the 2 day break

 

a few days ago it felt like the world was ending, but today everything just feels so light.

a few days ago i just, needed a break. i felt burntout on existing especially in the social world. i felt like i was burdening myself and everyone i loved and i felt so tied to being social all the time that i felt one moment away from exploding. my room was a mess, i had no motivation to do anything and i felt so unhappy in the walls i was living in. 

i made the decision then, i was logging out of everything and giving myself a break. in the 2 and a bit days i was off, not only had i worked twice but i manage to help my brother with his dissertation, deep clean and declutter my room, sort through and donate some clothes, i showered, ate, did some painting and did other things ive been needing to do and i feel so much better already.

from two days. 

i need to do this more, even for just an evening. i need to start to understand my limits better, before they get pushed as far as they did. 

i'm hoping though i'm at least starting back on track to feel like myself again. it's been too long. 

the burden of honesty (reprise)

 it's sometimes hard to look back and see how well my recovery was going compared to how it's going now. and it's even harder to see people with similar recovery archs continue to hit their incredible milestones when i feel like i'm back at square one.

the disappointment i feel for myself is making it impossible to start to get back on track. there are once again not many nights in the week where i don't heavily consider relapse and some days i am not strong enough to not. it wasn't long since i found myself thinking about writing goodbye notes and a few days ago i even found myself writing one.

it's hard when you are feeling so low to see a way out of it. i know one is coming, i've seen it before. but sometimes i still wonder if i'll even survive long enough to see it. 

i always say recovery was never easy but now it feels like it became just fully impossible. at least before i had reasons to feel like depressed and to feel this anxious but now everything in my life seems to be okay but i still can't get through a day without a panic attack.

one thing i told myself recently is that i need to start to also talk about the positives. and for the most part my days are mostly okay but it's really hard to focus on the good when the bad is just so bad.

i just can't stop feeling like a burden. and i can't stop thinking that everyone in my life just hates to be around me. trying to persuade yourself that you are worthy of being happy is one of the hardest things i have ever tried to do, and it feels like it's just getting harder to learn each day. 

and after all of this i tried to get help. i tried so hard. if the people who are supposed to help don't believe you, why would you ever believe yourself?

putting things into perspective

 

whilst i am going through one of my lowest lows in a while, it is still better than my highest highs when i was 13.

i know my limits, i know my boundaries and even though my anxiety is pretty bad it helps with knowing my limits.

i finally have a comfortable, caring and understanding friends that i feel like i can talk to when i need it the most.

music no longer makes me sad and no longer makes me think of painful things. even the saddest songs can bring comfort when they used to bring pain. music can finally make me feel good again when i feel low.

even though i still am recovering from self harm, i relapse signifcantly far less frequently and badly as i used to.

whilst not always, i can mostly get myself to eat when my brain is screaming against it.

i can take ibuprofen again.

i no longer hate how i look. i have miles to go, but i am getting there.

some days are still hard but i have more better/bareable days than i have bad. 

i have stopped actively seeking out content that could trigger me.

i know my worth and i am not afraid of cutting people out of my life who don't respect it.

i'm comfortable in my sexuality.

i think i know i'm going to be okay.