things often feel like too much almost constantly.
no one told me that as i got older and i got better that the anxiety would just get worse.
when i was 14 and suicidal, struggling with eating and extremely depressed, the anxiety was the easiest part. i just thought it was normal, that everyone felt that way. i didn't learn that the didn't until i was 18, when my relationship with myself started to improve. the better the other aspects of my mental health got, the more my anxiety was able to completely disrupt my life. it was almost like the other things were just the opening acts to a main show that got significantly louder and more prominent as it went on.
grounding techniques have stopped working. music doesn't have as powerful of an affect. all the anxiety helping phone applications if anything just make it worse.
how does any of this get better when the things that make it better stop making it better?
when the idea of going to get help itself brings you so much anxiety that last time you tried you were too anxious to get out of bed for 2 weeks.
how does any of this get better when the things that make it better stop making it better?
when you play down everything your feeling when you do try to reach out because the idea of being a burden or worried about is somehow worse than existing everyday with constant worry about doing absolutely anything?
i have gotten so good at anxiety that i am able to pinpoint when i'm going to have a panic attack, sometimes hours before i do. i have gotten so used to panic attacks that i don't even panic about getting them anymore.
but when will it get too much? when it becomes not being able to leave the house? where every panic attack feels like a heart attack? when it all just becomes too much?
even now i am too anxious to do the things i love and the things i do everyday and have done for a while. it just feels like soon, anxiety will take my voice away. and i will be unable to fight it back.
No comments:
Post a Comment