goodbye

 a few weeks ago we said goodbye to our family dog, franco. he truly was my best friend. and i know everyone says it but he meant the absolute world to me. 

i was 10 when we got him. he saw me finish primary school and lived through me graduating with a masters degree. he loved me despite it all. he didn't care about anything i did, how i looked, what i liked. but he was a dog, how could he care? but the reality was that having that meant everything to me. when i was bullied for years relentlessly, he always was happy to see me come home. when i was crying my eyes out, he laid with me and often licked the tears away. when we were lonely we could be lonely together. i spent countless hours by his side, either sleeping on his back legs where my head fit perfectly on him, whether he was sat on me because the boys were screaming at the football, or on 2 long hour walks because even if he was tired he never wanted to stop.

i loved him with every ounce of my body. everyday was better when he was in it because he made the sad days a little bit brighter. he was the first one i would run and see when i got home from anything, whether that was an hour away with my friends or months away at uni. he would usually get the last bite of my food or be the one to eat our leftovers. he always just made everything better. 

ive known for a while a goodbye was coming. i think he did too. on his last day he spent hours just trying to hold on because he didn't want to go as much as we didn't want him to go. i have never cried more than this, since the moment he left. there feels like a huge hole in my heart that i dont think will ever be fixed.

the truth is i didn't think i'd ever say goodbye to him like this. i think thats the hardest part. when you spend so much of your life struggling to stay alive, you never think you're going to outlive people. i never thought about the goodbyes. especially this year. i have spent so much of 2021 just wanting to not be alive that i really thought i wouldn't get through it. i hate to even think about it, but i didn't think i'd make it, part of me isn't even sure i still will some days. i've discovered newer rockier bottoms, new thoughts and emotions that i never knew were possible and new things to be sad about.

but it was different when franco was alive. when he was still here i had a reason to get out of bed. if i got out of bed, even if it was only for a moment i got to see his smiling face and stroke him and feel better in an instant. but now i have nothing. and i am truly lost without him.

i didn't realise how hard losing him would be. i never thought i'd need to.