Cycle

Cycle


Anxiety is a cycle.

I know that especially recently, my anxiety has been especially bad. I know that in public i've been clasping my phone that bit tighter, i've been trying to block out everyone around me that bit harder, i've been more concious with my actions to avoid embarrassment.

I know that.

I know that like I knew this wasn't normal. I know that like I know I really should go to a doctor to get the help I need to fix all of this.

But that's the whole problem isn't it?

If my anxiety is getting higher and higher, my will to call a doctor is getting lower and lower.

If i can't cope with doing anything new that bit more, if I can't go to a new room at uni without leaving 30 minutes before I need to be there because I'm worried about being late, if I'm ignoring great opportunities because I'm anxious of meeting new people, if I'm that bit more anxious about even walking in public or moving around people, then how will I be able to do anything?

Everytime i make a phone call, my heart rate accelerates and I feel the pounding in my chest. My breathing increases, my head hurts, I start to shake, I'll mess up my words. I'll put the phone down midway through it ringing at least 4 times until I will hold on until the person answers the phone.

If I cannot make a phone call to a friend without having a mini panic attack, how can I call that doctor?

I once nearly didn't go to a doctors appointment about an injection that my mum booked for me, because neither of my parents could come with me.

I lost money from my car insurance cashback because i couldn't physically make a phone call.

I once went into work when I was too ill to even get out of bed because I couldn't deal with the anxiety I had from the thought of phoning in.

Do you see where this is going??

The longer I put off calling the doctor, the worse the anxiety gets.

The worse the anxiety gets, the longer I put off calling the doctor.

It's a cycle.

It's a vicious cycle that I found myself a part of and theres nothing I can do to stop myself from falling deeper into a pit of sadness and anxiety because my anxiety and sadness mean I can't do anything about it.

Its a cycle.

It's a cycle thats hard to be free of.

I wish one day that I can be.