A Hyperbolic Sad

I'm good at making people worry about me. I'm good at saying things that I kinda mean but don't really mean and I'm good at exaggerating the truth.

I don't really want to die. I don't really want to stop existing. I don't want to give up. But sometimes it's easier to say I'm giving up than actually opening up to anyone but it is arguably less scary to ask someone to kill me than it is to say that sometimes it is hard to get out of bed. It's arguably less scary to say that existing is too hard than it is to say that you relapsed or than it is to say that your brain is the scariest thing in your life right now.

I am doing better than I have been. That's an unavoidable fact, but it is also easier to pretend that things are still awful because at least that way people still understand that you have bad days and that you still have days you want to hide away from everyone. It's easier to pretend that you are close to giving up because people that way will still talk to you and 'check in on you'.

But it's an exaggeration.

I am struggling but I am okay.

I am sad but it's an okay sad, it's a normal sad, it's a bearable sad, it's a "yes, I can get out of bed today sad". It's a optimistic sad, a fake sad, a sad that isn't really sad but it's really easy to mistake it for sad. A sad that is actually happiness but being happy all the time is an alien feeling so there has to be some kind of sad.

I don't want to exist but really I want to exist, I do want to keep on going and I know I can keep going.

I know that sadness is temporary. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", I've been told that for so many years that it feels like it has been engraved into my brain.

I know that the people around me would miss me if I did give up and I know that somewhere out there is a person I will spend the rest of my life with, that one day I will have children with them and I cannot do that if I give up now.

I know that it will all be okay. I know that I have fought this so many times before and that I have survived all of my bad days so far.

I've survived the last 10 years of bad days, so I survive at least 10 more.