365

 today, march 17th, marks me being one year clean from self harm. 

i've been struggling with self harm since i was 12, and now i am 23 and just hitting a year clean. a life time ago i never thought i could make it to my 18th birthday. not long ago i was convinced i would be trapped in a cycle of self harm forever, because it was the only way i knew how to cope. and whilst in recent years relapses were far and few between, i still was unable to fight it or redirect it. it felt like a build up of the need to relapse that one day when i was weak was too strong to fight off. but i'm getting better at it everyday, trying other outlets or simply just stopping myself and here i am, at the one year mark.

i thought this feeling was going to be only overwhelming happiness, but instead of happiness it just feels, nothing? i thought i was going to feel like the weight of the world was gone, i was finally taking contol back from this thing that had been controlling my life for so long but instead i feel like i have replaced self harm urges with overwhelming anxiety and instrusive thoughts instead. it's hard. i am happy. i should be happy. but i can't stop thinking about how this moment was supposed to be happy, but it just doesn't feel it. and maybe that is reflective of how i'm doing. maybe i'm not happy simply because i am in a really bad mental health state and i still think about relapse. maybe i thought by one year i would simply be so far away from relapse that i would really considered myself recovered. maybe i thought it would be easier than this. 

i think i always had this view that once i stopped, if i could stop, that all the feelings associated would just go away. i used to think that self harm was a huge cause in the anxiety and the sadness, and in some ways it was. i would be sad that i hurt myself and i would be anxious about people finding out. but i think now that i used it to simply rechannel the anxiety especially. and i know that sounds like something i should've known this whole time, but it is easier to think back now when i'm in a clearer mind. 

all i used to know was hurting, and i was hurting in so many ways that thinking about it just makes me too sad. if it wasn't anxiety or depressive moods, it was a war with eating, or it was my inability to process emotions, or it was my struggle to focus and pay attention or it was thinking i was not worthy of the life i had or it was pushing everyone away because i did not want them to know the "real" person. i was hiding my entire life and it simply was too much, and it outpoured in disordered eating and self harm.  eventually i managed to cope with it a little better, but i still could not stop self harm. not until now.

i do not know if this is the be all or end all. recovery has not been the easy process i thought it would be. it's been losing important people in my life and learning from my mistakes, it's been learning to manage my own feelings and how i process and present them. it's been going 1 step forward and back 10. it's been admitting that i am the problem. it's been admitting alcohol for a while was the problem. it's been not doing things because i mentally couldn't do it. it's been opening up and talking about how i'm feeling and doing things that absolutely terrify me. 

and whilst this feeling may not have been the complete overwhelming happiness i thought, it is still there. i am still proud of myself. there was a long time in my life where i was hurting myself on a daily then weekly basis. i was wearing long clothing in 30 degrees, learning the best ways to keep it covered or lying about how i scratched my arm. i used to think i was alone. i didn't even know what mental health was for half of my teenage years. i saw my friends struggling too, i was helping friends through it without asking for help myself. i handled things well, i handled things badly. but i made it. and i will continue to have my ups and downs, and if i relapse again i know it will be okay. i know i can come out fighting like i have many times before.

it gets easier. i know it's hard to believe but it gets easier. it might take time, but with help, it gets easier.