amen

"is there a moment when it all makes sense, when saying goodbye doesn't feel like the end?" [amber run - amen]

it is absolutely impossible to sum up emotions that you don't physically know how they feel. 

the first time i truly felt grief, someone asked me how i was doing. they didn't know what was wrong, they had no idea that i was feeling whatever the sadness was that i was feeling, but they knew something just wasn't right. i didn't know what to say, so i just didn't. i just said nothing and moved on with my day, my day being me just trying to hide from the world and feeling nothing. and that's how i lived everyday for a while, because i was feeling this thing i was unable to truly feel because i did not know how else to feel it. i knew it was something sad so thats what i did, let myself be sad. but by letting myself just be sad, what i was really doing was just delaying feeling everything else and not letting myself accept what had happened. so at the funeral, months later, i broke down. i cried, and i couldn't stop crying. and i didn't stop crying for a few weeks. i had panic attacks constantly, if i was awake i was probably drunk and if i wasn't i was overthinking and probably at work. if i was doing either of those i was asleep, because at least then i didn't have to feel anything at all.

nothing really prepares you for that first time. no amount of childhood pets or conversations about grief can really prepare you for all the emotions and things you have to go through. being given gifts you gave them to remember them by, anyone saying their name whether referencing them or not making you sad, clearing out their room, going round to see them for them to just not be there, waiting for them to walk down the stairs to see you but that never happening, everything just reminding you of them. the worst part is, it doesn't get easier. you just get better at living your life without thinking about it. 

i thought the second time would be easier. in some ways it was. i knew what i was going to feel but this time i was worse at dealing with it. i was going through one of my worst mental health patches of my life, and then suddenly i had to deal with grief again. emptying your house was one of the hardest things i had to do, then seeing my childhood home where you lived become boarded up, living knowing one day soon that it will not be there anymore. 

why does grief not get easier? how each time does it feel so different but yet so much the same? how after four and nearly 3 years do i still expect to see you when i walk through your door, or expect the phonecall on my birthday? how can i not see a picture of you without feeling sadness? when does that turn partly into happiness, fondness of the memories and the love that we had? where do i find peace with the idea of never seeing either of you again?

and i have been so lucky. i am nealrly 23 and have only had to deal with grief twice in my life. i know it will come again and probably come again soon, but how will i deal with it then? when does grief ever make sense? how does it ever make sense?

there is a reason that amen by amber run is consistently my top or second most listened to song on spotify. music is always the way i feel everything and there is no other way i can process grief but hear it, feel it and in some ways cope with it. everyone goes through grief. everyone. when i listen to something so raw and open in its vulnerability surrounding grief, i allow myself to feel everything i need to feel to process it.  and that is how i am able to move forward. maybe slowly. but i move forward. the days where i feel grief are hard, but the days i do not are normal. i have more days than not now where i don't feel grief. with time, with understanding and with acceptance, it slowly started to go away even though part of me will never truly be the same again.

"i don't wanna be here, i don't know what to do sometimes i'd rather be dead, at least then i'm with you" [amber run - amen]