nice while it lasted

 "what happens if i relapse again?" - bojack

there was one point a few weeks ago that I couldn't even tell which was was up. it was like i was 14 again. suicidal, depressed to the point of feeling nothing. anxious about even breathing. i couldn't tell you why but for one night, not even for a few hours everything felt like it was back to the way it used to be. 

and for one point that night i was holding a razor and it was not to shave. i was ready to relapse. 8 months felt like 8 seconds of being clean and those 8 seconds was not enough to stop the feeling that relapse was the only way any of this would feel better.

this was how i felt everytime i thought about it the last 11 years. it felt like that feeling was the only thing that could make everything feel right again and the more i did it the more it almost became my truth. it is why self harm became so addicting, it just felt like the only was anything would be better.

i used to, and still do to some extent, wonder if i could ever bounce back from a relapse. i wonder often if i am strong enough to keep it up if i go back to the habit again. the last 2 years have just been that constantly. a relapse or two every so months that would just make me think, why do i even try if i always end up back here? if i relapse again, what happens? am i able to keep going?

now i am nearly at my nine months. i think that night will constantly be on my mind. the knowledge that any day, i could go back there. but more importantly, i could go back there but i have the ability to get through it.

if i relapse, i relapse. if i relapse i relapse.

"you'll get sober again" - todd