the loudest noise in the room

 

i have always been a firm believer in everything will get better but tonight i'm not sure i do.

i am having one of the worst days i've had in a while. i find myself saying it alot but this time i mean it. anxiety is debhilitating me, earlier i cried just getting out of bed after sleeping all day because that is all i can do. i feel on the verge of tears whilst simulatneously feeling nothing all the time and i don't see a way to move past it.

recovery was supposed to make it easier but sometimes it makes it worse. the bad times are just amplified and i haven't found a better way of coping with it. i thought the idea of relapse would by now not even cross my mind but it's still sometimes all i can think about. i find other distractions but it's still at the forefront of my mind and even though i manage to fight it some days it's just rarely. these thoughts weren't supposed to be so intrusive, especially not now. how do i win what is a constant battle? how long until it is too powerful and i'm too tired to stop it?

my mind just doesn't stop. and when i run out of good things to think about it turns into negative things. it turns into being scared to sometimes even breathe and i don't know how to make it stop. how do you make it stop bringing up bad memories and worries about things you could've done differently 10 years ago? how do you think of things that don't make you hurt? 

i just don't know where to go from here. i don't feel like i deserve help, i don't feel like i'm hurting enough. but each day is getting harder, each breath getting more painful, each night gets a little longer. how do you stop the panic when all you are is the panic?

how do you stop feeling alone in a crowded room? how do you take some time for yourself without it feeling like you're just being a bad friend when all you want to do is get better? i can't even open the curtain, the lightswitch feels kilometres away and my flickering lamp is the only light i see both physically and metaphorically.

maybe if i say it out loud it will help. i don't know how but maybe writing it down will help me understand myself that lil better.

it was supposed to get better as i stayed clean, but sometimes it's hard to believe that i'm better without it. i know thats just my anxiety and sadness talking, but it is the loudest noise in the room.