I am in a very weird place of recovery at the moment, one that I am finding it hard to put into words. I don't have enough to put into words but I have enough that the feelings are still overwhelming to contain, when I feel them. I think thats the main thing, it's not the feelings themselves that have changed - it's the frequency of them.
I think back on the person I was a few years ago, and the progress I perceive myself to have made is leaps and bounds beyond anything I ever thought I could achieve. I have changed so much from the girl who could barely eat a meal a day, self harmed almost daily, mentally struggling with her sexual identity and was struggling to find a reason to stay alive. I wish I could say that girl had completely vanished, but I would be lying to myself if I did.
I rarely have bad days anymore, but I have many moments within my day where everything is difficult. Just today, I woke up feeling anxious (which thankfully alleviated after 10 minutes) and this evening I spent hours trying to get myself to eat something. The difference between me now and a few years ago is that now I actually will eat if I try and stop myself originally. Me now will get out of bed if I'm feeling anxious or sad, to carry on as normal to get the feelings to pass. Me now will think about relapse but I rarely come close to doing it.
I wish I could pinpoint the moment my mental health difficulty started to turn into recovery. I wish I knew how or even why I have managed to find myself in a place where I can put my hand on my heart and outright call this recovery. I am fortunate enough that I am in a happier, stronger place and that I am not constantly overwhelmed with feelings I cannot and do not want to comprehend.
I used to tell myself that I was going to be unhappy forever. I know that isn't true. But I also know that this will never completely go away. I think accepting to myself that reaching the "true" recovery, that I have wanted to reach for so many years, is never going to be something I will reach has helped me continue. Part of me will always have a second thought when I eat, will still feel anxious all the time, will still want to shut herself off from the entire world and the part of me that simply does not want to exist. Accepting that has allowed me to continue working towards recovery.
After all these years, I think I can finally say I am doing the best I have been since I was a suicidal 11 year old, feeling lost and alone. I am doing well, and I will continue to do so with each passing day.
I rarely have bad days anymore, but I have many moments within my day where everything is difficult. Just today, I woke up feeling anxious (which thankfully alleviated after 10 minutes) and this evening I spent hours trying to get myself to eat something. The difference between me now and a few years ago is that now I actually will eat if I try and stop myself originally. Me now will get out of bed if I'm feeling anxious or sad, to carry on as normal to get the feelings to pass. Me now will think about relapse but I rarely come close to doing it.
I wish I could pinpoint the moment my mental health difficulty started to turn into recovery. I wish I knew how or even why I have managed to find myself in a place where I can put my hand on my heart and outright call this recovery. I am fortunate enough that I am in a happier, stronger place and that I am not constantly overwhelmed with feelings I cannot and do not want to comprehend.
I used to tell myself that I was going to be unhappy forever. I know that isn't true. But I also know that this will never completely go away. I think accepting to myself that reaching the "true" recovery, that I have wanted to reach for so many years, is never going to be something I will reach has helped me continue. Part of me will always have a second thought when I eat, will still feel anxious all the time, will still want to shut herself off from the entire world and the part of me that simply does not want to exist. Accepting that has allowed me to continue working towards recovery.
After all these years, I think I can finally say I am doing the best I have been since I was a suicidal 11 year old, feeling lost and alone. I am doing well, and I will continue to do so with each passing day.
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