Rock Bottom

You know when you've hit rock bottom.

For my friend it was when she called me at 3am because she just found out some awful family news and couldn't get home to be with them. For a classmate it was when she received a failed mark back from an essay she worked ridiculously hard on for weeks.

For me, it was when I was sat thinking of ways that it could get any worse and struggling to find any reasons because everything bad that I could think of happening to me had already happened. It was when I was messaging my friend at 6pm because I felt really panicky but didn't have the courage to tell any of the 8 of my friends surrounding me that I felt this way. It was when I drunkenly cried for hours in my room and relapsed for the first time in months because I felt so defeated that I felt like I couldn't do anything but. It was when my parents saw in my eyes for the first time that I wasn't looking happy and they then proceeded to spend the next few weeks worrying about me like crazy because I was at university and they thought something was seriously wrong.

I knew I'd hit rock bottom because there was no further way down. The depression was an abyss and I was sat at the bottom, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I could ever get myself out. I was stuck in what I thought was a never ending pit that turned out to actually have a bottom. And rock bottom isn't a great place to be. It's missing 3/5 of your weekly lectures because you are physically unable to get out of bed. It's missing out on social events because you need to be in your room and alone because you can't deal with the thought of seeing anyone. It's eating nothing or eating twice your daily needs.

It's dark. Cold. Numb. Emotional. Painful. Tiring. Lonely.

It's an array of feelings you feel normally anyway, just amplified to a deafening tune that you cannot rid of no matter your attempts.

But it's also a journey.

As you sit at rock bottom thinking that there is only one way out, you come to realise that you've come to this and you're still alive, so there must be a way out.

It's full of learning. Trial and error. Failure. Success. You learn things about yourself that you wouldn't have ever learnt unless you were currently sat at rock bottom wishing that you could fly back to the light.

Once you realise that there is a way out, you learn. You try one thing and fail, but it fuels you even more to get back to the top.

You make your first step above rock bottom.

The darkness still consumes you but now you have the ability to be fuelled by the thoughts of successfully climbing even a quarter of the way to the top because any distance is better than sitting at the bottom.

You continue to try.

You let out your emotions, you reach out for help. You realise that even though someone can't fall down to rock bottom to physically help you out, they can shout down advice and help to guide you to the beginning of a recovery.

You fall back down but this time you stand straight back up because you were this low before and you know now what to do to reach the top again. You aren't alone this time. Someone is there to lend a hand and you have the belief in yourself that you can do it. You know it's possible.

You climb higher.

Everyone climbs at different rates from when they reach rock bottom. It could take hours, days, months or years for different people but sooner or later the aid you need to climb will be there. Whether that's guidance, medication, CBT, a smile, any climbing aid will help you climb back up.

I climbed that much higher that I was okay with leaving the house again. I was okay with feeling anxious in public because I realised that I needed to feel this if I wanted recovery. I realised if I wanted recovery I had to talk to someone because it's so much easier to recover when you have someone there to encourage you that it'll be okay.

And yes, I fell.

I slipped up completely not long ago and found myself at the bottom again with worries that this time, I really won't be able to climb back up.

But it's a learning curve.

When you're at rock bottom you learn so much more about yourself and about life than when you're sat at the top looking down and thinking about how bad it would be to fall in.

When you're at the bottom you know it can't get darker, and that makes you stronger, somewhat happier and kits you up with the tools you need when you feel any sort of pain in your life. You don't fear the moment you might fall again if you're at the bottom.

And when you accept that you will be able to climb back up, it makes it easier. It makes any pain that bit easier to deal with. It makes you absolutely elated when you make that step up because it's progress you never thought you'd be able to make. Every fall and every climb progresses your ability to be able to cope with rock bottom.

It's all a journey. You realise that yes, everything may have been bad yesterday but you survived that storm, so you realise you can survive this one too.

Rock bottom isn't a nice place to be. But once you're there and accept that you need to start climbing back up, it can be one of the most rewarding battles you'll ever face.

Because when you reach your goal, whether that be a few steps up or back to the top, it'll be the best feeling in the world.

Rock bottom isn't the end.

It's only the beginning.