Okay / Not Okay

I thought I was doing okay, but really I'm far from it.

This last week has just been a blur. I don't feel like I lived it, I feel like I fell asleep last Friday and still haven't woken up. 

My anxiety has been so fucking uncontrollable the last week, that on Monday I had a panic attack leaving my bedroom to brush my teeth. Tuesday I couldn't stop sad eating and I cried trying to eat breakfast and lunch on Wednesday. On Thursday I didn't want anything but to relapse and on Friday I had to come home because I couldn't bare anything to do with uni. 

I have no idea why everything is so hard this week. Why everything this entire year has felt like I've had to do it with the weight of the world on my back. I've had panic attacks every night for the last 2 weeks, some worse than others, because laying down in bed gives me anxiety and I have no idea why. I have no idea about anything and it actually terrifies me.

I've been clean again 41 days. I haven't had major issues with eating in months. My sleeping pattern is getting on track. 

On the most part, I've been okay. But the more okay I get, the worse my anxiety gets. It's almost like now I'm doing better with everything else, the worse I'm actually getting. It's like everything else was a coping mechanism for how fucking anxious I am, and now I've rid myself of that I have nothing to hide it.

I'm writing all of this right now whilst holding back tears. I know I'll publish this, shut off my laptop and go to sleep. I'll publish this, think thats a weight off my shoulder and hope that tomorrow things are better. But I'm not convinced it will. I don't see myself getting better. I don't see me being able to live a life where I don't have to repress every anxious and intrusive thought in my mind. 

I'm trying to be better, I just don't know if I can.

Grief, pt 4.

The more I write about grief, the more I start to understand it. Not that I will every really understand it, but it helps me realise the way I deal with it.

The day marking a year after my uncle died, I was a complete mess. As you'd expect, it was a really upsetting day that made me face the fact that I'd have to deal with many more years of the same upset on this one day.

Today, on the one year anniversary of my nan's passing, everything felt weirdly normal. I didn't feel overly upset, I didn't feel really anything out of my everyday feelings. It was a normal day relatively. I was at home, went shopping, chilled with my parents, ate dinner and then hung out with some friends. The only abnormal part about my day was going to the crematorium for a bit, to the spot where her ashes were scattered.

I wasn't upset at all today, and I am upset at myself because of that.

I've had such a horrible year dealing with my nan's death, but on the one day of the year, the day she was born and the day that she also died, I felt nothing. The one day I'm almost allowed to be upset, and everything was absolutely normal. Normal. Why am I allowed to feel fine today? Why does grief decide it doesn't want to play a part in my life today?

The more I think I understand about grief, the less I actually do.

Trying

I'm trying.

I'm trying so damn hard.

Sometimes trying isn't enough.

I'm trying to get through this.

I'm trying.

2:32, 12:10, 2:01, 2:32, 2:34.

At 2.32am I burst into tears.

I had just calmed down enough from my fourth panic attack in 48 hours and couldn't control my feelings. I had no idea what was wrong, I couldn't breathe, I spent the whole time screaming in my head about how this all would be better if I wasn't alive. I don't know why I've had 6 panic attacks like this since the 5th of January, but I think its fair to say I'm having a bad mental health week.

Everything recently has been okay. Like, really okay. The last panic attack I'd had was the start of December when I was drunk, overwhelmed and arguing with someone. I calmed down and carried on as normal the next day because everything was okay. I finished term on a high, went back to work and settled in extremely easier than I thought I was going to. I was enjoying life, I was enjoying everything and was happy for the first time over a whole Christmas period in a while.

Tonight I had a night off. I started thinking about going back to uni. About the unstarted essay I have due in a few days, about the masses amount of work I have to do next term. How my whole degree kinda rides on this next term. I started thinking about going back to university and how much anxiety that seemed to give me was overwhelming. At 12:10am I burst out crying. I stopped being able to breathe, I was shaking, restless and panicking like I'd never done so before. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to relapse. Everything was impossible and I didn't want it to happen.

I calmed down and ended up thinking about how much everything was moving so fast. How so much is happening in these few months and I didn't want it to. I started thinking about how well I have been doing and how I was so ready to ruin that. I've been clean since November 1st, haven't had genuine thoughts about wanting everything to end in months and even my anxiety felt like it had gotten better. Tonight and the nights before felt like all of this was ruined.

At 2:01am I had my second panic attack. All these thoughts were too much. I sat wondering if this is it. Is this how my life is going to be? Will my mental health ever improve? Everything from earlier and more was circling my head, but I eventually calmed down. I was so overwhelmed with so many things that I couldn't make a definitive list.

At 2:32am I burst into tears.

At 2:24 I said to myself this is it. When I go back to uni, I'm going to the doctors and I'm going to talk about my mental health. I'm going to talk about the fact that doing so many things gives me crippling anxiety no matter how basic. I'm going to talk about the fact sleep for me is near impossible most of the time. I'm going to talk about the fact that I seem to be unable to shake the sad.

I've made so much progress on my own, but it's time to get help, and hopefully find the way to progress even further.

To Those Who Make It Easier

Existing is often a hard thing to do.

Sometimes, the last thing you want to do is get out of bed and go through the day. Some days are harder than others and some days are damn right impossible.

Some days you want to give up, hexk some days you do. Some days you need a push to make it through and some days you need a shove. Some days you need advice, some days you need a wake up call.

Some days are hard.

But there are people in everyones lives that make it easier.

There are people who, maybe even without knowing, make your bad days into your best days and make your worst days into bearable ones.

I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful group of people who care about me. Whether this be to help me through my shitty thoughts, make me laugh when I'm stressed, just generally keep me company, listen to my ramblings or just be there when I need.

There is no way I can ever express my love and gratitude to every single person that has ever been there for me. To those who make me happy when happiness feels impossible. To those who listen to me and care about me, who know so much about me and don't judge anything about me. To those who let me listen to them and to those who I care about to. To my friends, my classmates, my internet friends, my family and anyone in between.

To those who make me want to exist, when existing feels impossible. There are not enough words I can express my love and thanks, but I will spend my life trying.

Grief Consumes You, But You Just Keep Grinning

Tonight I have a bunch of feelings and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't know how to express them.

I have spent the last few hours staring at my computer screen and I don't really know why. Tonight I don't know alot of things, and I don't really know how to go about it.

I used to keep everything I felt inside me. I used to bottle everything up, carry on going each day like I didn't feel like everything was too heavy. Right now I don't want to do that, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to do anything to flow the low feeling out.

It's been two years since my uncle passed away. It's been 9 months since my nan passed away. I don't know why everything still feels impossible, but it does. I can't stop it from feeling impossible. It's like my entire life things have been impossible, but this just made everything more impossible. Things aren't entirely impossible whilst also being entirely impossible. I struggle to find words for anything anymore, and I still don't know why.

I think I am doing better than I realistically am. Not with the grief of losing the ones I love, but with the grief of losing myself. Not losing myself, more I have completely lost who I am. I don't know what my life is like without it feeling shitty. Sometimes I feel like its my destiny. To feel like this. To feel like everything around me is going so fast but I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm falling at every little hurdle.

It's a stupid way to think about my life. But I constantly feel like I'm doing shitty and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for it, so I just lie. I pretend I'm fine but I'm not, but really I am fine but for some reason I don't think I am. I am fine, I really am fine. Right now I'm okay, but for some reason I persuade myself I'm not. And then I'm not fine but really I am fine. And then I get into this circle and then suddenly actually do start doing worse. And then I fuck everything up, snap myself out of this ridiculous thought and start becoming fine again.

I am a completely different person from the girl I was 5/6 years ago. Back then, breathing was a chore. Existing was too hard. I spent my days quiet, passing through life, hiding everything away whilst slowly seeing myself deteriorate whilst pretending all was great. I didn't really understand anything, but I pretending I knew what everything I felt was and I pretended I was okay about all of it.

I am a different person from the girl I was 2/3 years ago. The girl who was just scraping through her A-Levels, who spent her days cowering away with anxiety and spending her life in bed because the idea of doing anymore was too hard. The girl who completely gave up with her education because it didn't feel like I would make it beyond them. The girl who wanted anything that wasn't the life she was living.

When my uncle died, it gave me a new perspective on life in a completely awfully cliche way. It made me want to embrace who I was, to try and get better because the idea of carrying on to the point I couldn't continue just hurt me more than anything I had ever thought. The idea of my loved ones having to go through it again was too much to deal with.

I'm currently in my third year of university. A week ago, I went back so many paces and I've spent the  many days after feeling too many emotions to know what to feel. It's been my feelings fluctuating so extremely that the days have just completely blurred together. Right now I feel like I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be able to swim, and whilst everything won't entirely be fine, everything will be absolutely fine.

The Lifestyle Change

I have been feeling better.

I had been feeling better for a while and regardless of any little bumps down the road, I can gradually see myself improving.

I tend to think I say that I'm feeling better alot. Usually, when I say I'm doing better, I truly believe I am but I then look back on it and realise the only part of me feeling better was the part of me that was completely okay with existing. That isn't to say that I used to be lying, because me 9 months ago didn't think it was possible to get through the days often, so to then be able to function was a fantastic achievement and progression.

But I now look back on the last few months and think about how I've genuinely been feeling. I've genuinely been the happiest I can remember being in recent times. It almost feels like the weight I felt I was carrying around my life has vanished, and everything feels alot easier again. Even the simple things, like the willpower to cook dinner, having the energy to do things I loved doing, and simply socialising felt possible again, to the point I was and still currently actively seek out chances to do the things that my mental health barred me from doing for so long.

The best way I've found to describe how I feel at the moment is like when you clear any mist away from your car windscreen. You go from everything being blurry, to everything gradually becoming more visible and therefore easier to carry on going with. And whilst your screen may continue to fog up again, it is still so much clearer than it used to be, and you know how to deal with it.

Following my general ability to go through life improving, I decided to start making some physical changes to help me continue this positive change I was going through. I gave myself a new haircut (new hair, new me?), I started eating alot healthier which has now progressed to meat free weekdays and a tonne more vegetables/homemade food, I joined the gym and I make sure I drink enough water each day. The few little changes have made my thoughts almost clearer, and have really helped contribute to my mental health being alot less of an enemy, but more of an annoying neighbour that I know how to deal with if they become too much.

It is easier to deal with your mental health when you start to make your physical health your priority too. Not only by making sure you are eating well, exercising and keeping your hygiene up, but by giving your body the care it needs. I used to force myself to do things I didn't want to because I was worried about what others thought, but now I make sure I rest when I need to, I don't push myself too much because it is easy for everything for go abit downhill when I am physically and mentally exhausted. I used to convince myself that people would judge me for not going out when I physically couldn't, but I now see that people probably appreciate it more if you're honest and put your health at the forefront.

And I'm doing okay. Wholehearted, genuinely okay. I would be lying to myself if I ignored the fact I'm still trying to overcome alot of anxiety about many things, but I am gradually pushing myself to do things that I wouldn't even think about a year ago. And I am happy to do this as well, I am happy to try and test and conquer my limits, because right now I am absolutely okay with getting better.

I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to want to stay in the same mindset that I had been used to for a good part of my life. I hate change, I always have and I always will. I used to think that feeling better was an impossible future that I didn't want to experience, because I was so used to the 8 years of hurting myself in whatever way, the 9 years of terrible mental health, to the 10 years of not wanting to exist. I could never imagine a life without these feelings, these habits, these thoughts. I used to think I wasn't worth it, and even if I was, why bother to try and change any of the negativity in my life.

I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to think that this was all I knew and ever was going to know.

But now everything is okay. And I'm overwhelmingly happy to keep looking forward to a happy future, instead of living in a bleak present.