I've always advocated the importance of talking about your mental health. It was the reason I started writing this blog in the first place. I needed an outlet to talk about it, and this provided me the perfect opportunity to do so. However recently I've neglected it. And when I have mentioned it, I haven't been honest enough. So I want to change that.
I'm struggling, but not in the way I'm used to. I'm feeling okay, whilst I have some depressed days, I am feeling better in myself. But rather than feeling depressed, I'm feeling something else that I have not yet been able to easily put into words to understand. I have just lost every ounce of ability to do anything, I have no motivation and the idea of doing anything is completely overwhelming. I feel as if the only things I can do are watch tiktoks and occasionally play games, and that just ends up being changing games for 7 hours because theres nothing specifically I can focus on. I feel the need to be preoccupied and overstimulated almost 24/7, even just writing this I have 1000 things going on and I keep getting distracted by my phone. This is making it near impossible to sleep. I cannot switch off for long enough to get a restful amount of sleep. I'm tired, I'm in pain and frankly, I'm burnt out.
It feels like I'm burnt out on life. I thought that I would graduate and slowly regain my motivation and get over burnout, but I simply have just redirected it on other things. Whilst I know this is probably due to still being in lockdown, I cannot help but wonder if it's simply more than that. Whether all of this, the anxiety, insomnia, sadness and other things just has an alternate cause that now is causing this demotivation, inability to stay focused and struggle to think, speak and articulate words. It feels like my brain is just a fog sometimes and it really taking it's toll on me mentally. When I can feel it happening, which tends to be a lot of the time, it makes me feel super anxious because it makes me super conscious of my actions and how people think of me. I will be just talking and my brain will freeze and I will just physically want to scream because 6 months ago I was absolutely fine and now I can barely sometimes speakwithout stuttering and I struggle to utter a sentence or string a thought together.
Streaming doesn't help that. I love streaming. I love my community, making friends, making people laugh and just having fun with a game whether that be alone or with others. But streaming comes with the need to be active, talking, constantly thinking and constantly engaged with well, talking. Talking to stream, talking about the game and a lot of the time, talking to yourself. It's really hard to do that when your brain just simply freezes and you almost forget how to talk or even sometimes think. There are only so many times you can apologise for the same thing without it coming across as a bad day. And I don't know how to make it better. Instead, I just let it pile onto me, just adding another problem to the pile.
And I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is enough. With everything else going on in the world as well as within my own brain, not being able to basically function is just the cherry on the cake. My life feels like it's on hold, I know so many people are in the same situation but I know so many people that are thriving and I feel like I'm going backwards. I get too anxious to job hunt so I'm stuck in a job I don't really want to do, I don't even know if the career path I had laid out is one I even want to do anymore. I feel so lost and I feel like I cannot be the successful and perfection focused person that I always have forced myself to be. I just feel like I'm failing, and when I feel like I'm failing I feel like I am letting myself down and to simply put it, I feel absolutely worthless and useless. Unlearning this is something I am starting to try to do, but it's not always that easy.
I don't know when everything will improve. I thought it was. Everything isn't that bad, but I feel like I am just holding onto too many upsetting things from the past that is just holding me back. I feel like every single small thing is scary and I am worrying myself about things that have not happened yet. I just need all the fog to end. I need to be more open, I need to start to talk again. I need help, because I'm worried that it won't ever get better if I don't.
