Hello!!
Today I'm going to do a more generic post, maybe something a little bit different from my published posts and the many many drafts sat waiting for completion.
But, this is something that I strongly feel and want to say more than anything I will write, because its one thing understanding all about these parts of life, but its a different thing understanding the impact on what you say and what its like to live with it.
I get it, occasionally a "hilarious" comment just happens to 'slip out' about issues that people face everyday.
Like when I hear family say things like "Thats such a gay thing to do why would you want to do that"
Or my personal favourite, hearing the classic "oh i should just go kill myself" from friends in a jokey and apparently harmless way.
But you dont get it do you??
Because people, including myself, have to live with homophobia, suicidal thoughts etc every day of our lives and you think its oKAY to make jokes??
News flash, it wasn't okay the first time, it wasn't okay the 30th time and it won't be okay on the 100th time.
But you got a few laughs out of it, so its alright isn't it? You got some laughs from more inconsiderate air heads that don't seem to realise that the things you're crapping out of your mouth may actually feel like stabs in the heart to a few people you're sat with.
The stabs in the heart that continue to bleed and bleed and make you feel like your lungs want to collapse and when you sit in bed overthinking and persuading yourself to stay strong and stay clean whilst battling in your mind between them not meaning a word of what they said and them wanting you to do something stupid. Whilst they still think it's alright.
But isn't that what mental health is about? Battling between yourself and your demons?
The battle that becoming a war you possibly cannot win with all the jokes and the comments making you think that happiness and recovery and normality it something that you don't deserve and will never have.
I wish people understood it more, what it's like.
What it's like to have to have mulitple days off college or work because you're so sad or anxious or drained at the moment that you physically can't move and you've made yourself so ill stressing about everything.
What it's like to be constantly battling in your mind that the people you don't know on a table near you aren't laughing at you (just to conclude that they are even though theres no chance in hell they are)
What it's like to have to talk yourself out of doing stupid things and hoping you collapse from tiredness any minute because you know you don't have the will to stop yourself.
What it's like to hear your closest friends and family members joke about mental health like its nothing.
But you don't really understand these kinda things unless you've gone through it.
My issue is that it's more than just jokes like these in conversation. It's peoples moaning at you directly or indirectly to be happier, to be more optimistic about life, to stop being so negative.
Don't you see?
I can't.
I can't be happier, I can't be more positive and optimistic. I try. Trust me theres nothing i want more in my life to be happy!! But my brain is sick, I've almost been socialised or conditioned into being sad no matter the happiness that life throws at me. I find the sadness in all happiness, the bad in all the good. I moan alot and rant alot because I'm so unhappy and think that everythings shitty in this godforsaken world. I don't try to make you sad by telling you sad things but I have no one else to turn to to try and help me feel better about myself. I want to be happy.
I can't.
I'm sorry if the mental illness i've had to live with for 8 years is making you upset, it's not like I mean to cause any problems. But I'll try and tell my brain to stop being sad to make you happy, is that what you want?
I can't.
Living with mental health problems is something awful. It's something that completely changes you and ruins the person you've always wanted to be and turns you into a shell of yourself who you absolutely dispise every living day.
And you're jokes and comments just make everything feel just that bit more painful. That bit harder to cope with.
Are they still funny now?
No comments:
Post a Comment