Today I just really felt like writing. I feel like the last week I've had so many things going on, so many little dramas and arguments, so little sleep and so much that has just rushed past me that I feel in a state of 'what the fuck is happening'.
Everything has been a weird combination of slightly unbearable but also completely okay. Whilst I'm naturally still a bit of a panicked mess, I also am alot happier in general and happier in myself. The times I've been really hurting in the last week or so have been for genuine reasons to feel upset, but outside of that everythings been absolutely fine. I feel myself just being happy, just feeling normal unless theres a reason not to, which is something I haven't really experienced in a while.
Everything in that part of my feelings has improved alot in general. I'm staying far clear of coping habits and I'm really progressing on many fronts. Whilst I did think it was all up and down, looking back I'm realising that was absolutely normal with the circumstances. I'm feeling okay, and I like feeling okay.
Everything on the other side is a completely different story. My sleep schedule has been so out of whack with the constant change of day shifts to night shifts at the moment, that I'm sleeping so little and badly or for way too much and badly, and it's emotionally draining me. The whole sleep cycle I'm in has just heightened any emotions I'm feeling at the moment and made it feels like it's the end of the world. I've been struggling to sleep because of anxiety again, which just makes me want to constantly scream.
But I've also been doing really well with anxiety related things. I'm pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I've been feeling great about it. The other day I sat and ate in public alone which I have never done, I spoke to a random stranger asking me a question in a supermarket. I'm slowly starting to adjust myself in the way that alot of things I found absolutely terrifying actually aren't as scary as I thought they were. I'm progressing, and it's feeling great.
Everything is abit confusing right now. I'm doing okay but not okay but then also okay where I'm not okay. If someone asks how I'm doing in a "hows ya mental health" way, I completely panic because right now, I honestly don't know. It's like part of me is still hurting so much that I just wanna cry on someones shoulders and hug them until I fall asleep, and part of me wants to jump for joy because a huge part of me is absolutely fine.
I know that once uni starts again, hopefully I'll get back into a routine and anxiety will collapse a little bit. I'll get back into a usual sleep pattern and I'll be full of energy and life.
Sometimes you just know that it's all going to okay, and for the first time in a while, I believe that's the case.
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