Rock Bottom

You know when you've hit rock bottom.

For my friend it was when she called me at 3am because she just found out some awful family news and couldn't get home to be with them. For a classmate it was when she received a failed mark back from an essay she worked ridiculously hard on for weeks.

For me, it was when I was sat thinking of ways that it could get any worse and struggling to find any reasons because everything bad that I could think of happening to me had already happened. It was when I was messaging my friend at 6pm because I felt really panicky but didn't have the courage to tell any of the 8 of my friends surrounding me that I felt this way. It was when I drunkenly cried for hours in my room and relapsed for the first time in months because I felt so defeated that I felt like I couldn't do anything but. It was when my parents saw in my eyes for the first time that I wasn't looking happy and they then proceeded to spend the next few weeks worrying about me like crazy because I was at university and they thought something was seriously wrong.

I knew I'd hit rock bottom because there was no further way down. The depression was an abyss and I was sat at the bottom, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I could ever get myself out. I was stuck in what I thought was a never ending pit that turned out to actually have a bottom. And rock bottom isn't a great place to be. It's missing 3/5 of your weekly lectures because you are physically unable to get out of bed. It's missing out on social events because you need to be in your room and alone because you can't deal with the thought of seeing anyone. It's eating nothing or eating twice your daily needs.

It's dark. Cold. Numb. Emotional. Painful. Tiring. Lonely.

It's an array of feelings you feel normally anyway, just amplified to a deafening tune that you cannot rid of no matter your attempts.

But it's also a journey.

As you sit at rock bottom thinking that there is only one way out, you come to realise that you've come to this and you're still alive, so there must be a way out.

It's full of learning. Trial and error. Failure. Success. You learn things about yourself that you wouldn't have ever learnt unless you were currently sat at rock bottom wishing that you could fly back to the light.

Once you realise that there is a way out, you learn. You try one thing and fail, but it fuels you even more to get back to the top.

You make your first step above rock bottom.

The darkness still consumes you but now you have the ability to be fuelled by the thoughts of successfully climbing even a quarter of the way to the top because any distance is better than sitting at the bottom.

You continue to try.

You let out your emotions, you reach out for help. You realise that even though someone can't fall down to rock bottom to physically help you out, they can shout down advice and help to guide you to the beginning of a recovery.

You fall back down but this time you stand straight back up because you were this low before and you know now what to do to reach the top again. You aren't alone this time. Someone is there to lend a hand and you have the belief in yourself that you can do it. You know it's possible.

You climb higher.

Everyone climbs at different rates from when they reach rock bottom. It could take hours, days, months or years for different people but sooner or later the aid you need to climb will be there. Whether that's guidance, medication, CBT, a smile, any climbing aid will help you climb back up.

I climbed that much higher that I was okay with leaving the house again. I was okay with feeling anxious in public because I realised that I needed to feel this if I wanted recovery. I realised if I wanted recovery I had to talk to someone because it's so much easier to recover when you have someone there to encourage you that it'll be okay.

And yes, I fell.

I slipped up completely not long ago and found myself at the bottom again with worries that this time, I really won't be able to climb back up.

But it's a learning curve.

When you're at rock bottom you learn so much more about yourself and about life than when you're sat at the top looking down and thinking about how bad it would be to fall in.

When you're at the bottom you know it can't get darker, and that makes you stronger, somewhat happier and kits you up with the tools you need when you feel any sort of pain in your life. You don't fear the moment you might fall again if you're at the bottom.

And when you accept that you will be able to climb back up, it makes it easier. It makes any pain that bit easier to deal with. It makes you absolutely elated when you make that step up because it's progress you never thought you'd be able to make. Every fall and every climb progresses your ability to be able to cope with rock bottom.

It's all a journey. You realise that yes, everything may have been bad yesterday but you survived that storm, so you realise you can survive this one too.

Rock bottom isn't a nice place to be. But once you're there and accept that you need to start climbing back up, it can be one of the most rewarding battles you'll ever face.

Because when you reach your goal, whether that be a few steps up or back to the top, it'll be the best feeling in the world.

Rock bottom isn't the end.

It's only the beginning.

To Better Days

Here's to the better days.

The days where waking up isn't a chore. The days where happiness is genuine. The days where you can go out in public without the fear of everyone judging you. The days where you don't worry about your weight. The days you feel like you're living instead of counting the days until you die.

To be free of the days the days that will replace the mental illness. To the days free from struggles. To the days where you don't feel worthy of recovery. To the days where you don't overthink your happiness away. To the days where you aren't battling with your mind to do things you'll regret doing. To the days where you lose all hope. To the days where you don't let your illness conquer you.

To be free.

To the better days.

To the days of smiling and laughing until tears are falling from your eyes like raindrops fall from the sky.

To the days where nothing anyone says matters because you aren't concerned about what others think of you.

To the days where time means nothing because you're having so much fun that it feels like it will never end.

To the days where you're living instead of surviving.

You never know whats round the corner.

You never know if tomorrows the day you get a promotion, you fall in love. You never know if tomorrows the day you will finally and slowly start to feel better about yourself. You never know if tomorrows the day that you ace that assignment, if tomorrows the day you finally figure out what you want to do with your life. If tomorrows the day you get over the heartbreak. If tomorrows the day you make up with someone you lost, if tomorrows the day you have the confidence to reach out for help.

To better days.

To the days where you are happy to be alive.

To the days where you look back on the thoughts you are having right now and are proud of yourself for getting past all that hardship because it allowed you to see the beauty of a today.

Because these days will come. The day will come where the rain gradually turns into sunshine and you realise that the storm actually does end. The day will come where you finally go to the doctor, you finally open up to someone and get the weight of the world off your shoulders. The day where you can finally breathe after suffocating in silence for so long.

Even if those better days aren't right now. Even if those better days are only a glimpse and even if the road to better days is bumpy and full of relapse that makes you feel like you're getting back to stage one. Even if the road to better days is taking years and years so your progress is masked by the length of the suffering.

Some progress is better than none.


Your present isn't your future. Better days are ahead.


Everyday is a chance at a new. The sun will rise and we will try again.

Better days are on the horizon.

Please, be around to see them.

Cycle

Cycle


Anxiety is a cycle.

I know that especially recently, my anxiety has been especially bad. I know that in public i've been clasping my phone that bit tighter, i've been trying to block out everyone around me that bit harder, i've been more concious with my actions to avoid embarrassment.

I know that.

I know that like I knew this wasn't normal. I know that like I know I really should go to a doctor to get the help I need to fix all of this.

But that's the whole problem isn't it?

If my anxiety is getting higher and higher, my will to call a doctor is getting lower and lower.

If i can't cope with doing anything new that bit more, if I can't go to a new room at uni without leaving 30 minutes before I need to be there because I'm worried about being late, if I'm ignoring great opportunities because I'm anxious of meeting new people, if I'm that bit more anxious about even walking in public or moving around people, then how will I be able to do anything?

Everytime i make a phone call, my heart rate accelerates and I feel the pounding in my chest. My breathing increases, my head hurts, I start to shake, I'll mess up my words. I'll put the phone down midway through it ringing at least 4 times until I will hold on until the person answers the phone.

If I cannot make a phone call to a friend without having a mini panic attack, how can I call that doctor?

I once nearly didn't go to a doctors appointment about an injection that my mum booked for me, because neither of my parents could come with me.

I lost money from my car insurance cashback because i couldn't physically make a phone call.

I once went into work when I was too ill to even get out of bed because I couldn't deal with the anxiety I had from the thought of phoning in.

Do you see where this is going??

The longer I put off calling the doctor, the worse the anxiety gets.

The worse the anxiety gets, the longer I put off calling the doctor.

It's a cycle.

It's a vicious cycle that I found myself a part of and theres nothing I can do to stop myself from falling deeper into a pit of sadness and anxiety because my anxiety and sadness mean I can't do anything about it.

Its a cycle.

It's a cycle thats hard to be free of.

I wish one day that I can be.

Dear 2017

Dear 2017.

I have high hopes for you, 2017.

No, these hopes aren't based around the events of last year because frankly the only thing that you two share is the fact that I am living you both.

I tell myself every year that "this will be the best year yet" and 9 times out of 10 find myself highly disappointed about that year, that chapter of my life.

But 2017, this is the first year I am not full of false hope.

This is the first year that I'm optimistic that it will be a fantastic year.

And let me tell you why, 2017.

The last few years (especially last year) have been very hard for me.

My mental health reached an all time low in these last few years. Many times in these few years, I thought it had won. I wanted out. Part of me still does.

But I am alive. I survived.


I have had to go through grief (and did a poor job of it) in this last year.

But I survived.

I've spent the last few years confused about my sexuality and been very very upset and worried about who I am.

But I survived.

I survived.



2017, in these last few years, i've done nothing more than survive. And this year, i believe with all my heart that you will be the year that I feel alive.

I for one, hate the idea of waiting to a new year to make the changes that could be made whenever. But for this, 2017, I felt it was best to wait for you because I can use 2017 as a new chapter of my life.

The chapter of happiness.

I believe I am finally in a place for recovery.

I understand so much more about both
mental health in general and my own mental health than I did in these last few years. I know my triggers, I know how to control them. I know how best to calm myself when I feel anxious, how best to make a depression storm past.

I am surrounded by people who can help me. I cannot do this alone and I now am surrounded by so many people who I can trust and open up to. I have people I can go to when I need someone to talk to, rant to, to cheer me up, to talk me out of relapse.

I have made sure I've cut out toxic people. I've made sure I'm not surrounded by those who make me feel worse about myself. Those who caused my depression and self harming to get worse. Those who do not love me.

I am more confident. I am more willing to reach out for help. I have come to terms with my sexuality.

I'm ready 2017.

I ready to finally free myself of the sadness that has controlled me for so long. I am mentally prepared for relapse. I am ready to defeat anything that stands in my way to start beating my mental illness. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I am ready to finally show the person I am instead of the mask I wear everyday

Because its time to turn my life around.

And it will be with your help 2017.

This chapter will be the best one yet. Thank you.

Yours Truly,

Emily x

Storms Don't Last Forever

When the rain hits your face, the thunder claps louder with each strike and when the wind howls in the night, you want it all to end.

When you are sat in a storm, you want it to end. You want the rain to turn into sunshine, the hurricanes to reverse and fix all thats broken and the thunder to turn into rainbows.

When you're sat in a storm, you pray to yourself that it won't come back.

You hope and you pray that the rain turns into drizzle so it won't flood your home and you hope the lightning goes away so you aren't shocked from the sky. You hope everything goes okay and nothing hurts you, because the least you deserve is to be protected in a storm.

In the worst of storms you shut yourself away, because thats all you know. You shut yourself away to attempt to shield yourself from the dangers in the world because you want to protect yourself. Prevent risk. Prevent pain.

In a lesser storm you'll walk around with an umbrella and warmer, waterproof clothing to counteract the weather. You'll ignore the darkening clouds and hope they go away and don't affect you.

In the cloudless, blue skies it's all okay.


Your mind is a storm.

When everything is okay, your cloudless. The birds are chirping, the sun will be shining. You'll smile, wave, look forward to a new day. You'll be happy. You'll feel okay. You'll forget the times there was a storm because there isn't a point in focusing on the past when in the present you feel so happy.

When the rain starts to drizzle, you try to ignore it. You hope for clearer skies, for better days, knowing they happen and that they aren't hopefully far away. Sometimes the drizzle and grey clouds will pass and your mind is cloudless again. You can breathe. It's okay.

Other times, the darkness rolls in. You feel a weight on your shoulders as you walk under the greying sky. You feel the drizzle turn into rain and see everyone running away inside, when you can't do anything but carry on walking in the rain. You see everyone leaving even though you can't escape.

Then the thunder. The lightning. The hurricane. The tidal wave.

Then the overwhelming feelings hit you all at once like a lightening storm. You feel weak, you feel helpless. You feel as though you've been struck by lightening hundreds of times but no one will notice because everyone else is inside, protected. You feel as though your mind is a hurricane. All your irrational thoughts whirlwind in your mind, the feeling that you are worthless, unloved, don't deserve happiness, the feelings of unwantedness and the feeling of worry. They all battle with each other, but eventually turn into one large hurricane. Then the tidal wave. Then you're suddenly drowning where everyone else around you is watching you. Everyone around you is breathing and calm and okay when you feel like your lungs are about to collapse and feel like everything is going to end.

You forget a time without a storm. You think your entire life is a storm that will never end. You forget all the happy times, the sun shining and the cloudless sky. This is you. Happiness doesn't exist. You want it all to end. You want to end the storm by ending your life because you believe that it's the only way you'll be able to breathe.

Breathe.

The water slowly drains. The rain slowly stops. The lightning becomes further apart. The hurricane shrinks.

You can breathe.

The sky turns from grey to blue. The sun shines once again and everyone comes out. Or someone helps you in.

The storm passed and you made it out alive because even though at one point you couldn't breathe or see an end, all storms end.

You don't always have to live in cloudless skies.

The storm will pass.

You will be okay.

University and Mental Health

University is a stressful, exciting, fantastic, toxic environment to put yourself into. It's a combination of new things, constant change, work overload, late nights, petty arguments, panic, wonderful adventures and occasions where you laugh until you can't breathe. But it's an environment that will at some point manage to break even the strongest person.

University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.

Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.

But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.

There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.

At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.

Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.

The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.

I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?

It's different however, let me reassure you.

Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.

Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.

It's really fucking hard.

It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.

Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.

Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.

And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.

Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.

And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.

Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.

And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.

Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.



Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.



Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.

There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.

Talk.

Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.


Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.

Grief

I found this post very hard to write. After many drafts and many hours thinking about what to say, I found myself deleting and redrafting my word because nothing I can say would come close to summing up how I feel.

It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.

It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness,  sadness and emptiness I would feel.

Grief.

The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.

Grief.

I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.

Grief.

I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.

Grief.

The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.

Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.

But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.

And grief can really fuck up your emotions.

Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.

Grief never goes away.

Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.

Grief.

It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.

And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.

The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.

And it's hard.

And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.

I love you.

Sleep tight.