Why I Pretend I'm Happy (And Why You Shouldn't)

True happiness isn't an always an option.

I know when I wake up that the chances are I will have a shitty day which will then lead to some sort of mood crash, panic attack or breakdown. 

All whilst I wear a smile.

Because even though happiness isn't an option, anything but is an inconvenience.

So i just pretend.

I pretend that my mental health is in one piece. I pretend that I have no family problems at home. I pretend that I didn't have a rough night and thats why I'm so tired.

I pretend I'm okay, because it's how I have been told I need to be.

Because when I say anything different no one cares about me.

When I tell you I'm feeling really depressed, you tell me I'm lying and nothings wrong.

But when I tell you I feel happy you believe me and are happy too.

Why do you believe my happiness but not my sadness?

We live in a society where happiness is easier for a person to deal with. We are a race who are so selfish that we don't care when a person feels like ending their life, but we are overjoyed when a person is in a good mood.

So it's easier to wear a mask.

I pretend I'm happy to make your life easier.

I lie to you.

When I tell you I'm doing okay I'm really sat in my bathroom crying my eyes out because I can't deal with the thought of being alive.

When I tell you I'm feeling well, I'm really sat in bed unable to get up because I physically cannot face the day ahead of me.

I lie to you.

I'll put your happiness above mine because I believe that you have a chance in life to make this world a better place and I put your happiness above mine because your smile is as warm as the sun on a hot summers day.

I'll fake a smile because its honestly easier that way.

I'll fake a smile when you insult me "as a joke" then wonder why I've suddenly gone very quiet and reserved.

I'll fake a smile when I feel like I can't breathe in a public place because its so much easier to lie and be fine than it is to open up and ask for help.

It's easier to pretend you're happy, but it fucks you up in the long term.

It gets to the point where pretending to be happy is second nature and that everyone things that everything is so okay that you saying any different would be an attention seeking lie.

And it'd be easier to fake a smile than to tell you for the last 7/8 years of my life I'd been lying to you, and the person you know isn't the person I am.

Easier doesn't mean the best.

Years of pretending turns into a truth where you put everyones problems no matter how small above the demons tormenting you from the inside that are slowly but surely driving you to madness or something more extreme.

True happiness isn't always an option.

But when it isn't, fake happiness shouldn't be an option either.

I may pretend to be happy, but you really shouldn't.