Monday 13 May 2019

Reality / Recovery Reprise

Sometimes recovery is too hard.

There have been so many days where I wake up and I don't want to eat. Not because I'm not hungry, but because I wish I wasn't hungry. There are days where I am so anxious I don't think I can physically move. There are days that I feel like I need something to cope with the overwhelming feelings that are being shot at me for no apparent reason.

I have days where I don't want to recover. I have days where I am absolutely convinced that the life of sadness, binge eating and self-harm are the ways forward. I am convinced sometimes that I will always be the girl I was when I was younger, hurting my body in one way shape or form because I wanted to be anything but what I was.

I still do. I still want to be someone else. I still want a body and a mind that I feel happy living in. I will catch a look at my scars often when in public places and hate myself for doing that to my body, especially knowing that other people can see it too.

I'm getting there. I know I am on a road to recovery. I have bad days, so many bad days, but I rarely relapse anymore, regardless of how much I feel the need to sometimes. Some days the trickle of water on an empty stomach is a better feeling than eating, but I now make sure I eat anyway regardless of how much I may not want to.

Recovery is hard.

I know that saying that is almost the equivalent of me saying oxygen is important for breathing. But when I was younger, I used to believe that one day, when I wanted to, I could just stop. I could just stop being sad. I could stop harming myself. I could stop forcing myself to go hungry. But I couldn't stop. I wanted to heal and I wanted to heal overnight. Instead, it's been countless years and I am still in the process of healing.

And I don't think I will ever fully heal. I think there will always be a part of me that I could never completely fix. There will always be a part of me that every now and then will emerge and I will want to relapse. But I won't. I'll want to, but I won't. Thats what recovery is to me. I'm not expecting recovery to stop the intrusive thoughts and I'm expecting days where I cannot deal with them. As I continue to get better, I continue to learn that recovery to me is about not being free of the pain, but learning to push through it. It's still something I am struggling to cope with. But I'll get there.

Sometimes recovery is hard. Mainly because true recovery is something I may never to truly be able to achieve. But with each day, I do better. And that for me, is enough.

Sunday 5 May 2019

Being Alive / Notes from July 8th


Being alive feels impossible again.

I know, wanting to die is selfish. I've heard it all before. You've told me how there are people terminally ill who are praying for one more day of existing and there are people in the middle of wars not knowing if today is the day they are killed and i know people are dying every day and you don't want me to add to that list.

But when all you know is wanting to die, sometimes you clutch onto that feeling. You clutch it tight like its all you have left because sometimes thats what it feels like. It feels like all you have is the fact that yesterday you wanted to die but you didn't, like you didnt the day before then and each day from each month from each year from the first time. 

Sometimes I go through days by remembering I survived yesterday. Sometimes the only reason I can live to tomorrow is because I lived to today. 

It's hard wanting to die but not having a reason. I don't even really want to die I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't even know what this feeling is. I feel like I'm lost, like I'm walking around an empty room without any way out. 

Everything is fine. But I don't feel fine.


Friday 3 May 2019

Because I Am

I have been unable to find any words to sum up how I'm feeling. I haven't written in a while because I am unable to say how I am feeling.

I don't want to be alive.

But it's okay.

Because I am.