When You Are Not Okay.

I have spent countless nights wondering why I am bothering tomorrow when I know it will be as bad as today.

I have spent countless days where time just passes by and where I'm not stepping forward, if anything I'm stepping back.

There is no easy way to admit you are not okay.

There is no easy way to say that you no longer feel happy in a world that collapses around you.

There is no easy way to say you're hurting.

When you've been doing better then everything crashes down, it can be an empty feeling. When you are proud of how far you've come to then seemingly return to square one, it almost feels as if you were rescued from drowning to then be dragged again under the water. You get a sense of freedom, to just be pulled back in.

I often talk about my sadness like drowning. Like you are drowning and everyone is swimming. But it's more than that. It feels like you are drowning in the sense that you are drowning. In the sense that every little thing is that bit too much to keep you safe. Like it is impossible to touch the ground because there is more sadness than there is you. Like my thoughts can be too much and my happiness is then drowned in sorrow.

When you're drowning it's hard to remember that you aren't drowning alone. There are without a doubt other people drowning too, but you cannot see anyone else drowning so you feel all alone. Like you are the only person in the entire world who is drowning.

And when you're drowning, you might not see the people throwing you a life ring. You may be too focused on drowning to see that people are there to offer a hand. You won't see it until you want to.

I'm not saying that someone else will save you. Someone can guide you, someone can help you stay afloat. But you need to make the decision, that you want to get better. You want to stay afloat.

There is no easy way to admit that you're hurting.

There is no easy way to admit that you don't want to be alive.

There is no easy way to admit that you don't feel like your life has a purpose and that you wish it could all end.

There is no cure for sadness. Life is structured in the way that something bad will happen to you and you need to find a way to bounce back. This is not to say that you're pain isn't valid. Your pain is valid. Your pain is valid and people will see that you are hurting and people will understand that it is not an easy thing to be talking about.


My days recently have been constant drowning. Constant breakdowns. Constant thinking whether I am cut out to be at university anymore to do what I love. Constant panic and constant pain. Constant hate of myself.

My days have been one blur.

My days have not been easy.

It is hard to admit when you are not doing okay, after a long period of doing okay.

Taking that step is the most important step you will make.

The first step to being okay, is admitting you aren't.