Monday, 22 August 2016
Dear The Person Struggling Right Now.
Dear The Person Reading This, The Person Struggling Right Now.
There are many things today, I wish I could say to you. And there are many things I wish I could do for you.
For one, I would take away all the pain and heartbreak you wish to rid of, to make your life an easier ride. I would take all the negative from your life and turn them into something that you can deal with, without feeling the pain you do today.
These, and many other things, however I cannot do for you.
But there are things I can do today.
I can reassure you that soon, it'll all be okay.
I can promise you that you can keep on going another minute, hour and day.
I can tell you with all my heart that I love you.
Okay, that may not be the best form of help in the world, trust me I know what you're going through right now, heck I still go through it now myself.
And because of this, I know that one thing I can't tell you is that I understand what you're going through. Because we all go through it differently, and everyone tells you that they understand you and can help you, when really you know that they don't understand the feelings of loneliness, helplessness and unhappiness you feel on a daily basis or the thoughts in your head that won't go away. Or why you struggle to sleep at night or why one name or one person breaks your heart so much that it pushes you to a point of unhappiness you can't control. I cannot understand the reason for your pain, frankly because the only person who lived the pain is you in your own way.
I can't tell you so many things, including what you will be doing tomorrow or in 3 years time. I cannot tell you that everything will be okay in a few years time or when you'll meet that one special person.
I can't tell you things you probably need to hear. I can't tell you what will happen if you decide you can't live another moment of your life, or how people around you will react.
I can however, tell you what you will miss.
You'll miss seeing the stars lighting up the night sky and the beauty of the sun as it rises and falls.
You'll miss eating your favourite meal again or drinking your favourite drink.
You'll miss learning new information that may change the way you look at the world.
You'll miss the rush you get from doing your favourite sport or activity or from watching your favourite musical act live for the first time.
You'll miss the late night talks with a friend, a parent, someone you love and the staying out until 4am laughing until you cry.
You'll miss the feeling of fresh bedsheets on your bed, or wearing a new outfit for the first time.
You'll miss opening a letter or email or text, delivering the happy news that will make your life feel better for whatever reason.
You'll miss the random acts of kindness from strangers you cross paths with.
You'll miss meeting that one person who gives you butterflies in your stomach, excitement in your heart and confusion in your brain because they give you feelings no one in the world has ever made you feel.
Right now you may be struggling. Right now, you may feel like everything just has to end and that you cannot bare life another day. And no one may have told you today, but I will right now, you can totally fucking do this, and you will totally smash every obsticle life throws at you.
And I am totally there for you cheering you on. I'm there as a person you may never meet but as a person who loves you nonetheless, and even though I have never met you and may never meet you, I promise you that you are a pretty awesome person who the world will miss entirely if you leave.
I know, right now, it all really hurts.
I know you are in a bunch of pain that you don't know how to get rid of.
I know its all too much, right now.
But thats it isn't it, all of this is just right now.
And now, it might be unbearable, but in a few hours time it might be okay. In a few days time, everything might just slot into place and you may be able to start getting better. In 2 years time, you may be a completely different, happier person.
I know, I can't tell you for definite because I don't know, but really can you afford to miss those moments?
I love you. Please stay.
From Me, The Person Who Is Struggling Too.
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
An Apology From My Mental Health
The other night when I was sat in my room, feeling emotionally overwhelmed and wondering when all this shittiness would go away, I found myself constantly apologising to my friends for no apparent reason because I had convinced myself that I was being a nuisance to my friends even though that apology was the only thing i'd sent to them that day.
It made me wonder, am I really used to being a burden to people because of my mental health that I find myself apologising before I do anything worthy of one?
yes.
The comments about mental health you see everyday make me feel sick to my stomach. You know the ones, saying that they aren't real illnesses and that its "just a bad day not a bad life." The ones where you make me feel so fucking stupid and pathetic for the fact that some days its physically too much of a task to get out of bed.
But I get how much of an inconvience these feelings are to you.
I get that my feelings aren't as important as yours, aren't as significant, aren't valid.
I'm sorry I have to cancel plans, or I have to rant at you or even talk to you and cling to you because I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry I'm "ruining your mood"'or "not trying" anymore.
I'm sorry that I have to call or text you when I'm having or about to have panic attacks or when I have to text you when I can't control the overwhelming urge to do something stupid or to even stop the thought.
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have to live everyday battling with my own mind trying to tell myself that it'll all be okay
I'm sorry that I have to constantly be overhwelmed by small little things that are so easy for you to do but feel like a mountain climb to me.
I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep or talk myself out of stupid actions until i eventually fall asleep, knowing when I wake up I have to deal with it all over again.
I'm sorry my mental illness is such a burden on you.
I get it, though. I understand that I haven't told you about my illness so you aren't aware that anythings wrong. I understand that I haven't told you that your jokes about "killing yourself because your internets gone down" make me feel so shitty about my life because I haven't told you its an issue I deal with more frequently than I admit to myself. I get that you aren't really affected by mental health on this scale so don't understand what its like.
But it doesn't make it easier for me.
It doesn't make my self inflicting thoughts easier to deal with when you complain about my sadness and emotional state annoying you. It makes it worse.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you.
I know its pretty shitty, i get it.
I know its annoying and pretty pathetic of me.
But I don't have a choice.
I can't click my finger and make my thoughts just go away, I really wish I could.
Heck, I wish I could make myself be able to combat my emotions and tell myself it will be okay.
But I can't.
I can't stop the sadness, the anxiety, the mood swings, the thoughts, the behaviour, the denial, the chaneling of my emotions, the panic attacks, the distress.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I wish i didn't have a reason to apologise, but you want and deserve one right?
It made me wonder, am I really used to being a burden to people because of my mental health that I find myself apologising before I do anything worthy of one?
yes.
The comments about mental health you see everyday make me feel sick to my stomach. You know the ones, saying that they aren't real illnesses and that its "just a bad day not a bad life." The ones where you make me feel so fucking stupid and pathetic for the fact that some days its physically too much of a task to get out of bed.
But I get how much of an inconvience these feelings are to you.
I get that my feelings aren't as important as yours, aren't as significant, aren't valid.
I'm sorry I have to cancel plans, or I have to rant at you or even talk to you and cling to you because I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry I'm "ruining your mood"'or "not trying" anymore.
I'm sorry that I have to call or text you when I'm having or about to have panic attacks or when I have to text you when I can't control the overwhelming urge to do something stupid or to even stop the thought.
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have to live everyday battling with my own mind trying to tell myself that it'll all be okay
I'm sorry that I have to constantly be overhwelmed by small little things that are so easy for you to do but feel like a mountain climb to me.
I'm sorry that I cry myself to sleep or talk myself out of stupid actions until i eventually fall asleep, knowing when I wake up I have to deal with it all over again.
I'm sorry my mental illness is such a burden on you.
I get it, though. I understand that I haven't told you about my illness so you aren't aware that anythings wrong. I understand that I haven't told you that your jokes about "killing yourself because your internets gone down" make me feel so shitty about my life because I haven't told you its an issue I deal with more frequently than I admit to myself. I get that you aren't really affected by mental health on this scale so don't understand what its like.
But it doesn't make it easier for me.
It doesn't make my self inflicting thoughts easier to deal with when you complain about my sadness and emotional state annoying you. It makes it worse.
I know there is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you.
I know its pretty shitty, i get it.
I know its annoying and pretty pathetic of me.
But I don't have a choice.
I can't click my finger and make my thoughts just go away, I really wish I could.
Heck, I wish I could make myself be able to combat my emotions and tell myself it will be okay.
But I can't.
I can't stop the sadness, the anxiety, the mood swings, the thoughts, the behaviour, the denial, the chaneling of my emotions, the panic attacks, the distress.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I wish i didn't have a reason to apologise, but you want and deserve one right?
Tuesday, 14 June 2016
"But We Will Win"
I am currently devastated.
I am currently in shock.
I am currently broken.
The discrimination faced everyday the LGBT+ community has to face disgusts me.
It's bad enough that my friend is spat at at work for being gay. It's bad enough that a trans person I've met was thrown out of his home because he was indeed transexual. It's bad enough that my friend can't hold her girlfriends hand in public because of the comments that people have made when seeing them. Heck, it's bad enough that people have cut me out of their lives because of my sexuality. It's bad enough that homosexuality is still illegal in many places of society (and gay marriage has only just been made legal in all American states.)
But the Orlando massacre was different.
I thought that society was bad enough as it was, discriminating our community for our sexualities (which as well as being bloody wonderful for us, are uncontrollable) but the murder of over 50 and the injury of many more in a Gay night club sickens me to the point where I can't physically describe the feelings because there are no words that can portray my disgust and outrage.
The fact that these beautiful, unique, happy people were taken from this world because one man decided that the person they loved/were attracted to is a valid reason for their lives to be taken away.
Why would you rather see two men holding guns than holding hands???
WHY is homosexuality such a "sin" but murder is okay?
The phobia in this world towards LGBT+ groups is so apparent, cruel and disgusting yet so many still deny its existance. They still deny the existance, when over one third of LGBT+ people have experienced bullying because of their sexuality in a school/college. When people who identify as LGBT are less likely to get a job than those of a hetrosexual identity. When LGBT people are 3 times more likely to experience depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
But why?
Why in todays society are some people so desperatly against anything but hetrosexual relationships that they go to such vile extremes?
Why are there still such pathetic discrimatory measures in everyday life, especially in regards of health care?
Why are hate crimes towards members of the LGBT community so fucking common in society?
Why does my love affect you SO much that you don't deem me worthy to live?
I just don't understand how the person I want to spent my life with affects you.
I'm not forcing you to be a part of the relationship. Me kissing a girl won't make you attracted to the same sex either. I'm just a young person in love. And love is love.
Love is love when a 17 year old is dating a 30 year old.
Love is love when a rich man is dating a poor woman.
Love is love when a white person marries a black.
So why don't you think love is love when it's a same sex couple?
But this attack wasn't one on just our community, it was an attack on us as a whole.
And anyway, your plan failed.
Because why you may have stopped us for a second. Why we may mourn now, why we may live the week in shock and why we will always remember this attack and the victims will always remain in our thoughts.
We will carry on.
We will continue to fall in love, we will continue to go to gay bars. We will continue to kiss our girlfriends or boyfriends in the streets, we will continue to marry the one we love even if you do not approve.
We are united.
Why we as a community has been brought together from your selfish thoughts and actions, you have lost everything.
And yes, we will experience this again.
I will continue to get shouted abuse at for my sexuality. My friend will still be spat at when working because of his. A young child will continue to be bullied in school for being gay and a transexual will continue to be assaulted for their identity. An asexual will continue to be called "abnormal" for their sexuality. A pansexual will still be told their sexuality simply doesn't exist and they are just seeking attention. We will continue to be attacked by those whose minds can't fathom that we live in a world where these relationships are okay.
But we will stand strong. We won't hide our identities in fear.
We will win, and you will lose.
And one day we will live in a society where "coming out" won't even exist, because there will be complete acceptance and normality of members of the LGBT+ community that it will be as common to hear as saying "oh I like football" or "I am 5"9." That day may not be today.
But we will win.
More Information:
https://lgbt.foundation
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36520620
https://internationalspectrum.umich.edu/life/definitions
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/sexual-identity/Pages/Sexual-Orientation.aspx
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/sexual-orientation-discrimination
I am currently in shock.
I am currently broken.
The discrimination faced everyday the LGBT+ community has to face disgusts me.
It's bad enough that my friend is spat at at work for being gay. It's bad enough that a trans person I've met was thrown out of his home because he was indeed transexual. It's bad enough that my friend can't hold her girlfriends hand in public because of the comments that people have made when seeing them. Heck, it's bad enough that people have cut me out of their lives because of my sexuality. It's bad enough that homosexuality is still illegal in many places of society (and gay marriage has only just been made legal in all American states.)
But the Orlando massacre was different.
I thought that society was bad enough as it was, discriminating our community for our sexualities (which as well as being bloody wonderful for us, are uncontrollable) but the murder of over 50 and the injury of many more in a Gay night club sickens me to the point where I can't physically describe the feelings because there are no words that can portray my disgust and outrage.
The fact that these beautiful, unique, happy people were taken from this world because one man decided that the person they loved/were attracted to is a valid reason for their lives to be taken away.
Why would you rather see two men holding guns than holding hands???
WHY is homosexuality such a "sin" but murder is okay?
The phobia in this world towards LGBT+ groups is so apparent, cruel and disgusting yet so many still deny its existance. They still deny the existance, when over one third of LGBT+ people have experienced bullying because of their sexuality in a school/college. When people who identify as LGBT are less likely to get a job than those of a hetrosexual identity. When LGBT people are 3 times more likely to experience depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
But why?
Why in todays society are some people so desperatly against anything but hetrosexual relationships that they go to such vile extremes?
Why are there still such pathetic discrimatory measures in everyday life, especially in regards of health care?
Why are hate crimes towards members of the LGBT community so fucking common in society?
Why does my love affect you SO much that you don't deem me worthy to live?
I just don't understand how the person I want to spent my life with affects you.
I'm not forcing you to be a part of the relationship. Me kissing a girl won't make you attracted to the same sex either. I'm just a young person in love. And love is love.
Love is love when a 17 year old is dating a 30 year old.
Love is love when a rich man is dating a poor woman.
Love is love when a white person marries a black.
So why don't you think love is love when it's a same sex couple?
But this attack wasn't one on just our community, it was an attack on us as a whole.
And anyway, your plan failed.
Because why you may have stopped us for a second. Why we may mourn now, why we may live the week in shock and why we will always remember this attack and the victims will always remain in our thoughts.
We will carry on.
We will continue to fall in love, we will continue to go to gay bars. We will continue to kiss our girlfriends or boyfriends in the streets, we will continue to marry the one we love even if you do not approve.
We are united.
Why we as a community has been brought together from your selfish thoughts and actions, you have lost everything.
And yes, we will experience this again.
I will continue to get shouted abuse at for my sexuality. My friend will still be spat at when working because of his. A young child will continue to be bullied in school for being gay and a transexual will continue to be assaulted for their identity. An asexual will continue to be called "abnormal" for their sexuality. A pansexual will still be told their sexuality simply doesn't exist and they are just seeking attention. We will continue to be attacked by those whose minds can't fathom that we live in a world where these relationships are okay.
But we will stand strong. We won't hide our identities in fear.
We will win, and you will lose.
And one day we will live in a society where "coming out" won't even exist, because there will be complete acceptance and normality of members of the LGBT+ community that it will be as common to hear as saying "oh I like football" or "I am 5"9." That day may not be today.
But we will win.
More Information:
https://lgbt.foundation
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36520620
https://internationalspectrum.umich.edu/life/definitions
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/sexual-identity/Pages/Sexual-Orientation.aspx
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/sexual-orientation-discrimination
Saturday, 4 June 2016
How "Being Myself" Turned Me Into The Person I Didn't Want To Be
One thing I've been told throughout the 18 years, 4 Months and 6 Days of my life, is no matter what happens to just be yourself and everything will work out.
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
And it's taken me 18 years, 4 months and 6 days to work out that reason I today am a former shell of myself and a person I don't want to be, is because no matter what happened I was just myself.
You're reassured that people will love you and want to be your friend becasue you are yourself, but forget to tell you that there are people in the world who will hate and hate on the person you are until you change into a person you don't recognise in the mirror anymore.
I was bullied alot at the beginning of high school because I was myself. I was bullied for being a unique, individual person with my own (maybe not shared) likes, views on things and humor by people who esentially faked their entire persona to fit in and be seen as popular. One of my best friends in the early years of my secondary education was exactly like this. When around me, she was the person I knew and became friends with, but the second she was with the 'popular' people she almost put on a mask and changed everything about herself so she would be liked.
It was something I never understood, until I changed to.
I changed however for a different reason.
My personality changed because my mental health changed.
Suddenly, the 11 year old me with a bad bad bob haircut that (i adored btw), who loved HSM, boybands and singing and didn't care one bit about what she looked like became an 18 year old with long dyed hair, a love of bands, sports and so self concious about even breathing that it actually quite scares me.
The carefree 11 year old was suddenly feeling like ending her life and consequently stopped doing everything she loved because being herself was too painful to cope with.
It's not even the bullying that changed me, it was the side effects of it all.
It was the endless nights sat crying, the constant worry and anxiety about leaving the house everyday or answering a question in lessons, the constant sadness that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change my personality into one that would make me and everyone else happy.
But thats the problem isn't it?
You can never please everyone. You can never please everyone and youself.
At one point in recent years, I thought to myself okay I now am a person I really hate, so if I just ace my exams then people will think highly of me right?
Wrong.
Even though I got the best grades I physically could, I still recieved the comments about me being "too smart" and "faking everything." So I stopped listening in some lessons and started to fail some tests, but once again the comments about me "pretending to be (now) dumb" just poured into my ear, as well as my own personal guilt and anxiety about this kinda thing eating me from inside out.
That's when it all got too much.
It was when I was now a person I actually refused to look at in the mirror but the person I was still wasn't good enough.
It was when I threw away everything I loved, everything I was good at and then couldn't walk into school without being laughed at or bullied that my mental health then permanently changed me as a person.
I stopped trusting people, I could barely speak in public where I used to excel at that, I started to bite my nails, I hated being alone, I had mood swings that I couldn't control, I stopped socializing, I stopped wearing the clothes I loves, I stopped using social media, I stopped having a carefree attitude, I stopped smiling.
I started bunking school, I started hating myself, I started covering up, I started covering myself in make up, I started blocking out everyone in my life, I started binge eating, I started staying in my room unless I was at school or having dinner, I started a life of despression and anxiety that would impact the way I was as a person until the very moments I write these words.
I stopped being myself and started being the person I hated.
For so long, I had the firm mind set that nothing could go wrong if I was myself.
I was so wrong.
I was so focused on being me and not letting others influence me even slightly, I formed into a person I now hate the look of when I look into a mirror.
I acted as myself, and now I'm in a what feels like never ending cycle of unhappiness.
It feels like a choice, you either be youself, get hurt and change as a result, or you change straight away and almost lose your identity to fit in.
Isn't this a problem?
Being the person you are is something that should be encouraged!! You shouldn't feel bad or get treated differently because of being your own person.
Why aren't we encouraging individualism and reassuring people that being you is amazing, wonderful and the best thing you can be and that people shouldn't be singled out because they aren't exactly like you?
Because by ignoring this, people everyday are changing their ideals, personality, views on the world just to fit in so they aren't singled out by groups or people.
You don't need to be accepted by others, you don't need to change for anyone. If someone wants you to change for them then they aren't worth it.
As an 11 year old, I made some stupid decisions I regret. I wanted everyone to like me because I was pretty used to being liked by people. I let people I barely knew control my life, drain away any happiness and change me as a person just because they told me it was wrong to be me.
And now, I am a person I don't want to be, because I was myself.
I'm now a transformed person of myself, completely different to how I imagined my life being at this age. I now suffer with insomnia, get really anxious really quickly, I'm really clingy and I hate myself so much that I have days where I wish I wasn't breathing.
So don't make the same mistakes as I did.
Be the person you want to be and ignore what anyone thinks, its just not worth it.
More Information:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-yourself-instead-of-people-pleasing/
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/dare-to-be-your-own-perso_b_5643058.html
http://www.mind.org.uk
Friday, 20 May 2016
A Lifelong Battle Between Weight and Confidence
We live in a society that argues that a persons weight doesn't matter at the same time where anyone who is every size under the sun gets mocked for either being too fat, too skinny or not being "perfect."
It's sad really.
It's sad how one minute you see photos and tweets about how every size is perfect then the next minute the person who commented about the fact that "weight doesn't matter" is now mocking you because you're a size 16 and proud of your body.
Society says to be proud of yourself but then mocks you for your so called imperfections.
The funny thing is society's construction of "perfection" quite literally doesn't exist, because you could be everything that people regard to be "perfect" but someone would still mock you because their standards seem to grow with every perfection you seem to have.
For me personally, I've always had an issue with my size.
My slow metabolism and love of food has meant that I'm a solid size 16 and am highly struggling now as an 18 year old to lose a few dress sizes. But even as a kid, I had the wonderful experiences of bullying because my stomach wasn't flat.
At 10 and 11 I was picked on at school because I wasn't thin.
Aged 10.
Any alarm bells ringing here?
You get laughed at and ridiculed for being a few sizes bigger than average but you get eyes rolled at and days of non top comments stating you for being a few sizes smaller than the average.
It's not even an issue you can avoid.
I login to twitter and see tweets like "If you're over 200lbs you shouldn't wear shorts or leggings" and "Size 8 is too skinny why don't you eat more?"
I walk into lessons where people talk about the person someone hates because they are "really skinny and just need to eat a pizza for a change."
I play sports and have to hear the endless comments about "fat people shouldn't play sport they're too unfit for that."
But people don't consider for one second the lasting impact these comments have on people.
They don't consider their comments about someone being "too fat" can lead to people stop eating all together to try and become "perfect."
They don't consider the harm that comments directed towards a person suffering with eating disorders can bring up in people who are battling with their minds and the food they put in their mouth.
The Costs of Eating Disorders - Social, Health and Economic Impacts report publisized that in the UK alone, 725,000 people suffer with eating disorders (most common in young women.) Eating disorders have the highest rates of death than any other mental illness, with 1 in 5 losing their lives due to the illness itself or the psychological impact (eventually leading to suicide).
And the comments about weight that society throws on people are a very real and very common trigger to not eating or purging everything you eat.
On the other side of the coin, 85% of people who suffer with Emotional Overeating said that they have a negative body image, with 79% of these saying it is also the impact of society's pressure to lose weight that led to their eating disorder.
One comment can have a long lasting impact on someones confidence and life..
Weight for many people, including myself, is a main factor in low levels of confidence. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see because your mind tells you that you're too fat or you aren't fat enough.
You see it all the time. Constantly reassuring your friends that they aren't fat and that they don't need to stop eating all together to lose weight. But they don't listen to you just as you don't listen to yourself as you try and stop the voice in your head from persuading you that you are everything you don't want to be.
It's funny how we use fat as an insult now though. Fat it just an adjective, a descriptive word but now society has twisted its meaning so much that being fat is instantly a bad thing and something that you don't want to be, instead of the simple descriptive word that the creators of the english language intended it to be.
So yeah, Hi, I'm fat.
And I find that it's so much easier to have confidence in the way you look when you take away all the negativity attatched to the simple fucking adjectives that people use to try and insult you when really they're just the same as saying that you have brown hair or you're tall or short.
And people in this world like Nicole fucking Arbour who thinks its bloody fantastic to make videos insulting people over their weight saying ridiculous things about the fact that all overweight people are just lazy (i'm 99% sure I do more exercise than her btw and I'm probably twice her size) oh and just denying fat shaming is even a thing (which is all she does in the insulting, crude and disgusting video btw.) Not fogetting my personal favourite comment that people that are obese deserve to be shamed until they stop 'bad habits.'
People like her need to stop being complete and utter twats who don't understand anything about a persons struggles with their weight and their ability to lose it (if they even want to.)
People make insulting comments without a second thought about the fact that people in this world wake up every day hating the way they look, shaming themselves for not having a flat stomach, refuse to eat in public because they believe that people judge them for eating. They don't have a second thought for the people who starve themselves to feel perfect, for the people who can't go a day without someone telling them to 'not eat that piece of cake you need to eat healthy to lose weight.' For the people who eat so much but can't put on any weight no matter how hard they try and all they hear is stick from their family and friends for being 'too thin.'
And when it comes to my weight it feels like a constant battle between society, what I see in the mirror and what my mind says to me.
I look at myself in an outfit and will change at least 10 times because I feel too fat in something and I get myself so worked up that people will laugh at me because of the way I look in a dress or in a top that isn't loose and long. I used to put on my football kit and then have to pick up the courage to actually put on my shorts and go out with my legs showing because I hate my thighs that much that it took me ages to put on a pair of shorts that I wore the week before.
That's not the way it should be, no one should have peoples words etched into their mind about how they "aren't skinny enough yet" because society tells us we can't be perfect until we have a "perfect" body.
But that's just it isn't it.
You don't need a "perfect" body to be "perfect"
You don't need a "perfect" flat stomach and thigh gap to be "perfect"
You don't need any specific thing to be "perfect" because there is no such thing as the "perfect" figure, the "perfect" size, the "perfect" weight.
You are perfect whether you're a size 2 or a size 22.
You are perfect whether you love your body or hate your body.
You are perfect whether you have a thigh gap or not.
And one day you're going to meet someone who will make you feel so beautiful no matter how much you weigh and a person who won't care that you have a little stomach and a person who won't care if you can eat 3 whole large pizzas and end up losing 4lbs.
You are perfect no matter your body shape.
Society doesn't emphasise it enough.
And it's so easy to forget that.
More Informtion and Support:
http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/size1.htm
https://www.b-eat.co.uk
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/eating-disorders/pages/introduction.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/#.Vz9eljZlnVo
http://eating-disorders.org.uk
It's sad really.
It's sad how one minute you see photos and tweets about how every size is perfect then the next minute the person who commented about the fact that "weight doesn't matter" is now mocking you because you're a size 16 and proud of your body.
Society says to be proud of yourself but then mocks you for your so called imperfections.
The funny thing is society's construction of "perfection" quite literally doesn't exist, because you could be everything that people regard to be "perfect" but someone would still mock you because their standards seem to grow with every perfection you seem to have.
For me personally, I've always had an issue with my size.
My slow metabolism and love of food has meant that I'm a solid size 16 and am highly struggling now as an 18 year old to lose a few dress sizes. But even as a kid, I had the wonderful experiences of bullying because my stomach wasn't flat.
At 10 and 11 I was picked on at school because I wasn't thin.
Aged 10.
Any alarm bells ringing here?
You get laughed at and ridiculed for being a few sizes bigger than average but you get eyes rolled at and days of non top comments stating you for being a few sizes smaller than the average.
It's not even an issue you can avoid.
I login to twitter and see tweets like "If you're over 200lbs you shouldn't wear shorts or leggings" and "Size 8 is too skinny why don't you eat more?"
I walk into lessons where people talk about the person someone hates because they are "really skinny and just need to eat a pizza for a change."
I play sports and have to hear the endless comments about "fat people shouldn't play sport they're too unfit for that."
But people don't consider for one second the lasting impact these comments have on people.
They don't consider their comments about someone being "too fat" can lead to people stop eating all together to try and become "perfect."
They don't consider the harm that comments directed towards a person suffering with eating disorders can bring up in people who are battling with their minds and the food they put in their mouth.
The Costs of Eating Disorders - Social, Health and Economic Impacts report publisized that in the UK alone, 725,000 people suffer with eating disorders (most common in young women.) Eating disorders have the highest rates of death than any other mental illness, with 1 in 5 losing their lives due to the illness itself or the psychological impact (eventually leading to suicide).
And the comments about weight that society throws on people are a very real and very common trigger to not eating or purging everything you eat.
On the other side of the coin, 85% of people who suffer with Emotional Overeating said that they have a negative body image, with 79% of these saying it is also the impact of society's pressure to lose weight that led to their eating disorder.
One comment can have a long lasting impact on someones confidence and life..
Weight for many people, including myself, is a main factor in low levels of confidence. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see because your mind tells you that you're too fat or you aren't fat enough.
You see it all the time. Constantly reassuring your friends that they aren't fat and that they don't need to stop eating all together to lose weight. But they don't listen to you just as you don't listen to yourself as you try and stop the voice in your head from persuading you that you are everything you don't want to be.
It's funny how we use fat as an insult now though. Fat it just an adjective, a descriptive word but now society has twisted its meaning so much that being fat is instantly a bad thing and something that you don't want to be, instead of the simple descriptive word that the creators of the english language intended it to be.
So yeah, Hi, I'm fat.
And I find that it's so much easier to have confidence in the way you look when you take away all the negativity attatched to the simple fucking adjectives that people use to try and insult you when really they're just the same as saying that you have brown hair or you're tall or short.
And people in this world like Nicole fucking Arbour who thinks its bloody fantastic to make videos insulting people over their weight saying ridiculous things about the fact that all overweight people are just lazy (i'm 99% sure I do more exercise than her btw and I'm probably twice her size) oh and just denying fat shaming is even a thing (which is all she does in the insulting, crude and disgusting video btw.) Not fogetting my personal favourite comment that people that are obese deserve to be shamed until they stop 'bad habits.'
People like her need to stop being complete and utter twats who don't understand anything about a persons struggles with their weight and their ability to lose it (if they even want to.)
People make insulting comments without a second thought about the fact that people in this world wake up every day hating the way they look, shaming themselves for not having a flat stomach, refuse to eat in public because they believe that people judge them for eating. They don't have a second thought for the people who starve themselves to feel perfect, for the people who can't go a day without someone telling them to 'not eat that piece of cake you need to eat healthy to lose weight.' For the people who eat so much but can't put on any weight no matter how hard they try and all they hear is stick from their family and friends for being 'too thin.'
And when it comes to my weight it feels like a constant battle between society, what I see in the mirror and what my mind says to me.
I look at myself in an outfit and will change at least 10 times because I feel too fat in something and I get myself so worked up that people will laugh at me because of the way I look in a dress or in a top that isn't loose and long. I used to put on my football kit and then have to pick up the courage to actually put on my shorts and go out with my legs showing because I hate my thighs that much that it took me ages to put on a pair of shorts that I wore the week before.
That's not the way it should be, no one should have peoples words etched into their mind about how they "aren't skinny enough yet" because society tells us we can't be perfect until we have a "perfect" body.
But that's just it isn't it.
You don't need a "perfect" body to be "perfect"
You don't need a "perfect" flat stomach and thigh gap to be "perfect"
You don't need any specific thing to be "perfect" because there is no such thing as the "perfect" figure, the "perfect" size, the "perfect" weight.
You are perfect whether you're a size 2 or a size 22.
You are perfect whether you love your body or hate your body.
You are perfect whether you have a thigh gap or not.
And one day you're going to meet someone who will make you feel so beautiful no matter how much you weigh and a person who won't care that you have a little stomach and a person who won't care if you can eat 3 whole large pizzas and end up losing 4lbs.
You are perfect no matter your body shape.
Society doesn't emphasise it enough.
And it's so easy to forget that.
More Informtion and Support:
http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/size1.htm
https://www.b-eat.co.uk
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/eating-disorders/pages/introduction.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/#.Vz9eljZlnVo
http://eating-disorders.org.uk
Thursday, 12 May 2016
Life's Little Ways to Cope
Hello!!
Today I would like to talk about a broader part of mental health, that slightly follows from my post about depression.
With all mental health and any battle life throws at you, everyone will have a way of dealing with the emotions that are thrown on them.
Coping Mechanisms are defined as ways to deal with stress either internally or externally which can be done consciously or unconsciously. There are so many different ways people use to cope with unwanted feelings, ranging from listening to music, playing sports, screaming the house down. You name it and someone probably uses it.
The work of the psychologist Freud in the late 1800's partly looked at the use of a variety of defense mechanisms to protect our ego (our reality principle in making choices) from harm. Yeah okay, Freud was on drugs when he was doing his work, and there is sooo much wrong with him and his theory into behaviour, but so many people look straight over the many aspects of his work that you actually see in real life. Defense Mechanisms are one of them.
When you feel stressed do you do some exercise? Play your favourite video game?
When you go through something traumatise it, do you try pretend it never happened?
When you do something stupid, do you try to pretend it never happened?
All of these are forms of defense mechanism we use to try keep us from harm. We as humans try to make us feel better by letting out our anger, our stress, our frustration and our sadness onto something else or by trying to pretend that whatever event that triggered these feelings never happened. But as well as this, coping mechanisms can link to the fact that these feelings for a prolonged amount of time aren't normal. For example, stress is a feeling that if there to create the flight/fight response in our body to prepare us for action, so our body physically has to rid these symptoms after a certain amount of time for it to function. Once again, a coping mechanism is often used to reduce this.
But away from the psychology aspect, coping mechanisms in my opinion need to be made more known.
Because if we can understand why a person uses a coping mechanism, it'll be so much easier for people to talk about ways of dealing with problems that could be harmful to themselves or others.
There are many safe ways to deal with overwhelming emotions. As I stated earlier, many people sublimate their feelings through sports, drawing, painting, dancing, writing etc. Many people act like an event never even happened.
But there are so many dangerous and potentially lethal coping mechanisms that no one will ever want to talk about because they find it embarrassing.
For example, someone with depression may use drugs to relieve any ill feelings and make them feel happy through a high or drunked state. A person with depression or anxiety may smoke cigerettes due to the calming and relieving feeling you get from the cigerette. A person with any mental illness may abuse any substance to try and feel normal, relieved or be able to cope with their symptoms.
Did you know that 50% of people diagnosed with mental health disorders are affected by some form of substance abuse?
Did you know that 37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users have at least one mental health illness?
Did you know that people with severe mental illnesses are 4.6 times more likely to abuse drugs at least 10 times in their lives?
Doesn't that scare you?
Doesn't it scare you how closely mental health and substance abuse are linked? You often hear people say that they need a drink to forget everything, especially in a hard or stressful point at their life.
But isn't that it? Don't we all at points just need something to relieve the pain?
The concept of the use of drugs as a coping mechanisms is the exact same principle of self harm to cope.
Because it doesn't matter what we do to cope, as long as we are getting some relief. The relief acts as a positive reinforcer, which then strengthens this behaviour and makes us more likely to carry out the action again. Whether that be drinking until we can't remember the night, hurting yourself intentionally or simply playing a video game involving violence. Does it not give the same effect?
It gives the same effect, but it doesn't make it okay.
Because alcohol abuse can lead to bigger consequences than simply kicking a football around.
Self harm can lead to more lethal consequences than simply drawing some pictures.
If the statistics related to substance abuse weren't scary enough, you are 20 times more likely to revert to any form of self harm if you have a mental illness. In recent years there has been a 70% increase in A&E visits in self harm related issues (and this is just in young people.) Every 1/12 children have deliberatly self harmed in their lifetime.
Doesn't it scare you?
We revert to extremes to cope with life but we are so afraid to talk about it because of the stigma related to mental health and the ways of coping with tough situations.
How do you admit to yourself that you have a problem, let alone to someone else?
And you wonder why people get pissed off at your ""jokes"" about these kinda things. How issues that are effecting their everyday lives and cannot tell anyone about in fear they'll be ridiculed and judged or treated differently by everyone they love, you make fun of like its nothing.
People just have different ways to cope thats all.
It's not a laughing matter.
But it doesn't matter how you cope, as long as you try and refrain from resorting to things that can end up really hurting you.
Because once you start something you can't stop.
Trust me.
Even so, it will get better.
Soon you'll get to a point where you don't need to use anything but deep breathing to be able to cope with problems in life.
You can do it.
It'll all be okay.
More Information // Support:
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Self-harm/Pages/Self-harm.aspx
http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/coping.htm
https://explorable.com/stress-and-coping-mechanisms
https://www.promises.com/articles/addiction-recovery/coping-mechanisms-to-aid-your-recovery/
Today I would like to talk about a broader part of mental health, that slightly follows from my post about depression.
With all mental health and any battle life throws at you, everyone will have a way of dealing with the emotions that are thrown on them.
Coping Mechanisms are defined as ways to deal with stress either internally or externally which can be done consciously or unconsciously. There are so many different ways people use to cope with unwanted feelings, ranging from listening to music, playing sports, screaming the house down. You name it and someone probably uses it.
The work of the psychologist Freud in the late 1800's partly looked at the use of a variety of defense mechanisms to protect our ego (our reality principle in making choices) from harm. Yeah okay, Freud was on drugs when he was doing his work, and there is sooo much wrong with him and his theory into behaviour, but so many people look straight over the many aspects of his work that you actually see in real life. Defense Mechanisms are one of them.
When you feel stressed do you do some exercise? Play your favourite video game?
When you go through something traumatise it, do you try pretend it never happened?
When you do something stupid, do you try to pretend it never happened?
All of these are forms of defense mechanism we use to try keep us from harm. We as humans try to make us feel better by letting out our anger, our stress, our frustration and our sadness onto something else or by trying to pretend that whatever event that triggered these feelings never happened. But as well as this, coping mechanisms can link to the fact that these feelings for a prolonged amount of time aren't normal. For example, stress is a feeling that if there to create the flight/fight response in our body to prepare us for action, so our body physically has to rid these symptoms after a certain amount of time for it to function. Once again, a coping mechanism is often used to reduce this.
But away from the psychology aspect, coping mechanisms in my opinion need to be made more known.
Because if we can understand why a person uses a coping mechanism, it'll be so much easier for people to talk about ways of dealing with problems that could be harmful to themselves or others.
There are many safe ways to deal with overwhelming emotions. As I stated earlier, many people sublimate their feelings through sports, drawing, painting, dancing, writing etc. Many people act like an event never even happened.
But there are so many dangerous and potentially lethal coping mechanisms that no one will ever want to talk about because they find it embarrassing.
For example, someone with depression may use drugs to relieve any ill feelings and make them feel happy through a high or drunked state. A person with depression or anxiety may smoke cigerettes due to the calming and relieving feeling you get from the cigerette. A person with any mental illness may abuse any substance to try and feel normal, relieved or be able to cope with their symptoms.
Did you know that 50% of people diagnosed with mental health disorders are affected by some form of substance abuse?
Did you know that 37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users have at least one mental health illness?
Did you know that people with severe mental illnesses are 4.6 times more likely to abuse drugs at least 10 times in their lives?
Doesn't that scare you?
Doesn't it scare you how closely mental health and substance abuse are linked? You often hear people say that they need a drink to forget everything, especially in a hard or stressful point at their life.
But isn't that it? Don't we all at points just need something to relieve the pain?
The concept of the use of drugs as a coping mechanisms is the exact same principle of self harm to cope.
Because it doesn't matter what we do to cope, as long as we are getting some relief. The relief acts as a positive reinforcer, which then strengthens this behaviour and makes us more likely to carry out the action again. Whether that be drinking until we can't remember the night, hurting yourself intentionally or simply playing a video game involving violence. Does it not give the same effect?
It gives the same effect, but it doesn't make it okay.
Because alcohol abuse can lead to bigger consequences than simply kicking a football around.
Self harm can lead to more lethal consequences than simply drawing some pictures.
If the statistics related to substance abuse weren't scary enough, you are 20 times more likely to revert to any form of self harm if you have a mental illness. In recent years there has been a 70% increase in A&E visits in self harm related issues (and this is just in young people.) Every 1/12 children have deliberatly self harmed in their lifetime.
Doesn't it scare you?
We revert to extremes to cope with life but we are so afraid to talk about it because of the stigma related to mental health and the ways of coping with tough situations.
How do you admit to yourself that you have a problem, let alone to someone else?
And you wonder why people get pissed off at your ""jokes"" about these kinda things. How issues that are effecting their everyday lives and cannot tell anyone about in fear they'll be ridiculed and judged or treated differently by everyone they love, you make fun of like its nothing.
People just have different ways to cope thats all.
It's not a laughing matter.
But it doesn't matter how you cope, as long as you try and refrain from resorting to things that can end up really hurting you.
Because once you start something you can't stop.
Trust me.
Even so, it will get better.
Soon you'll get to a point where you don't need to use anything but deep breathing to be able to cope with problems in life.
You can do it.
It'll all be okay.
More Information // Support:
https://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/Self-harm/Pages/Self-harm.aspx
http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/coping.htm
https://explorable.com/stress-and-coping-mechanisms
https://www.promises.com/articles/addiction-recovery/coping-mechanisms-to-aid-your-recovery/
Monday, 2 May 2016
Realities of Living With Mental Health
Hello!!
Today I'm going to do a more generic post, maybe something a little bit different from my published posts and the many many drafts sat waiting for completion.
But, this is something that I strongly feel and want to say more than anything I will write, because its one thing understanding all about these parts of life, but its a different thing understanding the impact on what you say and what its like to live with it.
I get it, occasionally a "hilarious" comment just happens to 'slip out' about issues that people face everyday.
Like when I hear family say things like "Thats such a gay thing to do why would you want to do that"
Or my personal favourite, hearing the classic "oh i should just go kill myself" from friends in a jokey and apparently harmless way.
But you dont get it do you??
Because people, including myself, have to live with homophobia, suicidal thoughts etc every day of our lives and you think its oKAY to make jokes??
News flash, it wasn't okay the first time, it wasn't okay the 30th time and it won't be okay on the 100th time.
But you got a few laughs out of it, so its alright isn't it? You got some laughs from more inconsiderate air heads that don't seem to realise that the things you're crapping out of your mouth may actually feel like stabs in the heart to a few people you're sat with.
The stabs in the heart that continue to bleed and bleed and make you feel like your lungs want to collapse and when you sit in bed overthinking and persuading yourself to stay strong and stay clean whilst battling in your mind between them not meaning a word of what they said and them wanting you to do something stupid. Whilst they still think it's alright.
But isn't that what mental health is about? Battling between yourself and your demons?
The battle that becoming a war you possibly cannot win with all the jokes and the comments making you think that happiness and recovery and normality it something that you don't deserve and will never have.
I wish people understood it more, what it's like.
What it's like to have to have mulitple days off college or work because you're so sad or anxious or drained at the moment that you physically can't move and you've made yourself so ill stressing about everything.
What it's like to be constantly battling in your mind that the people you don't know on a table near you aren't laughing at you (just to conclude that they are even though theres no chance in hell they are)
What it's like to have to talk yourself out of doing stupid things and hoping you collapse from tiredness any minute because you know you don't have the will to stop yourself.
What it's like to hear your closest friends and family members joke about mental health like its nothing.
But you don't really understand these kinda things unless you've gone through it.
My issue is that it's more than just jokes like these in conversation. It's peoples moaning at you directly or indirectly to be happier, to be more optimistic about life, to stop being so negative.
Don't you see?
I can't.
I can't be happier, I can't be more positive and optimistic. I try. Trust me theres nothing i want more in my life to be happy!! But my brain is sick, I've almost been socialised or conditioned into being sad no matter the happiness that life throws at me. I find the sadness in all happiness, the bad in all the good. I moan alot and rant alot because I'm so unhappy and think that everythings shitty in this godforsaken world. I don't try to make you sad by telling you sad things but I have no one else to turn to to try and help me feel better about myself. I want to be happy.
I can't.
I'm sorry if the mental illness i've had to live with for 8 years is making you upset, it's not like I mean to cause any problems. But I'll try and tell my brain to stop being sad to make you happy, is that what you want?
I can't.
Living with mental health problems is something awful. It's something that completely changes you and ruins the person you've always wanted to be and turns you into a shell of yourself who you absolutely dispise every living day.
And you're jokes and comments just make everything feel just that bit more painful. That bit harder to cope with.
Are they still funny now?
Today I'm going to do a more generic post, maybe something a little bit different from my published posts and the many many drafts sat waiting for completion.
But, this is something that I strongly feel and want to say more than anything I will write, because its one thing understanding all about these parts of life, but its a different thing understanding the impact on what you say and what its like to live with it.
I get it, occasionally a "hilarious" comment just happens to 'slip out' about issues that people face everyday.
Like when I hear family say things like "Thats such a gay thing to do why would you want to do that"
Or my personal favourite, hearing the classic "oh i should just go kill myself" from friends in a jokey and apparently harmless way.
But you dont get it do you??
Because people, including myself, have to live with homophobia, suicidal thoughts etc every day of our lives and you think its oKAY to make jokes??
News flash, it wasn't okay the first time, it wasn't okay the 30th time and it won't be okay on the 100th time.
But you got a few laughs out of it, so its alright isn't it? You got some laughs from more inconsiderate air heads that don't seem to realise that the things you're crapping out of your mouth may actually feel like stabs in the heart to a few people you're sat with.
The stabs in the heart that continue to bleed and bleed and make you feel like your lungs want to collapse and when you sit in bed overthinking and persuading yourself to stay strong and stay clean whilst battling in your mind between them not meaning a word of what they said and them wanting you to do something stupid. Whilst they still think it's alright.
But isn't that what mental health is about? Battling between yourself and your demons?
The battle that becoming a war you possibly cannot win with all the jokes and the comments making you think that happiness and recovery and normality it something that you don't deserve and will never have.
I wish people understood it more, what it's like.
What it's like to have to have mulitple days off college or work because you're so sad or anxious or drained at the moment that you physically can't move and you've made yourself so ill stressing about everything.
What it's like to be constantly battling in your mind that the people you don't know on a table near you aren't laughing at you (just to conclude that they are even though theres no chance in hell they are)
What it's like to have to talk yourself out of doing stupid things and hoping you collapse from tiredness any minute because you know you don't have the will to stop yourself.
What it's like to hear your closest friends and family members joke about mental health like its nothing.
But you don't really understand these kinda things unless you've gone through it.
My issue is that it's more than just jokes like these in conversation. It's peoples moaning at you directly or indirectly to be happier, to be more optimistic about life, to stop being so negative.
Don't you see?
I can't.
I can't be happier, I can't be more positive and optimistic. I try. Trust me theres nothing i want more in my life to be happy!! But my brain is sick, I've almost been socialised or conditioned into being sad no matter the happiness that life throws at me. I find the sadness in all happiness, the bad in all the good. I moan alot and rant alot because I'm so unhappy and think that everythings shitty in this godforsaken world. I don't try to make you sad by telling you sad things but I have no one else to turn to to try and help me feel better about myself. I want to be happy.
I can't.
I'm sorry if the mental illness i've had to live with for 8 years is making you upset, it's not like I mean to cause any problems. But I'll try and tell my brain to stop being sad to make you happy, is that what you want?
I can't.
Living with mental health problems is something awful. It's something that completely changes you and ruins the person you've always wanted to be and turns you into a shell of yourself who you absolutely dispise every living day.
And you're jokes and comments just make everything feel just that bit more painful. That bit harder to cope with.
Are they still funny now?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)