Anxiety

I have, on many occasions, that I've been lying about my anxiety.

I've been told by friends, teachers, strangers and even mental health professionals, that the anxiety I feel isn't as bad as I am making it out to be or simply is just a "normal feeling."

I've been told to just stop worrying, like it is a choice.

This morning, I woke up after maybe an hours sleep, feeling absolutely panicked. It felt like my heart was shrinking yet racing at 100mph and the feeling in my chest was absolutely debilitating, and I couldn't do anything about it.

By the time I had calmed myself down enough to actually get out of bed it was 4pm, 6 hours after I had woken up. By the time I was calm enough to try focus on any revision, it was 5pm and by the time I could eat anything, I was eating my first meal of the day at 6pm. I had finished the one lecture I managed to revise today, and was so anxious that I had to go back to bed just before 8pm, without managing to shower, tidy my room, tidy the house, get changed or do any of the many things I really needed to do today.

And I would be lying if I said this run of events was an uncommon thing for me.

Usually, it isn't this bad and usually I am able to get out of bed and pretend to function all day, but today I physically couldn't.

The last few months, I've hardly been sleeping. If I'm lucky, I'll get 6/7 hours, but usually it is 4 hours at the absolute most, and I mean the absolute. And these hours will be filled with constantly waking up and then forcing myself back to sleep. Every night, the second I close my eyes I feel instantly anxious, so I have to open my eyes okay. I lay awake, worrying, until I'm so physically exhausted I pass out. More often than not, this leads to some degree of panic attack, alot of the time this will be in the middle of the night and I will wake up having a panic attack.

It is constant. Anxiety for me is absolutely constant. When I try and do anything, I tend to spend more time trying to stop any anxious thoughts than I do actually doing what I've set out to do. Whether this is doing an essay, talking to people, watching a youtube video, leaving the house, going out for drinks, going to a football match. Every action in my life right now, causes my anxiety to be loud. 

And when anxiety is loud, everything around me is silent. Everything feels like it's going in slow motion, whilst also speeding past. When anxiety is loud, everything is impossible, I cannot think of anything but how anxious I'm feeling.

I have had so many occasions in recent months where I've had to calm myself down in public and then outwardly tell people I'm absolutely fine, when really I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I've had so many occasions where I've been so anxious, that I've forgotten things that I've done and have absolutely no recollection of texting, moving or even eating.

Have you ever nearly missed a step whilst climbing up stairs? Or nearly fallen backwards swinging on a chair? Or when you think you've sent a screenshot to the person who's messages you screenshotted?

You know that sense of panic? That's how every day feels. Everyday feels like the mother who's lost her 4 year old in a supermarket, like the player going to shoot the winning penlty in a cup final, like the performers first show in front of an audience.

It's a constant feeling of fuck up or what if something goes wrong. It's a constant feeling of you having done something wrong and a constant feeling of dread.

Anxiety is a vinyl player on repeat, the fire alarm that just won't turn off, a voice in my head that is constantly telling me that everything is scary and everything and everyone will hurt me, or everyone is judging me, or that any second something awful is going to happen.

Every step, every moment, every breathe is uncertain. It's almost like walking through a landmine with hazy vision, sometimes you get lucky and get through okay, but most of the time something explodes and is with you for the rest of your life.

Anxiety is every metaphor in the book. It is every metaphor about "drowning whilst everyone around you is breathing", it's every metaphor about "feeling like a prisoner" and every metaphor about "feeling alone in a crowded room".

Anxiety feels like you are falling in a bottomless pit. It feels like you are being tied into knots. It feels like your organs caving in, like your body is just giving up on you.

Anxiety is abolutely debhilitating. It sucks the life out of you. It tells you that everyone is going to hate you (if they don't already). It makes you live in constant fear. It makes you numb. It stops you from making that phone call or for applying for that job. It stops you getting out of bed or leaving the house or eating a meal. It stops you from being with your friends, or going to work, or doing your degree or going on a night out. It stops you from being a normal, functioning person.

And when I say I'm doing okay, yes, I'm fucking lying.