Thursday 10 January 2019

2:32, 12:10, 2:01, 2:32, 2:34.

At 2.32am I burst into tears.

I had just calmed down enough from my fourth panic attack in 48 hours and couldn't control my feelings. I had no idea what was wrong, I couldn't breathe, I spent the whole time screaming in my head about how this all would be better if I wasn't alive. I don't know why I've had 6 panic attacks like this since the 5th of January, but I think its fair to say I'm having a bad mental health week.

Everything recently has been okay. Like, really okay. The last panic attack I'd had was the start of December when I was drunk, overwhelmed and arguing with someone. I calmed down and carried on as normal the next day because everything was okay. I finished term on a high, went back to work and settled in extremely easier than I thought I was going to. I was enjoying life, I was enjoying everything and was happy for the first time over a whole Christmas period in a while.

Tonight I had a night off. I started thinking about going back to uni. About the unstarted essay I have due in a few days, about the masses amount of work I have to do next term. How my whole degree kinda rides on this next term. I started thinking about going back to university and how much anxiety that seemed to give me was overwhelming. At 12:10am I burst out crying. I stopped being able to breathe, I was shaking, restless and panicking like I'd never done so before. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to relapse. Everything was impossible and I didn't want it to happen.

I calmed down and ended up thinking about how much everything was moving so fast. How so much is happening in these few months and I didn't want it to. I started thinking about how well I have been doing and how I was so ready to ruin that. I've been clean since November 1st, haven't had genuine thoughts about wanting everything to end in months and even my anxiety felt like it had gotten better. Tonight and the nights before felt like all of this was ruined.

At 2:01am I had my second panic attack. All these thoughts were too much. I sat wondering if this is it. Is this how my life is going to be? Will my mental health ever improve? Everything from earlier and more was circling my head, but I eventually calmed down. I was so overwhelmed with so many things that I couldn't make a definitive list.

At 2:32am I burst into tears.

At 2:24 I said to myself this is it. When I go back to uni, I'm going to the doctors and I'm going to talk about my mental health. I'm going to talk about the fact that doing so many things gives me crippling anxiety no matter how basic. I'm going to talk about the fact sleep for me is near impossible most of the time. I'm going to talk about the fact that I seem to be unable to shake the sad.

I've made so much progress on my own, but it's time to get help, and hopefully find the way to progress even further.

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