Trying To Be Better

I've spent alot of my life at war with myself. I have a tendency to push everyone I love away when everything is difficult, and I don't know why. It's like I find it easier to be struggling through life by myself than it is to open up to really good people because breaking down my walls is too terrifying.

When I'm feeling down, I often find it hard to remind myself that I am a strong girl with alot of fight and alot of life and living ahead of her. I have been through a whole range of terrible things and come out the other side with a smile and a fight. But it's hard to remember smiling when everything feels like it's falling to pieces, when life feels like it's purposely throwing obstacles my way. It's hard to feel motivated when everything I seem to do leads to me being unhappy or anxious again.

My worst coping mechanism is pushing people away. I don't even think about it, but when everything hurts and doesn't seem like it'll improve, I try and push people away so I don't, in a way, drag them down with me. I find it somehow easier to do this than to open up to people, than to even accept that there are people who love and care about me, just like I do them.

It's almost like at this point I'm so used to being thrown to a curb when I open up that I push them there before I can get hurt again.

It's almost like I'm tired of being told that I'm faking it, being shunned away, being ignored, being shouted at and not being understood or listened to. So many people have left my life because the second I spoke about feeling sad or feeling anxious or anything related, they turned it back in my face and basically told me that I'm just seeking attention. Heck once, a group of my "friends" sat and laughed in my face when I told them I wasn't doing okay.

Regardless of this, I know I have to do better. I find it near impossible to trust anyone anymore, but I know I have to stop using excuses to try and make up for my shit. And I had been, and recently I've shut everyone out again and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for why I'm being a terrible friend, or to why I just can't accept peoples love and acceptance. I've spent alot of my life telling people in many ways that it is perfectly okay to talk to people, whilst I'm living my life surrounded by walls I keep rebuilding when someone cracks them.

I use alot of coping mechanisms to deal with my emotions sometimes, and I just end up hurting myself more when I see myself hurting those around me that I love. I can't keep fucking up, feel sorry for myself and let others see me be self destructive and mope around.

I'm trying to be better. It's time I actually try to be and the first step of that is to let people in.