Drive You Away

The moment I realised that my depression had driven you away was the moment I realised that I had been taken away to.

The moment that you simply couldn't handle the mood swings, the clinging, the part of me that told myself you hated me even though I knew it wasn't true. The moment you had enough of the person you believed me to be when really the person I am was screaming from inside because I needed you more than ever and I knew you were done.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have left. Part of me doesn't blame you. Part of me knows that if it was the flip side and you were the one struggling, I would get annoyed eventually at the way you acted. I would get annoyed and think about leaving because part of me would convince myself that our friendship wasn't worth it.

But that's the difference you see. I would've thought about it. You went through with it.

Did you at one point ever stop to think that I needed you? Like when you needed me? Do you remember that I was there for you constantly when you were struggling and at your worst because I was your friend and that's what I was supposed to do. For part of our friendship, I put your happiness way above mine and when I needed you to return that love, you decided my needs were too much.

Did you ever stop to think about the consequences of that action? Did you ever think for one second that arguing and leaving me at a time I needed you would make all of the thoughts and emotions in my brain ten times worse than they already were? Did you ever consider the fact that I was obviously at breaking point, but you still felt it appropriate to complete the final blow that would break me into thousands of pieces?

Do I not deserved to be loved at my worst like I was loved at my best?

At my worst I may not be the smiling, pretty sarcastic and bubbly friend that I can be, and I know that. At my worst I pushed you away. I couldn't bare to face you or be anywhere near you because I was too afraid to show you a side of me that I couldn't accept myself. I didn't want you to see the part of me that was hurting because I didn't want my pain to hurt you to. I didn't want you to see my struggling because I knew you were struggling too and I didn't want to make it any harder on you.

I was hurting inside and you decided the best course of action was to leave.

I knew you were leaving and I opened up.

I was low and I opened up.

I opened up like you wanted me to. I told you everything. I told you that I was not okay and that theres something not quite right with my brain but you still fucking left anyway because the fact you were the cure for my pain didn't mean anything to you. You still left because even after all the tears, the pleas, the begging you to stay didn't mean anything because you never cared about me in the smallest way. You left because you didn't want it to get any better.

I was never good enough for you.

For you it was okay to leave because "i drove you away", because it was just a reason to leave me, a reason you'd probably been hopelessly searching for.

It was like part of you wanted me to hurt, wanted me to spiral, wanted me to be so unhappy that part of me actually forgot what being happy actually was. Part of you wanted me to feel numb, unloved, lonely, worthless. Part of you wanted the depression to get worse, the anxiety to heighten to levels so high that every time I leave my room my heart beats ten times faster and ten times louder.

You wanted me to break. You wanted me to cry. You wanted to break my recovery. You wanted me to suffer. You wanted me to be alone again. You wanted me to feel low.

You wanted to blame me.

You wanted this to be my fault so everyone left me and I was all alone.

You wanted me to be the bad guy, you wanted me to feel like I couldn't go on.

And you won.

You made me into a person I never thought I would be. You made my mental health state the worst it's ever been and you can't even reply to my messages or look me in the eye anymore, and it's probably not from the guilt or the sorrow. You won't look into my eyes because you know it would hurt me more this way.

You knew how to break me in ways I didn't know I could break myself.

You knew that I absolutely admired you, and you suddenly taking that away would tear me into so many pieces that I wouldn't know how to put them back together.

You were the hunter, I was the mark. You waited patiently for the right time to shoot me down because you knew I was most vulnerable at that moment.

You took who I was and left a shell of myself. You left me broken, you left me needing love.


But I guess its all my fault, because I completely drove you away. And there's nothing I can do about it.