To Those Who Make It Easier

Existing is often a hard thing to do.

Sometimes, the last thing you want to do is get out of bed and go through the day. Some days are harder than others and some days are damn right impossible.

Some days you want to give up, hexk some days you do. Some days you need a push to make it through and some days you need a shove. Some days you need advice, some days you need a wake up call.

Some days are hard.

But there are people in everyones lives that make it easier.

There are people who, maybe even without knowing, make your bad days into your best days and make your worst days into bearable ones.

I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful group of people who care about me. Whether this be to help me through my shitty thoughts, make me laugh when I'm stressed, just generally keep me company, listen to my ramblings or just be there when I need.

There is no way I can ever express my love and gratitude to every single person that has ever been there for me. To those who make me happy when happiness feels impossible. To those who listen to me and care about me, who know so much about me and don't judge anything about me. To those who let me listen to them and to those who I care about to. To my friends, my classmates, my internet friends, my family and anyone in between.

To those who make me want to exist, when existing feels impossible. There are not enough words I can express my love and thanks, but I will spend my life trying.

Grief Consumes You, But You Just Keep Grinning

Tonight I have a bunch of feelings and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't know how to express them.

I have spent the last few hours staring at my computer screen and I don't really know why. Tonight I don't know alot of things, and I don't really know how to go about it.

I used to keep everything I felt inside me. I used to bottle everything up, carry on going each day like I didn't feel like everything was too heavy. Right now I don't want to do that, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to do anything to flow the low feeling out.

It's been two years since my uncle passed away. It's been 9 months since my nan passed away. I don't know why everything still feels impossible, but it does. I can't stop it from feeling impossible. It's like my entire life things have been impossible, but this just made everything more impossible. Things aren't entirely impossible whilst also being entirely impossible. I struggle to find words for anything anymore, and I still don't know why.

I think I am doing better than I realistically am. Not with the grief of losing the ones I love, but with the grief of losing myself. Not losing myself, more I have completely lost who I am. I don't know what my life is like without it feeling shitty. Sometimes I feel like its my destiny. To feel like this. To feel like everything around me is going so fast but I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm falling at every little hurdle.

It's a stupid way to think about my life. But I constantly feel like I'm doing shitty and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for it, so I just lie. I pretend I'm fine but I'm not, but really I am fine but for some reason I don't think I am. I am fine, I really am fine. Right now I'm okay, but for some reason I persuade myself I'm not. And then I'm not fine but really I am fine. And then I get into this circle and then suddenly actually do start doing worse. And then I fuck everything up, snap myself out of this ridiculous thought and start becoming fine again.

I am a completely different person from the girl I was 5/6 years ago. Back then, breathing was a chore. Existing was too hard. I spent my days quiet, passing through life, hiding everything away whilst slowly seeing myself deteriorate whilst pretending all was great. I didn't really understand anything, but I pretending I knew what everything I felt was and I pretended I was okay about all of it.

I am a different person from the girl I was 2/3 years ago. The girl who was just scraping through her A-Levels, who spent her days cowering away with anxiety and spending her life in bed because the idea of doing anymore was too hard. The girl who completely gave up with her education because it didn't feel like I would make it beyond them. The girl who wanted anything that wasn't the life she was living.

When my uncle died, it gave me a new perspective on life in a completely awfully cliche way. It made me want to embrace who I was, to try and get better because the idea of carrying on to the point I couldn't continue just hurt me more than anything I had ever thought. The idea of my loved ones having to go through it again was too much to deal with.

I'm currently in my third year of university. A week ago, I went back so many paces and I've spent the  many days after feeling too many emotions to know what to feel. It's been my feelings fluctuating so extremely that the days have just completely blurred together. Right now I feel like I'm drowning. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be able to swim, and whilst everything won't entirely be fine, everything will be absolutely fine.

The Lifestyle Change

I have been feeling better.

I had been feeling better for a while and regardless of any little bumps down the road, I can gradually see myself improving.

I tend to think I say that I'm feeling better alot. Usually, when I say I'm doing better, I truly believe I am but I then look back on it and realise the only part of me feeling better was the part of me that was completely okay with existing. That isn't to say that I used to be lying, because me 9 months ago didn't think it was possible to get through the days often, so to then be able to function was a fantastic achievement and progression.

But I now look back on the last few months and think about how I've genuinely been feeling. I've genuinely been the happiest I can remember being in recent times. It almost feels like the weight I felt I was carrying around my life has vanished, and everything feels alot easier again. Even the simple things, like the willpower to cook dinner, having the energy to do things I loved doing, and simply socialising felt possible again, to the point I was and still currently actively seek out chances to do the things that my mental health barred me from doing for so long.

The best way I've found to describe how I feel at the moment is like when you clear any mist away from your car windscreen. You go from everything being blurry, to everything gradually becoming more visible and therefore easier to carry on going with. And whilst your screen may continue to fog up again, it is still so much clearer than it used to be, and you know how to deal with it.

Following my general ability to go through life improving, I decided to start making some physical changes to help me continue this positive change I was going through. I gave myself a new haircut (new hair, new me?), I started eating alot healthier which has now progressed to meat free weekdays and a tonne more vegetables/homemade food, I joined the gym and I make sure I drink enough water each day. The few little changes have made my thoughts almost clearer, and have really helped contribute to my mental health being alot less of an enemy, but more of an annoying neighbour that I know how to deal with if they become too much.

It is easier to deal with your mental health when you start to make your physical health your priority too. Not only by making sure you are eating well, exercising and keeping your hygiene up, but by giving your body the care it needs. I used to force myself to do things I didn't want to because I was worried about what others thought, but now I make sure I rest when I need to, I don't push myself too much because it is easy for everything for go abit downhill when I am physically and mentally exhausted. I used to convince myself that people would judge me for not going out when I physically couldn't, but I now see that people probably appreciate it more if you're honest and put your health at the forefront.

And I'm doing okay. Wholehearted, genuinely okay. I would be lying to myself if I ignored the fact I'm still trying to overcome alot of anxiety about many things, but I am gradually pushing myself to do things that I wouldn't even think about a year ago. And I am happy to do this as well, I am happy to try and test and conquer my limits, because right now I am absolutely okay with getting better.

I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to want to stay in the same mindset that I had been used to for a good part of my life. I hate change, I always have and I always will. I used to think that feeling better was an impossible future that I didn't want to experience, because I was so used to the 8 years of hurting myself in whatever way, the 9 years of terrible mental health, to the 10 years of not wanting to exist. I could never imagine a life without these feelings, these habits, these thoughts. I used to think I wasn't worth it, and even if I was, why bother to try and change any of the negativity in my life.

I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to think that this was all I knew and ever was going to know.

But now everything is okay. And I'm overwhelmingly happy to keep looking forward to a happy future, instead of living in a bleak present.

Two Different Stories

Today I just really felt like writing. I feel like the last week I've had so many things going on, so many little dramas and arguments, so little sleep and so much that has just rushed past me that I feel in a state of 'what the fuck is happening'.

Everything has been a weird combination of slightly unbearable but also completely okay. Whilst I'm naturally still a bit of a panicked mess, I also am alot happier in general and happier in myself. The times I've been really hurting in the last week or so have been for genuine reasons to feel upset, but outside of that everythings been absolutely fine. I feel myself just being happy, just feeling normal unless theres a reason not to, which is something I haven't really experienced in a while.

Everything in that part of my feelings has improved alot in general. I'm staying far clear of coping habits and I'm really progressing on many fronts. Whilst I did think it was all up and down, looking back I'm realising that was absolutely normal with the circumstances. I'm feeling okay, and I like feeling okay.

Everything on the other side is a completely different story. My sleep schedule has been so out of whack with the constant change of day shifts to night shifts at the moment, that I'm sleeping so little and badly or for way too much and badly, and it's emotionally draining me. The whole sleep cycle I'm in has just heightened any emotions I'm feeling at the moment and made it feels like it's the end of the world. I've been struggling to sleep because of anxiety again, which just makes me want to constantly scream.

But I've also been doing really well with anxiety related things. I'm pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I've been feeling great about it. The other day I sat and ate in public alone which I have never done, I spoke to a random stranger asking me a question in a supermarket. I'm slowly starting to adjust myself in the way that alot of things I found absolutely terrifying actually aren't as scary as I thought they were. I'm progressing, and it's feeling great.

Everything is abit confusing right now. I'm doing okay but not okay but then also okay where I'm not okay. If someone asks how I'm doing in a "hows ya mental health" way, I completely panic because right now, I honestly don't know. It's like part of me is still hurting so much that I just wanna cry on someones shoulders and hug them until I fall asleep, and part of me wants to jump for joy because a huge part of me is absolutely fine.

I know that once uni starts again, hopefully I'll get back into a routine and anxiety will collapse a little bit. I'll get back into a usual sleep pattern and I'll be full of energy and life.

Sometimes you just know that it's all going to okay, and for the first time in a while, I believe that's the case.

Trying To Be Better

I've spent alot of my life at war with myself. I have a tendency to push everyone I love away when everything is difficult, and I don't know why. It's like I find it easier to be struggling through life by myself than it is to open up to really good people because breaking down my walls is too terrifying.

When I'm feeling down, I often find it hard to remind myself that I am a strong girl with alot of fight and alot of life and living ahead of her. I have been through a whole range of terrible things and come out the other side with a smile and a fight. But it's hard to remember smiling when everything feels like it's falling to pieces, when life feels like it's purposely throwing obstacles my way. It's hard to feel motivated when everything I seem to do leads to me being unhappy or anxious again.

My worst coping mechanism is pushing people away. I don't even think about it, but when everything hurts and doesn't seem like it'll improve, I try and push people away so I don't, in a way, drag them down with me. I find it somehow easier to do this than to open up to people, than to even accept that there are people who love and care about me, just like I do them.

It's almost like at this point I'm so used to being thrown to a curb when I open up that I push them there before I can get hurt again.

It's almost like I'm tired of being told that I'm faking it, being shunned away, being ignored, being shouted at and not being understood or listened to. So many people have left my life because the second I spoke about feeling sad or feeling anxious or anything related, they turned it back in my face and basically told me that I'm just seeking attention. Heck once, a group of my "friends" sat and laughed in my face when I told them I wasn't doing okay.

Regardless of this, I know I have to do better. I find it near impossible to trust anyone anymore, but I know I have to stop using excuses to try and make up for my shit. And I had been, and recently I've shut everyone out again and I don't know why. I don't have a reason for why I'm being a terrible friend, or to why I just can't accept peoples love and acceptance. I've spent alot of my life telling people in many ways that it is perfectly okay to talk to people, whilst I'm living my life surrounded by walls I keep rebuilding when someone cracks them.

I use alot of coping mechanisms to deal with my emotions sometimes, and I just end up hurting myself more when I see myself hurting those around me that I love. I can't keep fucking up, feel sorry for myself and let others see me be self destructive and mope around.

I'm trying to be better. It's time I actually try to be and the first step of that is to let people in.

Overdrive

It's alot easier to write about how you're feeling when you are feeling so many things that it feels like you're about to burst.

It feels like this last 9 days I've been living in overdrive. Where every little activity has felt like it took so much energy and caused so much anxiety, that simply just laying in bed almost felt impossible.

I'm back to struggling to eat anything, I'm back to spending most of the day in bed and nearly backing out of plans because the thought of existing sends me into a panic that I struggle to calm myself from. Any little thing has set me off, especially in the last few days. Simply today texting some of my friends led me to start sobbing, and I don't really know why. Yesterday I barely managed to eat, I turned off my phone and hibernated away because everything about existing felt like it was too unbearable.

I've spent the last few days trying to pinpoint a reason that every little thing is leading to crippling anxiety, and I'm struggling to find anything. I'm struggling to find a reason for waking up every hour in the night panicking. I'm struggling to find a reason that I'm struggling to function like a slightly okay human being.

I'm falling back into bad habits, and even though I know it's making me feel worse, in my current headspace I can't think of any other way of coping. 

Everytime I start thinking everything is heading up, it seems to just plummet back down again. And whilst now it's easier to manage, everything feels at the point where it isn't getting any better, so why on earth would it? It can be so hard to remain optimistic when every time you feel like things are finally heading forward, you find yourself then going straight back.

I would be lying if I said I am not currently sat balling my eyes out whilst writing this. For no other reason that I just want to stop struggling, and I just want to be able to function again. I'm in a state of anxiety, misery and overwhelming emotions, and I don't really know what to do.

The Box Of Pineapple and Something Slugs Do

"The box of pineapple arrived on Christmas Eve"

I find myself not being able to deal with anxiety. Everything is completely overwhelming, just laying in bed with the lights off is currently too much to deal with. I find myself not knowing what to do, there is only so much of letting something consume you that you can mentally manage. I find myself crying, not being able to stop the tears and not even knowing why they are happening.  The last 48 hours have been me, on hyperanxious all the time. I've had some of the worst panic attacks I've had in a long time and I just feel like I want to scream.

I just want to get things out. I just want to type. I just want to do anything I physically can to distract myself from the growing feeling in my chest that feels like it is about ready to explode. 

"We need more words like toothbrush"

I find myself pulling all the books I own off the shelf, opening them onto random pages to try and find the weirdest sentences I physically can. I write them up, I laugh abit then throw them in the pile. I spent half an hour at least doing this, and get a lovely little book pile. 

"You know what they say about playing with your sausage too much"

I find it strange that such random quotes can be embedded in books. I find it sort of comforting that a book about suicide and a psychiatric hosptial contains multiple innuendos about dicks. I find it comforting that a book about a girls probably drunk driving suicide can so happily talk about strippers. I find it comforting that books around such upsetting topics can also bring so much laughter too, just as the way that even though life can be painful and sad, that it can bring joy too. 

I find it interesting that these books, by different authors about different things can all contain such interesting sentences. How does someone even think about the collaboration of boxes of pineapples and Christmas Eve? How do you type your way to the need of words?

"It's not a question of poetry, but of facts!"

This activity was almost fitting to how I was feeling. When I get anxious, I'll say the most random shit that I can think of, and it will be amongst all the serious, the sad and the drama. I am the book, my expression of anxiety is often these quotes, and yes, this is the worst metaphor you may ever read.  

"There is not technically a rule against paying a stripper to dance in front of the school"

My days are often fuelled by anxiety. Anxiety will tell me what I can and can't do. I am almost living in fear that the idea of doing something is too scary that I won't bother to even leave the house. I am constantly telling myself I can't do something, so when it comes to doing it I have to cancel because the idea of it is too overwhelming.

I am a relatively extraverted person. I always have been more outgoing, louder, more over-the-top than alot of people I know. Where I can be shy, when I'm in my comfort zone there is almost no stopping me, I'll be happy, speaking with my body movements, absolutely in my element talking to people and doing things. In many ways, socialising and being loud are the things that energise me, whilst also being the things that cause panic and fear. It is becoming progressively harder to cope with the need to be social but the panic at doing so. 

I'm kinda just sat here letting everything I physically can out. I feel like I'm writing this more to tell myself these things and to help myself than I am, instead of trying to write a coherent piece of writing that might help someone else. But I need this, I need to get everything out and this is the place I love to do it. I can usually divert all that energy into something to find myself helpful, but right now I'm typing with very little clue as to what I'm doing. 

Sometimes anxiety just wins, today is another one of those days. 

"How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do?"