Grief

I found this post very hard to write. After many drafts and many hours thinking about what to say, I found myself deleting and redrafting my word because nothing I can say would come close to summing up how I feel.

It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.

It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness,  sadness and emptiness I would feel.

Grief.

The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.

Grief.

I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.

Grief.

I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.

Grief.

The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.

Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.

But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.

And grief can really fuck up your emotions.

Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.

Grief never goes away.

Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.

Grief.

It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.

And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.

The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.

And it's hard.

And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.

I love you.

Sleep tight.