it's sometimes hard to look back and see how well my recovery was going compared to how it's going now. and it's even harder to see people with similar recovery archs continue to hit their incredible milestones when i feel like i'm back at square one.
the disappointment i feel for myself is making it impossible to start to get back on track. there are once again not many nights in the week where i don't heavily consider relapse and some days i am not strong enough to not. it wasn't long since i found myself thinking about writing goodbye notes and a few days ago i even found myself writing one.
it's hard when you are feeling so low to see a way out of it. i know one is coming, i've seen it before. but sometimes i still wonder if i'll even survive long enough to see it.
i always say recovery was never easy but now it feels like it became just fully impossible. at least before i had reasons to feel like depressed and to feel this anxious but now everything in my life seems to be okay but i still can't get through a day without a panic attack.
one thing i told myself recently is that i need to start to also talk about the positives. and for the most part my days are mostly okay but it's really hard to focus on the good when the bad is just so bad.
i just can't stop feeling like a burden. and i can't stop thinking that everyone in my life just hates to be around me. trying to persuade yourself that you are worthy of being happy is one of the hardest things i have ever tried to do, and it feels like it's just getting harder to learn each day.
and after all of this i tried to get help. i tried so hard. if the people who are supposed to help don't believe you, why would you ever believe yourself?
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