darker days

it is getting harder to decide whether this is currently a low point in a better time or a higher point in a worse time. i don't know whether i can count this as recovery anymore but i don't think mentally i can do anything but.

if i had a dollar for everytime i have said i sound like a broken record i could probably afford a lifetime of therapy, but talking about my mental health in this capacity truly feels like it. i haven't blogged in 6 weeks, because i have not wanted to talk about how i am feeling. sometimes coming to terms with how terribly you are doing does nothing but make everything worse and whilst even though this is probably one of those times, i don't think right now i could feel worse so i have nothing to lose.

everyday this week has felt like a low. i'm have spent all my energy the last 2 weeks simply persuading myself to stay alive and i don't know how much longer i can carry on doing it. i am in a cycle of self sabotage and my brain is a constant stream of intrusive thoughts mixed with suicidal ideation. as painful as it is to admit it, i don't think my mental health has ever been worse and that scares the shit out of me. with each passing day i feel like i'm just getting worse, that this is just getting worse. i truly thought not long ago that it was getting better but once again it just suddenly and drastically got so much worse and i don't know how much lower it can physically get. 

i am tired of feeling like i am burdening people. if i talk about it i feel like a burden, if i don't i feel like a burden. i am just constantly a burden and i do not know how to not me. 

i am trying to get help but it is harder to do than it should be. even ignoring how hard it is to actually get help, it is hard to get myself to consistently try. but i'm trying. even if it's slowly, i am trying.