the burden of honesty

 

i feel like i’m stuck in a rut. i’ve felt off all year, and i kept thinking it was going away but it wasn’t, not permanently or temporarily long enough to make it feel like i was doing something to make it better. i’m just sat at rock bottom and i cannot find a way out, any time i think i do it’s a dead end.

my mental health has been up and down all my life and i’m aware that i probably just sound like a broken record with every post i write but it’s just so hard to understand what is wrong because i don’t even know myself. most of my teen years old were just pure, overwhelming sadness and just wanting to not be alive. i was at war with everyone but mostly with myself, and every day was a success just because i survived. 

that feeling went away in my 20s, but it exchanged the overwhelming sadness with feeling emotionally nothing mixed in with constant anxiety. it is impossible for me to interpet and talk about how i am feeling and why because i just simply do not know and i don’t think i ever will. how do you answer the question whats wrong when absolutely nothing is wrong but all you want to do is sit in bed all day and do just that. just sit or lay there. 

i have lost the ability to do, or want to do, anything. i don’t have the motivation to do absolutely anything and it is absolutely exhausting just trying to do something and just not being able to. if i manage to do it, i can’t without getting distracted within 10 minutes and stopping again. i spend all my day on tiktok because i just can’t do anything else. talking to most of my friends seeps too much energy so i just don’t and i convince myself that they hate me so i don’t talk to them even more. i’m in a cycle of unhappiness and isolation that i cannot pull myself out of.

and i’m lonely. 

i feel like i have nobody. i feel like most of my friends hates me or will just leave me and i know that’s probably just past experience talking but i don’t know how to accept it. when all you see in yourself if the flaws, how could in your eyes anyone get past them either? i feel like i need constant validation and even that isn’t enough. 

i feel like a burden. i am a burden. and i mean it. i can’t be the happy, at minimum okay person that i should be. i feel selfish all the time. a small thing feels like everything and nobody that i love deserves to have to hear it. and i know i shouldn’t feel this way but i can’t not. i don’t know how to cope with anything, i don’t know how to do anything and i feel like i don’t even know how to exist like a person. being honest about how i’m doing is a burden. i’m sad today and i will be tomorrow. everyone is, most people are feeling down at the moment and i feel too guilty to talk about it in any truth. so i don’t. i avoid the question and if i don’t then i don’t say what i really want to say, just what i think the person wants to hear. i leave out that every night recently i’ve been thinking about relapse again because i’m supposed to be doing better in recovery and i don’t want anyone to think otherwise. i don’t want anyone else to hold the burden and the worry about me when there is so many more important things to be worried about.

i’m overwhelmed. i’m so fucking tired and i don’t know what to do anymore. i feel just nothing and i hate it. i wish i just didn’t care about anything but it’s all i can do. and i know i need to get help but i can’t bring myself to get it, mainly because i don’t think i deserve it. i’m not sad enough to get it. maybe one day i can persuade myself but if not now, when?

i just don’t feel like i was made to belong here.