struggling again

 I do not know how long I can do this for anymore.

I wish this was a lie.

Each day now is getting harder again, just after I thought it was getting easier. I can't go to sleep without a glass of wine topped off with lemonade and rescue remedy and sometimes it needs two. Not even the sound of slowed down sad music can make the anxiety just go away for long enough to fall asleep.

And with each month it gets scarier. The pandemic is still raging and my unrelenting fear of not getting but getting and passing the virus onto my family can't slip my mind for a second, and I can't step a foot outside the house to go to work without being flooded with worry. With every lockdown it gets scarier, I can barely even leave my room and when I do it's not for longer than a second. I don't know how it will ever be again adjusting to 'normality'.  I can't even text my friends, how the fuck am I ever going to see anyone in person ever again? 

I don't know when this gets better.

I wish this was a lie.

I don't know how else I can express all the emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I'm repeating sadness then shuffling anxiety and I convince myself that this help, that this makes it easier but I do not know if it does. With every thing I write I feel scared then maybe relieved for a moment before all of this just comes back around. 

And I know I have it easier than alot of people. And that makes me feel so fucking guilty. I know that I am allowed to feel what I feel even if people have it worse and I know that someone elses story and pain does not invalidate mine but it is hard to think otherwise sometime. I am so anxious and sad and I do not know why anymore. I do not know how to live with that. Live with that in a world that feels like it is crumbling under my footsteps.

I do not know how much longer I can do this.