a moment of weakness

 on some days are harder to get out of bed than others. today was one of those days, where i physically could not get up.

i have spent the last two months at one of the lowest points i’ve been with and i cannot even pin why. i keep thinking i’m okay but i think my brain has other ideas.

it’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know what you need help with. i cannot pinpoint a feeling or moment that is keeping me here but i feel like my head is barely staying above water. most days it is not, but i get moments of air that are keeping me from completing drowning.

i hate the metaphors but drowning is the only way i can even slightly express how i am doing. and it isn’t getting easier, if anything with every passing second i am falling deeper without even knowing it.

and i don’t know the way up from here. how could i when absolutely nothing feels wrong, but i cannot get out of bed most days and the days i can the basic things in my life feel overwhelming. just the other day i burst into tears when i simply opened the cupboard to get a plate for some food and just today i had an anxiety attack because i made a fucking tiktok wrong. 

i am so tired and i cannot say it again. i don’t know how else to comprehend and express my feelings than to mindlessly write it down and even with that i can barely do it. some days i just don’t. i just lay in my room with the lights off or, like i did today, i sleep and sleep and sleep until i can just about muster the emotional and physical energy to stay awake.

and relapse is really hard, especially after so long. when you think you are so far away from the person who was hurting so much, but in reality you never stopped being that person. it is hard to come to terms with the fact that  recovery isn’t linear, but more that recovery doesn’t seem to get easier the further along you are. 

everyday just seems to get harder. and it’s getting harder to believe that it’s getting better any time soon.