Burst

Sometimes it feels like everything is against me. It feels like I'm battling the world, but when I overcome a challenge, another bigger one puts itself at my feet.

My life right now is pretty great. Minus all the exam stress, I am surrounded by amazing people, I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, I'm doing my exams, I'm eating properly again, I'm doing so many things I love with people I love. But my anxiety is getting worse. Sometimes my feelings are getting worse.

There is absolutely no reason that I should feel like this. But I do. I wake up and it is so hard to get out of bed, because I feel too scared to face a world, but a world that I am feeling great in. It is absolutely emotionally draining to feel like this, to feel so lost and broken in a world where everything is great.

What will stop this feeling? If I'm struggling to get up in a world where I want to get out of bed and exist, then how will everything be if something turns everything around? Is it even possible to get to a stage where I am a person who's anxiety isn't taking away from their life?

It isn't even the big things. I'm fine public speaking, relatively okay with talking to strangers, I can go to parties, I can do things that I shouldn't be able to do. It's the small things, it's the constant worry about nothing for absolutely no reason. It feels like my body is in the fight-flight response 24/7, because I can even just be sat in the library and feel like everything is too much.

Right now I have alot of emotions and I don't know what to do with them. Alot of the time, I am good with managing them, but today isn't that day. Today is me leaving the library 2 hours before I have a meeting to have a lie down, today is me leaving a social event early because being there felt too much, today is me just wanting to constantly scream and cry and find someone that can tell me whats wrong with me.

Today isn't a good one, but tomorrow will come and tomorrow I will start again.