Tonight I have a bunch of feelings and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't know how to express them.
I have spent the last few hours staring at my computer screen and I don't really know why. Tonight I don't know alot of things, and I don't really know how to go about it.
I used to keep everything I felt inside me. I used to bottle everything up, carry on going each day like I didn't feel like everything was too heavy. Right now I don't want to do that, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to do anything to flow the low feeling out.
It's been two years since my uncle passed away. It's been 9 months since my nan passed away. I don't know why everything still feels impossible, but it does. I can't stop it from feeling impossible. It's like my entire life things have been impossible, but this just made everything more impossible. Things aren't entirely impossible whilst also being entirely impossible. I struggle to find words for anything anymore, and I still don't know why.
I think I am doing better than I realistically am. Not with the grief of losing the ones I love, but with the grief of losing myself. Not losing myself, more I have completely lost who I am. I don't know what my life is like without it feeling shitty. Sometimes I feel like its my destiny. To feel like this. To feel like everything around me is going so fast but I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm falling at every little hurdle.
It's a stupid way to think about my life. But I constantly feel like I'm doing shitty and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for it, so I just lie. I pretend I'm fine but I'm not, but really I am fine but for some reason I don't think I am. I am fine, I really am fine. Right now I'm okay, but for some reason I persuade myself I'm not. And then I'm not fine but really I am fine. And then I get into this circle and then suddenly actually do start doing worse. And then I fuck everything up, snap myself out of this ridiculous thought and start becoming fine again.
I am a completely different person from the girl I was 5/6 years ago. Back then, breathing was a chore. Existing was too hard. I spent my days quiet, passing through life, hiding everything away whilst slowly seeing myself deteriorate whilst pretending all was great. I didn't really understand anything, but I pretending I knew what everything I felt was and I pretended I was okay about all of it.
I am a different person from the girl I was 2/3 years ago. The girl who was just scraping through her A-Levels, who spent her days cowering away with anxiety and spending her life in bed because the idea of doing anymore was too hard. The girl who completely gave up with her education because it didn't feel like I would make it beyond them. The girl who wanted anything that wasn't the life she was living.
When my uncle died, it gave me a new perspective on life in a completely awfully cliche way. It made me want to embrace who I was, to try and get better because the idea of carrying on to the point I couldn't continue just hurt me more than anything I had ever thought. The idea of my loved ones having to go through it again was too much to deal with.
I'm currently in my third year of university. A week ago, I went back so many paces and I've spent the many days after feeling too many emotions to know what to feel. It's been my feelings fluctuating so extremely that the days have just completely blurred together. Right now I feel like I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be able to swim, and whilst everything won't entirely be fine, everything will be absolutely fine.
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