things on my mind

 there are so many things i cannot stop worrying about that sometimes i lose track of them.

i think especially now, sometimes the weight of the world is so much to deal with that my head will constantly think of how i used to be and i do not know whether this is a warning or an open door.

everything seems to either be absolutely everything or nothing. i feel everything or nothing. when i do something, i am either putting in 300% and it's all i can do, or i can't even spend 10 seconds even thinking about it. my days seem to be the best or the worst days and anything news is either the end of the world or the best thing i've ever heard.

it's tiring, not knowing how i am going to feel when i wake up. not knowing whether i'm going to feel like i don't want to be alive or whether i feel the best i've ever felt. sometimes it's especially hard because i celebrate how far i've come one day then two days later i feel so mentally awful i doubt everything i just thought. 

when i think about it, it makes me think about uni. how i used to cope with the constant change of emotions: alcohol. when i felt anything, alcohol was always the go to. it at one point got to the point i was worrying myself with the amount i was drinking, to the point where i started getting anxious at the idea of going to a social event with alcohol because i was scared i would overdo it and do something i would regret like i had many times. when i did my masters and essentially stopped drinking for a year, i told people i rarely did because my work schedule meant i never had the opportunity. and whilst this is true, the fear of having a social drink was really pushing it, the fear that it would get out of control was pulling it along. 

it's scary to look back and see how bad things truly were and i had no idea. i thought my worst times were during school, but there were periods at uni where i never slept, i missed most lectures once for an entire month, i was too scared to even go and play football sometimes and i missed all the signs it was getting bad because the uni year before had been bad and nothing i was doing then even closely resembled then. 

i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss the ability to do things. i miss feeling safe. i miss not going out and being scared when someone came close to me. i miss the life i was comfortable with. i miss the day. i miss having a concept of time. i miss being awake at the same time as my friends. i miss myself. i miss sleeping. i miss feeling awake. i miss feeling. i miss not feeling. i miss knowing what to say.

i don't know when i will ever get a restful and long night sleep again. i am so tired. 

i feel like i'm being rushed. everyone around me is in long term relationships, having children, in jobs they love. i feel alone. i am constantly asked when i am going to get a job that 'uses my degree', but it's hard to even want to apply when my brain is fucked up, the world is fucked up and i don't even know what i want to do tomorrow let alone in the future. 

everything is scary. i'm so fucking anxious. and i get anxious because i'm anxious. i get anxious because i don't know what's going on in my head sometimes. i get anxious because everything in my life is fine so if i feel like if i'm like this now, what will happen if something goes really wrong? 

with each day i feel like i'm losing the few ounces of body confidence i have. it scares me. i hate the way i look, but i still have something i'm clutching onto to keep it from spiralling. i don't know how to let myself be happy with the way i look when i look at myself and i want to cry. my first thought is always how could anyone ever love this body? if this is my first thought, how am i ever going to love it?

i think there are too many things on my mind. too many scary things. too many things that make me wonder if my mental health is going to ever get better. does any of this get better? 

the worst part is that i feel fine. i know a lot of the things i say and i think are worrying to me but i truly am fine. i think i am used to it now. i dont want people to worry about me. i am content with life, it all just can be too much all the time.