How "Being Myself" Turned Me Into The Person I Didn't Want To Be

One thing I've been told throughout the 18 years, 4 Months and 6 Days of my life, is no matter what happens to just be yourself and everything will work out.

And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.

You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.

I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.

It was something I never understood, until I changed to.

I changed however for a different reason.

My personality changed because my mental health changed. 

Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.

The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.

It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.

It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.

But thats the problem isn't it?

You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.

At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?

Wrong.

Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.

That's when it all got too much.

It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.

It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.

I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.

I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.

I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.

For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.

I was so wrong.

I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.

I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.


It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.

Isn't this a problem?

Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.

Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?

Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.

You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.


As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.

And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.

I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.

So don't make the same mistakes as I did.

Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.



More Information: 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk