Being alive feels impossible again.
I know, wanting to die is selfish. I've heard it all before. You've told me how there are people terminally ill who are praying for one more day of existing and there are people in the middle of wars not knowing if today is the day they are killed and i know people are dying every day and you don't want me to add to that list.
But when all you know is wanting to die, sometimes you clutch onto that feeling. You clutch it tight like its all you have left because sometimes thats what it feels like. It feels like all you have is the fact that yesterday you wanted to die but you didn't, like you didnt the day before then and each day from each month from each year from the first time.
Sometimes I go through days by remembering I survived yesterday. Sometimes the only reason I can live to tomorrow is because I lived to today.
It's hard wanting to die but not having a reason. I don't even really want to die I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't even know what this feeling is. I feel like I'm lost, like I'm walking around an empty room without any way out.
Everything is fine. But I don't feel fine.
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