Overdrive

It's alot easier to write about how you're feeling when you are feeling so many things that it feels like you're about to burst.

It feels like this last 9 days I've been living in overdrive. Where every little activity has felt like it took so much energy and caused so much anxiety, that simply just laying in bed almost felt impossible.

I'm back to struggling to eat anything, I'm back to spending most of the day in bed and nearly backing out of plans because the thought of existing sends me into a panic that I struggle to calm myself from. Any little thing has set me off, especially in the last few days. Simply today texting some of my friends led me to start sobbing, and I don't really know why. Yesterday I barely managed to eat, I turned off my phone and hibernated away because everything about existing felt like it was too unbearable.

I've spent the last few days trying to pinpoint a reason that every little thing is leading to crippling anxiety, and I'm struggling to find anything. I'm struggling to find a reason for waking up every hour in the night panicking. I'm struggling to find a reason that I'm struggling to function like a slightly okay human being.

I'm falling back into bad habits, and even though I know it's making me feel worse, in my current headspace I can't think of any other way of coping. 

Everytime I start thinking everything is heading up, it seems to just plummet back down again. And whilst now it's easier to manage, everything feels at the point where it isn't getting any better, so why on earth would it? It can be so hard to remain optimistic when every time you feel like things are finally heading forward, you find yourself then going straight back.

I would be lying if I said I am not currently sat balling my eyes out whilst writing this. For no other reason that I just want to stop struggling, and I just want to be able to function again. I'm in a state of anxiety, misery and overwhelming emotions, and I don't really know what to do.