twenty two

 today is my last day as a 22 year old. it feels weird. another year has abolutely flown by and i feel like i have not done enough to turn a new age.

we have been stuck in lockdown since march, so 10 months of me being 22 was stuck inside. at first this was great in theory, i was benefitting from being stuck in one place and not having to travel into uni, and being able to keep whatever sleep schedule best aligned with work. and whilst i was mentally hit and miss, i managed to do my 5 assignments i had due within a month in the beggining of lockdown, with all but one being a 65 or above. uni gave us a blanket, any mark under our term 1 average was to be just taken away from our calculation, and lockdown meant i no longer had to do the assignments like a workshop that gave me more anxiety than i could even comprehend. 

we started to come out of lockdown in the peak of my research report. the first lockdown anyway. so whilst people were flying to different countries and living their "best lives" and seeing their friends/family (within the law) after months of being apart, i was stuck, up at night and asleep during the day, sat at my pc almost crying over my dissertation that i felt like i was doing completely alone. 

but i made it. i finished it. i handed it in and completed my presentation at the end of september.

i was okay for a few weeks, went out a few times to see people but then at the end of october i fell into a huge depressive episode and didn't talk to anyone for weeks. i was too anxious to do anything so i didn't.

a week later we went into a 4 week lockdown, which i stayed up all night, alone, missing my friends but appreciating myself because i wasn't exhausted all the time. i was worried about getting through it, but i was excited by the idea of having a somewhat normal christmas, socially distanced seeing my friends and getting to finally go out with my mum for lunch. 

we then were thrown in into a lockdown over christmas, which now shows no sign of ending.

the third lockdown has been especially hard. i don't know why but the beginning of the month i was just super low most days, my better days being at work where i had human interaction.

all these lockdowns have had one huge impact on my motivation. at first my motivation to do my degree, now my motivation to apply for jobs. everyone keeps asking me when i will be leaving my part time supermarket job to use my degrees but the idea of doing that now is so terrifying. i wanted to travel, i wanted to move out, i want to do anything but apply for a job and be worried about it falling through due to the state of the world. by now i thought i would be in a job, a job i liked, but there is few job i like the sound of and most i'm not qualified for. 

22 has not been the year i expected. it was supposed to be easy, it was planned to the tee. i would finish my masters in september, quit my job travel for a few months, have christmas off then apply for jobs. only one of those things happened, and i do not know when the rest might. but 22 brought things that i would not have had if it wasn't for all of this.

i have a masters degree. i started streaming and i am affiliated on twitch, growing a small little community and having fun. i treated myself to a new pc, a vr headset, i made SO many new friends at work or online in stream communities. I am 10 months clean, I reregistered to the doctors, I am trying to look after myself better than I have been.

the idea of turning 23 has always scared me. you see so many people doing so much grown up shit at 23, and i thought i would be so much more than i am. i thought i would be in a full time job with a partner and living my best life.

it's okay that i'm not. 

and i'm looking forward to twenty three.