Today I just really felt like writing. I feel like the last week I've had so many things going on, so many little dramas and arguments, so little sleep and so much that has just rushed past me that I feel in a state of 'what the fuck is happening'.
Everything has been a weird combination of slightly unbearable but also completely okay. Whilst I'm naturally still a bit of a panicked mess, I also am alot happier in general and happier in myself. The times I've been really hurting in the last week or so have been for genuine reasons to feel upset, but outside of that everythings been absolutely fine. I feel myself just being happy, just feeling normal unless theres a reason not to, which is something I haven't really experienced in a while.
Everything in that part of my feelings has improved alot in general. I'm staying far clear of coping habits and I'm really progressing on many fronts. Whilst I did think it was all up and down, looking back I'm realising that was absolutely normal with the circumstances. I'm feeling okay, and I like feeling okay.
Everything on the other side is a completely different story. My sleep schedule has been so out of whack with the constant change of day shifts to night shifts at the moment, that I'm sleeping so little and badly or for way too much and badly, and it's emotionally draining me. The whole sleep cycle I'm in has just heightened any emotions I'm feeling at the moment and made it feels like it's the end of the world. I've been struggling to sleep because of anxiety again, which just makes me want to constantly scream.
But I've also been doing really well with anxiety related things. I'm pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I've been feeling great about it. The other day I sat and ate in public alone which I have never done, I spoke to a random stranger asking me a question in a supermarket. I'm slowly starting to adjust myself in the way that alot of things I found absolutely terrifying actually aren't as scary as I thought they were. I'm progressing, and it's feeling great.
Everything is abit confusing right now. I'm doing okay but not okay but then also okay where I'm not okay. If someone asks how I'm doing in a "hows ya mental health" way, I completely panic because right now, I honestly don't know. It's like part of me is still hurting so much that I just wanna cry on someones shoulders and hug them until I fall asleep, and part of me wants to jump for joy because a huge part of me is absolutely fine.
I know that once uni starts again, hopefully I'll get back into a routine and anxiety will collapse a little bit. I'll get back into a usual sleep pattern and I'll be full of energy and life.
Sometimes you just know that it's all going to okay, and for the first time in a while, I believe that's the case.
Wednesday 22 August 2018
Wednesday 1 August 2018
Trying To Be Better
I've spent alot of my life at war with myself. I have a tendency to push everyone I love away when everything is difficult, and I don't know why. It's like I find it easier to be struggling through life by myself than it is to open up to really good people because breaking down my walls is too terrifying.
When I'm feeling down, I often find it hard to remind myself that I am a strong girl with alot of fight and alot of life and living ahead of her. I have been through a whole range of terrible things and come out the other side with a smile and a fight. But it's hard to remember smiling when everything feels like it's falling to pieces, when life feels like it's purposely throwing obstacles my way. It's hard to feel motivated when everything I seem to do leads to me being unhappy or anxious again.
My worst coping mechanism is pushing people away. I don't even think about it, but when everything hurts and doesn't seem like it'll improve, I try and push people away so I don't, in a way, drag them down with me. I find it somehow easier to do this than to open up to people, than to even accept that there are people who love and care about me, just like I do them.
It's almost like at this point I'm so used to being thrown to a curb when I open up that I push them there before I can get hurt again.
It's almost like I'm tired of being told that I'm faking it, being shunned away, being ignored, being shouted at and not being understood or listened to. So many people have left my life because the second I spoke about feeling sad or feeling anxious or anything related, they turned it back in my face and basically told me that I'm just seeking attention. Heck once, a group of my "friends" sat and laughed in my face when I told them I wasn't doing okay.
Regardless of this, I know I have to do better. I find it near impossible to trust anyone anymore, but I know I have to stop using excuses to try and make up for my shit. And I had been, and recently I've shut everyone out again and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for why I'm being a terrible friend, or to why I just can't accept peoples love and acceptance. I've spent alot of my life telling people in many ways that it is perfectly okay to talk to people, whilst I'm living my life surrounded by walls I keep rebuilding when someone cracks them.
I use alot of coping mechanisms to deal with my emotions sometimes, and I just end up hurting myself more when I see myself hurting those around me that I love. I can't keep fucking up, feel sorry for myself and let others see me be self destructive and mope around.
I'm trying to be better. It's time I actually try to be and the first step of that is to let people in.
When I'm feeling down, I often find it hard to remind myself that I am a strong girl with alot of fight and alot of life and living ahead of her. I have been through a whole range of terrible things and come out the other side with a smile and a fight. But it's hard to remember smiling when everything feels like it's falling to pieces, when life feels like it's purposely throwing obstacles my way. It's hard to feel motivated when everything I seem to do leads to me being unhappy or anxious again.
My worst coping mechanism is pushing people away. I don't even think about it, but when everything hurts and doesn't seem like it'll improve, I try and push people away so I don't, in a way, drag them down with me. I find it somehow easier to do this than to open up to people, than to even accept that there are people who love and care about me, just like I do them.
It's almost like at this point I'm so used to being thrown to a curb when I open up that I push them there before I can get hurt again.
It's almost like I'm tired of being told that I'm faking it, being shunned away, being ignored, being shouted at and not being understood or listened to. So many people have left my life because the second I spoke about feeling sad or feeling anxious or anything related, they turned it back in my face and basically told me that I'm just seeking attention. Heck once, a group of my "friends" sat and laughed in my face when I told them I wasn't doing okay.
Regardless of this, I know I have to do better. I find it near impossible to trust anyone anymore, but I know I have to stop using excuses to try and make up for my shit. And I had been, and recently I've shut everyone out again and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for why I'm being a terrible friend, or to why I just can't accept peoples love and acceptance. I've spent alot of my life telling people in many ways that it is perfectly okay to talk to people, whilst I'm living my life surrounded by walls I keep rebuilding when someone cracks them.
I use alot of coping mechanisms to deal with my emotions sometimes, and I just end up hurting myself more when I see myself hurting those around me that I love. I can't keep fucking up, feel sorry for myself and let others see me be self destructive and mope around.
I'm trying to be better. It's time I actually try to be and the first step of that is to let people in.
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