The more I write about grief, the more I start to understand it. Not that I will every really understand it, but it helps me realise the way I deal with it.
The day marking a year after my uncle died, I was a complete mess. As you'd expect, it was a really upsetting day that made me face the fact that I'd have to deal with many more years of the same upset on this one day.
Today, on the one year anniversary of my nan's passing, everything felt weirdly normal. I didn't feel overly upset, I didn't feel really anything out of my everyday feelings. It was a normal day relatively. I was at home, went shopping, chilled with my parents, ate dinner and then hung out with some friends. The only abnormal part about my day was going to the crematorium for a bit, to the spot where her ashes were scattered.
I wasn't upset at all today, and I am upset at myself because of that.
I've had such a horrible year dealing with my nan's death, but on the one day of the year, the day she was born and the day that she also died, I felt nothing. The one day I'm almost allowed to be upset, and everything was absolutely normal. Normal. Why am I allowed to feel fine today? Why does grief decide it doesn't want to play a part in my life today?
The more I think I understand about grief, the less I actually do.
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