Today

Today I'm not afraid to say that I'm struggling.

In the past I have denied it, both inwardly and outwardly, that I wasn't doing great because I used to think that me admitting that would make me feel worse. I used to believe if I admitted I was sad or stressed or anxious then I would become more sad, stressed and anxious. I used to tell myself that if I even thought about the fact that sometimes I couldn't make myself eat then I would continue to do that.

What I know now, but didn't then, is that the first and most important step to feeling okay again is to admit you aren't. The most important step to having it in me to eat again is to admit to myself that I'm not.

You can't solve a problem by ignoring it. Ignoring it doesn't make the problem go away, it makes it spiral out of control.

Today I stress cut my hair.

Yesterday I couldn't sleep because I was anxious.

Two days ago I couldn't eat lunch.

Three days ago I burst out crying because I felt so overwhelmed.

Today I am anxious. I'm so fucking anxious. Today I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed, I have so many thoughts I can't think straight. Today I can't stop fidgiting and tapping. Today I can't see anything but stress and sadness.

But that's okay.

Because today I'm trying. Today I'm not giving up. Today I'm admitting has been a struggle.

I need to say I'm struggling. And I am.

But there is no progression without steps back.

That is something I'm still trying to learn.