I am currently devastated.
I am currently in shock.
I am currently broken.
The discrimination faced everyday the LGBT+ community has to face disgusts me.
It's bad enough that my friend is spat at at work for being gay. It's bad enough that a trans person I've met was thrown out of his home because he was indeed transexual. It's bad enough that my friend can't hold her girlfriends hand in public because of the comments that people have made when seeing them. Heck, it's bad enough that people have cut me out of their lives because of my sexuality. It's bad enough that homosexuality is still illegal in many places of society (and gay marriage has only just been made legal in all American states.)
But the Orlando massacre was different.
I thought that society was bad enough as it was, discriminating our community for our sexualities (which as well as being bloody wonderful for us, are uncontrollable) but the murder of over 50 and the injury of many more in a Gay night club sickens me to the point where I can't physically describe the feelings because there are no words that can portray my disgust and outrage.
The fact that these beautiful, unique, happy people were taken from this world because one man decided that the person they loved/were attracted to is a valid reason for their lives to be taken away.
Why would you rather see two men holding guns than holding hands???
WHY is homosexuality such a "sin" but murder is okay?
The phobia in this world towards LGBT+ groups is so apparent, cruel and disgusting yet so many still deny its existance. They still deny the existance, when over one third of LGBT+ people have experienced bullying because of their sexuality in a school/college. When people who identify as LGBT are less likely to get a job than those of a hetrosexual identity. When LGBT people are 3 times more likely to experience depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
But why?
Why in todays society are some people so desperatly against anything but hetrosexual relationships that they go to such vile extremes?
Why are there still such pathetic discrimatory measures in everyday life, especially in regards of health care?
Why are hate crimes towards members of the LGBT community so fucking common in society?
Why does my love affect you SO much that you don't deem me worthy to live?
I just don't understand how the person I want to spent my life with affects you.
I'm not forcing you to be a part of the relationship. Me kissing a girl won't make you attracted to the same sex either. I'm just a young person in love. And love is love.
Love is love when a 17 year old is dating a 30 year old.
Love is love when a rich man is dating a poor woman.
Love is love when a white person marries a black.
So why don't you think love is love when it's a same sex couple?
But this attack wasn't one on just our community, it was an attack on us as a whole.
And anyway, your plan failed.
Because why you may have stopped us for a second. Why we may mourn now, why we may live the week in shock and why we will always remember this attack and the victims will always remain in our thoughts.
We will carry on.
We will continue to fall in love, we will continue to go to gay bars. We will continue to kiss our girlfriends or boyfriends in the streets, we will continue to marry the one we love even if you do not approve.
We are united.
Why we as a community has been brought together from your selfish thoughts and actions, you have lost everything.
And yes, we will experience this again.
I will continue to get shouted abuse at for my sexuality. My friend will still be spat at when working because of his. A young child will continue to be bullied in school for being gay and a transexual will continue to be assaulted for their identity. An asexual will continue to be called "abnormal" for their sexuality. A pansexual will still be told their sexuality simply doesn't exist and they are just seeking attention. We will continue to be attacked by those whose minds can't fathom that we live in a world where these relationships are okay.
But we will stand strong. We won't hide our identities in fear.
We will win, and you will lose.
And one day we will live in a society where "coming out" won't even exist, because there will be complete acceptance and normality of members of the LGBT+ community that it will be as common to hear as saying "oh I like football" or "I am 5"9." That day may not be today.
But we will win.
More Information:
https://lgbt.foundation
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36520620
https://internationalspectrum.umich.edu/life/definitions
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/sexual-identity/Pages/Sexual-Orientation.aspx
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/sexual-orientation-discrimination
Tuesday 14 June 2016
Saturday 4 June 2016
How "Being Myself" Turned Me Into The Person I Didn't Want To Be
One thing I've been told throughout the 18 years, 4 Months and 6 Days of my life, is no matter what happens to just be yourself and everything will work out.
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
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