2020

 December 31st, 2019. It was getting onto the time I had to leave to go out for new years. I was fucking exhausted from working, woken up an hour late and on the verge of having an anxiety attack. I didn't want to leave my bed let alone go and get drunk. My mum persuaded me to go. I got up, drove round to my friends, had to quickly get changed and apologise profusely for being so late, trying to ignore how absolutely dreadful I felt. In the car ride, I thought about 2019. 2019 was one of my better years. It started off completely terribly, but eventually I became more stable and found my feet. I graduated, started my masters degree, gone on various holidays, many music events, settled into some new friend groups and most importantly was optimistic for 2020 to continue this trend I had started of what I called my true recovery. 2019 was the year I worked on myself, I became more comfortable in my own body, I was relapsing from self harm less often and I was ending the decade happy. 

The first 6 weeks of the year where amazing for me. I went to Sweden, I celebrated turning 22, I was doing well in my masters degree and I just felt happy. I thought that 2020 was going to be my year. I have been waiting for my year and truly it felt like it was going to be. A few weeks into February I got sick. Sick as in, I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks or I passed out, sleeping 18 hours a day, crying because it felt like sitting at my computer was pushing myself sick. The first few days, I couldn't even sit up. That was when the year went downhill. I missed a concert I had been waiting for for so long, I missed weeks of uni and was so behind with my work, I barely spoke to anyone because I was too tired. At once point I thought I would never recover. 

By the middle of March I was around 80% better from mystery illness. In March I was back at uni all of us talking about covid19 like it was a joke, I also went to two concerts and then we went into lockdown. Suddenly I felt like I had lost everything and I don't know why. I walked into work the first night of lockdown, bare bare empty shelves, everyone joking about panic buying. It carried on like this for a few weeks, and then everything for me started to set in. Lockdowns extended, struggling to keep up with my uni work because I was too tired and completely deprived from normal life. I couldn't fix my sleep schedule because it was too hard to when I couldn't get up and go do something to combat the tiredness. I was still working, having to do overtime and still juggling my degree whilst I saw so many people genuinely having a great time, doing things, doing nothing, doing whatever they wanted whilst on furlough. It was hard. I thought I was struggling and struggling alone, because everyone seemed to be coping well with lockdown. 

Eventually it became apparent that it wasn't, and as we started to ease out of lockdown I felt better. I could see my friends again, I could go outside again and not get scared I was going to get in trouble. It took a while to be comfortable with it, the fear of corona was raging in my mind and I was worried everytime I left the house that I would get it. But I had to see people. My mental health depended on it, I was at the point where I was struggling and I needed to see my friends again. But I started to feel better. Whilst lockdown seems like a blur now, whilst I know my anxiety was struggling for the most part everything else was okay. I was fine eating, I was staying clean, I wasn't suicidal and for the most part I wasn't lonely. This all seems like a huge oxymoron, but compared to the places I have been, I was genuinely doing okay. I made more new friends, I started to be less alone at 3am when no one else I knew was awake and it got easier.

In September I completed my masters degree. I never ever thought I would ever make it, but I finished my presentation, sat down and had a huge wave of relief. I had done it. I had done the dream I had had for 6+ years at that point, through a pandemic. I had completed a MSc dissertion basically by myself and I had done it. But afterwards I just felt empty. I had been so stressed about finishing that when I did I felt lost, I had no direction, I was stressed about the idea of finding a new job and everything felt heavy. 

At the end of October it all caught up to me, and I fell into one of the worst depression slumps I had ever experienced for a 3 week period. Everything was impossible, most days I couldn't even get out of bed to turn the light on. I was convinced everyone I loved hated me, I was having bad panic attacks every few days, having intrusive and suicidal thoughts, I was just so unbelieably low that I didn't think it would get better. I eventually started getting better. I invested myself into headspace, into breathing practices, into music, into everything I needed and it slowly by day got easier. And it did, eventually, get back to normal.

I bounced back. I started twitch streaming again, really loved it and hit twitch affiliate within 2 weeks of restarting. I had gone from a high, to rock bottom and was back to a high. Things fell in place, and they stayed in place.

And here I am now. January 1st 2021. 

I know how lucky I have been to had an okay 2020. I focused alot on the negatives of the year but when I reflect, the worst times were far and few between. I had so many okay days, unmemorable days but even more so, days that I was just fine. I was fine. I used to just be up or down, I rarely had in between days but this year they happened. It truly this year felt like my mental health was improving and I was doing better. I don't say this to brag. I don't say any of this to do anything but reflect on my journey, how far I've come.

If this pandemic had happened at a different time I don't know if I would have made it through, made it this far. I count my blessings everyday that this didn't happen at a worse time in my life because who knows what would have happened then. I have had to work hard the last few years for this. This year I decided to just simply cut out people who do not make me happy or who I was holding onto for the wrong reasons. It was the year I was more important than anyone. I put myself first. I had to. I could not keep moving forward by holding onto the belief that I have to appease others and then myself. To me this meant just simply letting go of worry about cutting people out whether this was in the past or present to help myself. This was easier said than done, I am not denying that but I did it. I put myself first, even if that had consequences that maybe I did not want. 

I am proud of myself. You should be too. No matter what you did or didn't do this year, you made it through. We survived an awful awful year and hopefully this one will be better. 

For me? 2021 means recovery. It means going to get help. It means getting those piercings/tattooes I want. It means keeping on top of what I need to do. It means therapy. It means trying to start to love the body I am in. It means taking care of myself. It means continueing to put myself first. 

For everyone who is still here. Whether your year was amazing, awful or anything in between. 2021 is your year. And I hope, I pray with all my heart that it is a better year.

And finally. To all those we lost this year, whether due to covid, due to other things, due to old age, due to mental health, due to other illnesses. To every single person who we lost. We will remember you all.