Forgive Myself

I didn't want to forgive myself for relapsing.

I wanted to punish myself even more than I already was. Every time I relapse I feel like I'm going backwards, even though relapse is rare for me now.

But this time, I wouldn't forgive myself.

And it spiralled.

It became more than a self harm relapse, it turned into a making myself sick, unable to move and being near suicidal relapse. It's been months since I truly wanted to die. It's been years since I made myself sick. But I didn't want to forgive myself. I instead wanted to hurt myself more, and this was the only way I knew how.

I'm only just starting to stabilise again.

I'm only just remembering how much further I am than I was months and years ago.

I'm doing better.

I just need to remember to forgive myself. It's easier said than done, but I'll get there one day.

maybe

tonight everything is alot.

tonight it feels like everything is going to go to shit again.

tonight my brain is in overdrive.

today was fine. i had a good day. but suddenly it wasn't, suddenly it was an impossible one. 

suddenly i didnt want today to be a day.

today everything felt heavy

maybe i'll always have bad days where the heaviness seems unbearable. but as cheesy as it sounds, maybe the good days will make it worth getting through the bad ones