it'll stop any day now

 the past however many years now of my life have been recovery then not then recovery then not again on repeat. whenever i feel like i'm getting somewhere, life soon throws a curveball and i feel right back where i started.

it doesn't seem to take much anymore to throw me back into a depressive episode, and the last 6 months have just felt like one long depressive episode with little glimmers of hope that make me think i'm getting back on track.

the truth is i'm not.

i feel stuck in a rut, living a lifethat has no meaning. i feel years behind everyone else my age. by now i wanted to have moved out, in a full time job i love, having travelled to whereever i want to go and maybe even be in a happy relationship. instead i'm still working part time in a job i was supposed to leave over a year ago, barely most of the time staying alive and struggling to do anything. i feel like part of me is still trying to understand and comprehend the idea of being alive and doing life because i didn't think truly i would or could make it this far.

and it's taken me a lot of time to accept that it's okay. it's okay that i'm not doing what i want to be doing because i will be one day. as many people are, i'm finding it hard to adjust back to normal life now that covid restrictions are easing. simply going into work now is anxiety inducing, hanging out with friends feels 10 times harder and i am struggling to figure out how to be myself again.

but the truth is this is myself. my new self. my best creative, better in tune with my emotions self. the self that puts themselves first (some of the time) rather than the person who would do anything even if they didn't want to because they didn't want to hurt anyone else. this self is finally (slowly) trying to sort herself out some help, taking breaks when i need to. she understands her limits, knows that it's okay to say no.

i am a different person than i was how ever many years ago. i'm a different person than i was pre covid and even though not all of these changes are good, many of them are. and it will be okay, eventually.