I have started every blog post from the last two or three that I have not written in a while. It is 2 months after my last one. I used to use this blog as a way to get out my emotions healthily and try and help myself or hope that my words could help someone. I have always been a creative person secretly, and I have always loved formulating words, stories and poems to do that and I just stopped because I eventually ran out of things to say. Until today.
Today I am 6 months clean. For 10 or 11 years I have self harmed and I am no longer to face that. I hid it for so long because I was so ashamed and so unhappy for so long. But I have never in these 10 years been clean for as long as I am today. Before this, my longest was about 4 months and that was broken by my last relapse, one awful night 6 months ago that was a huge moment in my recovery. I didn't want to ever wake up how I felt that night again, ever. I was fortunate enough for that to be my last needed wake up call and I haven't looked back.
I never thought I would get here. Teenage me didn't think I would make it to 18. I am 22, I nearly have a masters degree, I am the happiest mentally I have been in years. I still have bad days and a lot of them, my anxiety is still a lot but I am learning to deal with it all. For the first time in years, I can look at myself and I do not see scars. I do no longer have to look at myself in so much pain because of how much I am suffering and I do not have to be disappointed in myself for not being able to deal with it.
But I, in these 6 months not once thought about self harm. Not once. It is astounding to me that I am here, and that I can picture the rest of my lives, clean. Because I know I can. I've done the hardest part, these first 6 months and then into the first year. But I have survived it. I can and will survive more.
