Forgive Myself

I didn't want to forgive myself for relapsing.

I wanted to punish myself even more than I already was. Every time I relapse I feel like I'm going backwards, even though relapse is rare for me now.

But this time, I wouldn't forgive myself.

And it spiralled.

It became more than a self harm relapse, it turned into a making myself sick, unable to move and being near suicidal relapse. It's been months since I truly wanted to die. It's been years since I made myself sick. But I didn't want to forgive myself. I instead wanted to hurt myself more, and this was the only way I knew how.

I'm only just starting to stabilise again.

I'm only just remembering how much further I am than I was months and years ago.

I'm doing better.

I just need to remember to forgive myself. It's easier said than done, but I'll get there one day.