Dear 2017.
I have high hopes for you, 2017.
No, these hopes aren't based around the events of last year because frankly the only thing that you two share is the fact that I am living you both.
I tell myself every year that "this will be the best year yet" and 9 times out of 10 find myself highly disappointed about that year, that chapter of my life.
But 2017, this is the first year I am not full of false hope.
This is the first year that I'm optimistic that it will be a fantastic year.
And let me tell you why, 2017.
The last few years (especially last year) have been very hard for me.
My mental health reached an all time low in these last few years. Many times in these few years, I thought it had won. I wanted out. Part of me still does.
But I am alive. I survived.
I have had to go through grief (and did a poor job of it) in this last year.
But I survived.
I've spent the last few years confused about my sexuality and been very very upset and worried about who I am.
But I survived.
I survived.
2017, in these last few years, i've done nothing more than survive. And this year, i believe with all my heart that you will be the year that I feel alive.
I for one, hate the idea of waiting to a new year to make the changes that could be made whenever. But for this, 2017, I felt it was best to wait for you because I can use 2017 as a new chapter of my life.
The chapter of happiness.
I believe I am finally in a place for recovery.
I understand so much more about both
mental health in general and my own mental health than I did in these last few years. I know my triggers, I know how to control them. I know how best to calm myself when I feel anxious, how best to make a depression storm past.
I am surrounded by people who can help me. I cannot do this alone and I now am surrounded by so many people who I can trust and open up to. I have people I can go to when I need someone to talk to, rant to, to cheer me up, to talk me out of relapse.
I have made sure I've cut out toxic people. I've made sure I'm not surrounded by those who make me feel worse about myself. Those who caused my depression and self harming to get worse. Those who do not love me.
I am more confident. I am more willing to reach out for help. I have come to terms with my sexuality.
I'm ready 2017.
I ready to finally free myself of the sadness that has controlled me for so long. I am mentally prepared for relapse. I am ready to defeat anything that stands in my way to start beating my mental illness. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I am ready to finally show the person I am instead of the mask I wear everyday
Because its time to turn my life around.
And it will be with your help 2017.
This chapter will be the best one yet. Thank you.
Yours Truly,
Emily x
Sunday, 1 January 2017
Monday, 26 December 2016
Storms Don't Last Forever
When the rain hits your face, the thunder claps louder with each strike and when the wind howls in the night, you want it all to end.
When you are sat in a storm, you want it to end. You want the rain to turn into sunshine, the hurricanes to reverse and fix all thats broken and the thunder to turn into rainbows.
When you're sat in a storm, you pray to yourself that it won't come back.
You hope and you pray that the rain turns into drizzle so it won't flood your home and you hope the lightning goes away so you aren't shocked from the sky. You hope everything goes okay and nothing hurts you, because the least you deserve is to be protected in a storm.
In the worst of storms you shut yourself away, because thats all you know. You shut yourself away to attempt to shield yourself from the dangers in the world because you want to protect yourself. Prevent risk. Prevent pain.
In a lesser storm you'll walk around with an umbrella and warmer, waterproof clothing to counteract the weather. You'll ignore the darkening clouds and hope they go away and don't affect you.
In the cloudless, blue skies it's all okay.
Your mind is a storm.
When everything is okay, your cloudless. The birds are chirping, the sun will be shining. You'll smile, wave, look forward to a new day. You'll be happy. You'll feel okay. You'll forget the times there was a storm because there isn't a point in focusing on the past when in the present you feel so happy.
When the rain starts to drizzle, you try to ignore it. You hope for clearer skies, for better days, knowing they happen and that they aren't hopefully far away. Sometimes the drizzle and grey clouds will pass and your mind is cloudless again. You can breathe. It's okay.
Other times, the darkness rolls in. You feel a weight on your shoulders as you walk under the greying sky. You feel the drizzle turn into rain and see everyone running away inside, when you can't do anything but carry on walking in the rain. You see everyone leaving even though you can't escape.
Then the thunder. The lightning. The hurricane. The tidal wave.
Then the overwhelming feelings hit you all at once like a lightening storm. You feel weak, you feel helpless. You feel as though you've been struck by lightening hundreds of times but no one will notice because everyone else is inside, protected. You feel as though your mind is a hurricane. All your irrational thoughts whirlwind in your mind, the feeling that you are worthless, unloved, don't deserve happiness, the feelings of unwantedness and the feeling of worry. They all battle with each other, but eventually turn into one large hurricane. Then the tidal wave. Then you're suddenly drowning where everyone else around you is watching you. Everyone around you is breathing and calm and okay when you feel like your lungs are about to collapse and feel like everything is going to end.
You forget a time without a storm. You think your entire life is a storm that will never end. You forget all the happy times, the sun shining and the cloudless sky. This is you. Happiness doesn't exist. You want it all to end. You want to end the storm by ending your life because you believe that it's the only way you'll be able to breathe.
Breathe.
The water slowly drains. The rain slowly stops. The lightning becomes further apart. The hurricane shrinks.
You can breathe.
The sky turns from grey to blue. The sun shines once again and everyone comes out. Or someone helps you in.
The storm passed and you made it out alive because even though at one point you couldn't breathe or see an end, all storms end.
You don't always have to live in cloudless skies.
The storm will pass.
You will be okay.
When you are sat in a storm, you want it to end. You want the rain to turn into sunshine, the hurricanes to reverse and fix all thats broken and the thunder to turn into rainbows.
When you're sat in a storm, you pray to yourself that it won't come back.
You hope and you pray that the rain turns into drizzle so it won't flood your home and you hope the lightning goes away so you aren't shocked from the sky. You hope everything goes okay and nothing hurts you, because the least you deserve is to be protected in a storm.
In the worst of storms you shut yourself away, because thats all you know. You shut yourself away to attempt to shield yourself from the dangers in the world because you want to protect yourself. Prevent risk. Prevent pain.
In a lesser storm you'll walk around with an umbrella and warmer, waterproof clothing to counteract the weather. You'll ignore the darkening clouds and hope they go away and don't affect you.
In the cloudless, blue skies it's all okay.
Your mind is a storm.
When everything is okay, your cloudless. The birds are chirping, the sun will be shining. You'll smile, wave, look forward to a new day. You'll be happy. You'll feel okay. You'll forget the times there was a storm because there isn't a point in focusing on the past when in the present you feel so happy.
When the rain starts to drizzle, you try to ignore it. You hope for clearer skies, for better days, knowing they happen and that they aren't hopefully far away. Sometimes the drizzle and grey clouds will pass and your mind is cloudless again. You can breathe. It's okay.
Other times, the darkness rolls in. You feel a weight on your shoulders as you walk under the greying sky. You feel the drizzle turn into rain and see everyone running away inside, when you can't do anything but carry on walking in the rain. You see everyone leaving even though you can't escape.
Then the thunder. The lightning. The hurricane. The tidal wave.
Then the overwhelming feelings hit you all at once like a lightening storm. You feel weak, you feel helpless. You feel as though you've been struck by lightening hundreds of times but no one will notice because everyone else is inside, protected. You feel as though your mind is a hurricane. All your irrational thoughts whirlwind in your mind, the feeling that you are worthless, unloved, don't deserve happiness, the feelings of unwantedness and the feeling of worry. They all battle with each other, but eventually turn into one large hurricane. Then the tidal wave. Then you're suddenly drowning where everyone else around you is watching you. Everyone around you is breathing and calm and okay when you feel like your lungs are about to collapse and feel like everything is going to end.
You forget a time without a storm. You think your entire life is a storm that will never end. You forget all the happy times, the sun shining and the cloudless sky. This is you. Happiness doesn't exist. You want it all to end. You want to end the storm by ending your life because you believe that it's the only way you'll be able to breathe.
Breathe.
The water slowly drains. The rain slowly stops. The lightning becomes further apart. The hurricane shrinks.
You can breathe.
The sky turns from grey to blue. The sun shines once again and everyone comes out. Or someone helps you in.
The storm passed and you made it out alive because even though at one point you couldn't breathe or see an end, all storms end.
You don't always have to live in cloudless skies.
The storm will pass.
You will be okay.
Friday, 9 December 2016
University and Mental Health
University is a stressful, exciting, fantastic, toxic environment to put yourself into. It's a combination of new things, constant change, work overload, late nights, petty arguments, panic, wonderful adventures and occasions where you laugh until you can't breathe. But it's an environment that will at some point manage to break even the strongest person.
University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.
Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.
But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.
There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.
At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.
Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.
The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.
I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?
It's different however, let me reassure you.
Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.
Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.
It's really fucking hard.
It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.
Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.
Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.
And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.
Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.
And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.
Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.
And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.
Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.
Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.
Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.
There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.
Talk.
Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.
Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.
University is hard enough, but going through it with any mental health issue is another thing.
Recently I've been being so much more open about my mental health. I've been (some of the time) actually talking to my friends when I'm struggling instead of sitting alone in my room and panicking until i can't physically breathe or crying until I have no tears left. I've told the people I'm close with (who I've known for probably 3 months now) about the battle I'd been facing in terms of mental health throughout my life, where it took me 6 years to tell my closest friends that something wasn't entirely okay.
But even so, university is one of the hardest things to do when you suffer from any mental health illness.
There are so many triggers in the environment of university. If I were to list the amount of possible things that can cause any symptoms to get worse then I'd probably be typing all night. It's known as it is that students are at a larger risk of experiencing a mental health problem at university, due to the stress, anxiety, panic and overwhelming nature that you experience. The rates of students committing suicide is increasing every year. More students are committing suicide because of debt.
At least one in four students have at least one diagnosable mental illness, with one in three experiencing prolonged symptoms of depression. And half of students have reported their mental health state being poor.
Yes, counselling services at (some) universities are excellent. But that's because they have to be because the amount of stress that students face throughout their time, that at one time at university everyone will feel like they can't cope anymore. Whether it be the amount of assignments, their flatmates and friends, missing their family or worrying about the future, there is something that will be a cause of concern for students.
The main issue with this however, is the fact that many people still don't know the difference between mental health and everyday emotions.
I myself, have depression and anxiety. Being told that these are only slight nerves or just having a bad day just constantly makes you feel pathetic and worthless. If it's only nerves or abit of unhappiness, why do I let it control my life?
It's different however, let me reassure you.
Depression is not being able to get out of bed or fall asleep because you are too numb, sad and tired of feeling numb and sad and tired all the time. It's not having the physical ability to do anything you need to, let alone look after yourself. It's feeling like breaking down constantly and feeling upset constantly without it any getting any better, only worse.
Anxiety isn't about being worried. It's repeating sentences in your head before saying them because you don't want people to judge you if you get it wrong. It's not wanting to sit in lectures alone because you're worried about being judged. It's hiding in your room whilst your flatmate cooks because you don't want to be around people.
It's really fucking hard.
It's a really horrible environment to be in when you aren't yourself. The amount of times I've genuinely considered dropping out in my first term already is genuinely ridiculous and worrying. The amount of times I felt like running away or doing something really stupid worries me. The amount of breakdowns, panic attacks, anger spouts and mood swings I've had in the last three months worry me.
Coming to university is one of the best choices I made but also one of the worst.
Within the first two weeks of university, I had already relapsed and thought about suicide.
And even though since then it's been getting easier, it doesn't make it any better.
Yes, as I said, the services provided at university are there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel really isolated and alone. It doesn't mean you feel like your life isn't bad enough to be suffering with mental health. It doesn't make you hate yourself everyday.
And once one thing goes wrong, everything seems to follow suit.
Once one thing goes wrong, it's hard to stop you completely spiralling and finding yourself back in a mental place you thought you would never experience again.
And before I could try and overcome the feelings myself, I was already through a bottle of wine.
Drinking at university for some, including myself at times, becomes a way of release because you are so overwhelmed by everything that you just want to drink the sorrows away. Alcohol and drugs are everywhere, so many people see them as a release for any pent up sadness and anger, when really the use of them just makes the problem even worse.
Is it really a surprise then, that student life and mental health intertwine like a perfect couple.
Subjected to stress, alcohol, change, anger, debt and deadline after deadline.
There is only one thing you should do when you feel like you're struggling.
Talk.
Talk to anyone, get it all out and seek the help you deserve.
Because university is hard at the best of times, don't let a mental health issue make it even harder for yourself.
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
Grief
I found this post very hard to write. After many drafts and many hours thinking about what to say, I found myself deleting and redrafting my word because nothing I can say would come close to summing up how I feel.
It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.
It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness, sadness and emptiness I would feel.
Grief.
The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.
Grief.
I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.
Grief.
I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.
Grief.
The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.
Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.
But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.
And grief can really fuck up your emotions.
Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.
Grief never goes away.
Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.
Grief.
It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.
And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.
The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.
And it's hard.
And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.
I love you.
Sleep tight.
It is a feeling that up until very recently I never had to feel, and although for that I am grateful, it meant I never really new what was normal to feel and how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind.
It is a feeling that unfortunately I knew I would have to deal with eventually and I knew would be far from easy, but no words and no amount of preparation could take away the feeling of loss, numbness, sadness and emptiness I would feel.
Grief.
The loss of someone you love and care about is a concept that my mind couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the news that you had suddenly passed away as I was standing on the phone with my mum crying on the other side of the line. I couldn't comprehend the news as I felt like collapsing to the floor because of the overwhelming emotion that I'd never felt before whilst being asked loads of questions that I couldn't find an answer to.
Grief.
I couldn't comprehend the news as I woke up the next morning and all I felt was numbness and sadness as I tried to continue my everyday life with a smile on my face, when in reality all I wanted to o was cry my eyes out and scream until I physically couldn't anymore.
Grief.
I couldn't bare to see my family in the state they were then and are now. I couldn't bare to see my mum cry or hear my parents talking about writing wills because they were so scared that you had gone and that they were already discussing how to make our lives easier when the dreaded day came that one of them leaves us.
Grief.
The hardest part by far though was when it finally sunk in that I would never hear your voice again or see the guy that I looked up to my whole life again and there was nothing I could do about it. I would never see the person that brought me to my love of so many things and the person who I love unconditionally and the person who in many ways made me the person I am today. I would never be able to mock you when your favourite football team lost again and I could never play the games we both loved to play anymore and there was nothing I could do about it.
Grief is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
With every other emotion and situation you go through there are some resolutions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, fear and all those surrounding emotions usually go away and can be replaced with a better, more positive feeling at some point.
But with grief there is no possible way of getting that person back. Grief is different because no matter what you do it will always be there and will always be painful even if you try to mask it with another emotion.
And grief can really fuck up your emotions.
Grief leads to bouts of anxiety, bouts of fear and bouts of delusion from all the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to do anything because you're so numb from the pain and theres nothing you can do about it.
Grief never goes away.
Grief is there hounding you when you're alone with your thoughts and grief won't leave your mind when any word associated with the person you lost comes up in any conversation or anything written or anything in public.
Grief.
It's something I never thought I'd deal with so soon and I never thought it would be you.
And the worst part of the suddenness is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell you that I love you one more time and that you were one of the best people I knew and will ever know even if you weren't always on my mind.
The last thing I told you was that I'd see you later, not knowing that I'd never see you again.
And it's hard.
And all I can do is try and move on and live my life as normally as I can without you in it, even though I will spend every day of my life missing you with all my heart, soul and body.
I love you.
Sleep tight.
Monday, 24 October 2016
Why I Pretend I'm Happy (And Why You Shouldn't)
True happiness isn't an always an option.
I know when I wake up that the chances are I will have a shitty day which will then lead to some sort of mood crash, panic attack or breakdown.
All whilst I wear a smile.
Because even though happiness isn't an option, anything but is an inconvenience.
So i just pretend.
I pretend that my mental health is in one piece. I pretend that I have no family problems at home. I pretend that I didn't have a rough night and thats why I'm so tired.
I pretend I'm okay, because it's how I have been told I need to be.
Because when I say anything different no one cares about me.
When I tell you I'm feeling really depressed, you tell me I'm lying and nothings wrong.
But when I tell you I feel happy you believe me and are happy too.
Why do you believe my happiness but not my sadness?
We live in a society where happiness is easier for a person to deal with. We are a race who are so selfish that we don't care when a person feels like ending their life, but we are overjoyed when a person is in a good mood.
So it's easier to wear a mask.
I pretend I'm happy to make your life easier.
I lie to you.
When I tell you I'm doing okay I'm really sat in my bathroom crying my eyes out because I can't deal with the thought of being alive.
When I tell you I'm feeling well, I'm really sat in bed unable to get up because I physically cannot face the day ahead of me.
I lie to you.
I'll put your happiness above mine because I believe that you have a chance in life to make this world a better place and I put your happiness above mine because your smile is as warm as the sun on a hot summers day.
I'll fake a smile because its honestly easier that way.
I'll fake a smile when you insult me "as a joke" then wonder why I've suddenly gone very quiet and reserved.
I'll fake a smile when I feel like I can't breathe in a public place because its so much easier to lie and be fine than it is to open up and ask for help.
It's easier to pretend you're happy, but it fucks you up in the long term.
It gets to the point where pretending to be happy is second nature and that everyone things that everything is so okay that you saying any different would be an attention seeking lie.
And it'd be easier to fake a smile than to tell you for the last 7/8 years of my life I'd been lying to you, and the person you know isn't the person I am.
Easier doesn't mean the best.
Years of pretending turns into a truth where you put everyones problems no matter how small above the demons tormenting you from the inside that are slowly but surely driving you to madness or something more extreme.
True happiness isn't always an option.
But when it isn't, fake happiness shouldn't be an option either.
I may pretend to be happy, but you really shouldn't.
Monday, 10 October 2016
Lets Get it Out There, Lets Normalize Mental Health
We need to talk about mental health like we talk about our physical health, whatever it takes.
So lets get it out there.
For many, many years of my life, I've been living with depression and anxiety and for the majority of these years it's been a case of me not even realising that the feelings I had weren't normal. I've been at a place in my life on multiple occasions where I've thought that ending my life would be the easiest way out. I've self harmed, stayed clean for long periods of time and relapsed again. I've had panic attacks to the point I couldn't physically breathe at 1am in the morning and I've had mood swings so strong that I've been told I have anger issues or I feel like I've shut down and all thats left is a numb ache.
And now, I'm trying to normalise it.
I'm starting to use the actual reasons that I can't go out with people or the reason I suddenly had to leave my friends with little warning. I would tell people that I was suddenly feeling really anxious instead of saying that I had a headache or felt sick. I will tell people that I'm tired because of really shitty insomnia instead of being tired because I "went to bed late."
The best part is that now the majority of people would understand and go out of their way to make sure I'm feeling okay. The majority of people would constantly ask if I'm feeling okay, after they know something may have triggered me or something has happened and my mood had completely changed.
If 5 years ago I told someone that I couldn't go to school because I didn't have the will or energy to get out of bed, I'd have been told to get up and that there isn't anything wrong with me.
If 5 years ago I told a friend that I was feeling down, they would just tell me I'm being silly and I should just "be happy" like it was that easy.
If 5 years ago I told anyone I was suffering with depression or anxiety, they would tell me I was lying to them.
But now thats not the case.
So it's out there, but lets get it out some more.
Because one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. Nearly 9/100 people will experience mixed anxiety and depression, 3/100 will experience PTSD, 5/100 anxiety. And alone those numbers may not sound huge, but once you start adding all of the mental health statistics together it gets a whole lot more real.
And although these mental health problems can't be prevented, talking about it and promoting speaking out to end the stigma for mental health can make it a whole lot easier to recover and not let your illness control you with a little bit of help.
Don't wait. If something isn't right the go get the help you deserve and need.
Don't leave it until you're crying in your bathroom at 3am and debating overdosing to end the pain.
Don't leave it until you feel controlled by anxiety.
Don't leave it until its too late.
The longer you leave it the worse it gets.
The longer you leave it, the less you feel like you can speak out.
Sitting in silence is one of the biggest mistake you can make, because all it does it worsen your illness to the point it becomes a normality for you to cope and live with it. It's not normal and you shouldn't live your life battling a demon alone. It's not fucking normal.
Don't do what thousands and thousands of people, including myself, have done and stay in the dark so long that you think the only light may come in the thought of ending your life.
You are worth so much more, and you are stronger than you think you are.
You continue to sleep and breathe and live your life normally even though you're battling an enemy, which automatically makes you stronger than anything your mind tells you.
Everything will be okay.
So lets talk.
Lets not be shy to tell our friends and family that something isn't okay in your mind and you need some help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Call your doctor, talk to someone you trust, even if its just to help you in that moment in time to stop doing something you may regret. Tell people the things that may trigger you so they know what to watch out for, tell people how you may act when you're having an episode or a mood change.
Lets break the taboo and stigma once and for all, it's already half broken anyway.
And hopefully one day, we'll be living in a world that mental illness is viewed in the exact same way as a physical illness, because thats what it deserves.
#WMHD
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
Saturday, 10 September 2016
Please Stay Alive (WSPD 2016)
Once every 40 seconds, a person commits suicide.
Currently in England, female suicide rates are at their highest in 11 years.
Men are 3-4 times more likely to attempt suicide and succeed than women.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause in death for those aged between 15-24.
Suicide.
As with every mental health illness under the sun, the stigma associated with suicide is one of the main reasons that keep people suffering with these thoughts in a dark they think they can never escape.
For some pathetic reason, people think suicide is a sign of weakness and a cry for attention. When it is nothing, absolutely nothing like that. But these people don't understand what it's like to have thoughts of suicide and could never understand what it's like to feel so alone, unhappy, hated, unwanted and sad that suicide is a real option.
Being in a state of mind where you believe that committing suicide is your only option to rid your life of the unhappiness, the numbness and the pain that you feel on a daily basis, is a horrible state of mind to be in. No words I can say can describe the awfulness of the state or even come close to be able to justify it. The feeling of loneliness and the feeling that people would be happier if you stopped breathing, along with the feeling of numbness and nothing at all.
It's knowing that there are people in the world that would be broken by your suicide and still thinking about it even so because you are so sure that you have no other options to rid yourself of the pain.
And the knowledge that you would hurt all the people who love you makes you hate yourself even more because you believe you're the worst person in the entire world when all you want to do it stop all the pain, anger and sorrow thats building up and needs to burst.
It's something I would never wish on anyone, even if they were the person i hated most in the world. It's something that is so evil that it doesn't just take away any happiness, it takes away you're personality and anything you used to be. You're so busy trying to combat this evil that you lose yourself in the process and it's so hard to rebuild at the end.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you are not alone.
Yes, it's so fucking hard to talk and find the help that you need to combat these thoughts. These feelings that aren't normal or beautiful or anything but pure pure evil. No one will hate you for speaking out. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some help, everybody needs some sort of help sometimes.
You deserve to find the support you need to recover and to get the support you need to guide you to a place where everything feels okay again.
Find help. Find the support you need.
Don't be afraid.
You are not beyond help. You are not unfixable. You are a wonderful human being.
These feelings can be so overwhelming, I know.
I know what it feels like to close your eyes and hope you won't wake up the following morning. I know how it feels to feel like everything would be better off without you and to feel like the only way to stop the never-ending pain is to end your life. I know how it feels to be sat with thoughts of suicide alone in the dark with no one to ease the pain. I know how it feels to have given up. I know what it feels like to be sat with a handful of pills at 3 in the morning and talk yourself out of swallowing them and instead throwing them away.
You may feel like anyone you wish to confine in will hate you for these thoughts, be angry and refuse to help you, but they won't. They will be there with open arms, wanting to help a person they love get better.
That one step to recovery is the hardest, biggest and best step you will ever make.
The journey of recovery will be hard. It will take time and it will be full of ups and downs, but slowly yet surely, the negative thoughts of ending your life will fade away and you will start to feel a happiness again that you had been wanting and needing for a long time. You will in time kick mental health in the butt and win, being a better, stronger and happier person as a result.
You are strong. Beautiful. Amazing.
You are needed in this world.
And if you leave now, you will never experience your firsts, your spontaneous adventures, you will never create new amazing memories with those you love, you will never be able to experience lifes enjoyments and most importantly, you will never have the chance of ever getting better.
Suicide doesn't end the awful feelings, it just stops the chances of everything getting better.
"Stay alive, not just for today but for tomorrow too"
Because once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide, please don't let that be you.
//
If you are ever feeling suicidal or believe you are suffering from any form of mental illness, don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether this be today, tomorrow, in a years time or in 20 years time, always get the help you need.
For more information, for help or for instant help or support, follow these links:
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
Currently in England, female suicide rates are at their highest in 11 years.
Men are 3-4 times more likely to attempt suicide and succeed than women.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause in death for those aged between 15-24.
Suicide.
As with every mental health illness under the sun, the stigma associated with suicide is one of the main reasons that keep people suffering with these thoughts in a dark they think they can never escape.
For some pathetic reason, people think suicide is a sign of weakness and a cry for attention. When it is nothing, absolutely nothing like that. But these people don't understand what it's like to have thoughts of suicide and could never understand what it's like to feel so alone, unhappy, hated, unwanted and sad that suicide is a real option.
Being in a state of mind where you believe that committing suicide is your only option to rid your life of the unhappiness, the numbness and the pain that you feel on a daily basis, is a horrible state of mind to be in. No words I can say can describe the awfulness of the state or even come close to be able to justify it. The feeling of loneliness and the feeling that people would be happier if you stopped breathing, along with the feeling of numbness and nothing at all.
It's knowing that there are people in the world that would be broken by your suicide and still thinking about it even so because you are so sure that you have no other options to rid yourself of the pain.
And the knowledge that you would hurt all the people who love you makes you hate yourself even more because you believe you're the worst person in the entire world when all you want to do it stop all the pain, anger and sorrow thats building up and needs to burst.
It's something I would never wish on anyone, even if they were the person i hated most in the world. It's something that is so evil that it doesn't just take away any happiness, it takes away you're personality and anything you used to be. You're so busy trying to combat this evil that you lose yourself in the process and it's so hard to rebuild at the end.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you are not alone.
Yes, it's so fucking hard to talk and find the help that you need to combat these thoughts. These feelings that aren't normal or beautiful or anything but pure pure evil. No one will hate you for speaking out. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some help, everybody needs some sort of help sometimes.
You deserve to find the support you need to recover and to get the support you need to guide you to a place where everything feels okay again.
Find help. Find the support you need.
Don't be afraid.
You are not beyond help. You are not unfixable. You are a wonderful human being.
These feelings can be so overwhelming, I know.
I know what it feels like to close your eyes and hope you won't wake up the following morning. I know how it feels to feel like everything would be better off without you and to feel like the only way to stop the never-ending pain is to end your life. I know how it feels to be sat with thoughts of suicide alone in the dark with no one to ease the pain. I know how it feels to have given up. I know what it feels like to be sat with a handful of pills at 3 in the morning and talk yourself out of swallowing them and instead throwing them away.
You may feel like anyone you wish to confine in will hate you for these thoughts, be angry and refuse to help you, but they won't. They will be there with open arms, wanting to help a person they love get better.
That one step to recovery is the hardest, biggest and best step you will ever make.
The journey of recovery will be hard. It will take time and it will be full of ups and downs, but slowly yet surely, the negative thoughts of ending your life will fade away and you will start to feel a happiness again that you had been wanting and needing for a long time. You will in time kick mental health in the butt and win, being a better, stronger and happier person as a result.
You are strong. Beautiful. Amazing.
You are needed in this world.
And if you leave now, you will never experience your firsts, your spontaneous adventures, you will never create new amazing memories with those you love, you will never be able to experience lifes enjoyments and most importantly, you will never have the chance of ever getting better.
Suicide doesn't end the awful feelings, it just stops the chances of everything getting better.
"Stay alive, not just for today but for tomorrow too"
Because once every 40 seconds someone commits suicide, please don't let that be you.
//
If you are ever feeling suicidal or believe you are suffering from any form of mental illness, don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether this be today, tomorrow, in a years time or in 20 years time, always get the help you need.
For more information, for help or for instant help or support, follow these links:
SUPPORT HOTLINES :
(USA) http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(OUTSIDE THE USA): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
MORE INFORMATION:
NHS WEBSITE: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
MIND UK: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.V9RyJ1dlnVo
CALM: www.thecalmzone.net
SAMARITANS: www.samaritans.org
HELP GUIDE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
CHILDLINE: https://www.childline.org.uk
YOUNG MINDS: http://www.youngminds.org.uk
TIME TO CHANGE: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk
MOVEMENTS/PROGAMS:
TWLOHA: @twolha (twitter/ig/tumblr) / https://twloha.com
BUDDY PROJECT: https://twitter.com/ProjectBuddy
SANE: http://www.sane.org.uk
MGMH: http://www.globalmentalhealth.org
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