Okay / Not Okay

I thought I was doing okay, but really I'm far from it.

This last week has just been a blur. I don't feel like I lived it, I feel like I fell asleep last Friday and still haven't woken up. 

My anxiety has been so fucking uncontrollable the last week, that on Monday I had a panic attack leaving my bedroom to brush my teeth. Tuesday I couldn't stop sad eating and I cried trying to eat breakfast and lunch on Wednesday. On Thursday I didn't want anything but to relapse and on Friday I had to come home because I couldn't bare anything to do with uni. 

I have no idea why everything is so hard this week. Why everything this entire year has felt like I've had to do it with the weight of the world on my back. I've had panic attacks every night for the last 2 weeks, some worse than others, because laying down in bed gives me anxiety and I have no idea why. I have no idea about anything and it actually terrifies me.

I've been clean again 41 days. I haven't had major issues with eating in months. My sleeping pattern is getting on track. 

On the most part, I've been okay. But the more okay I get, the worse my anxiety gets. It's almost like now I'm doing better with everything else, the worse I'm actually getting. It's like everything else was a coping mechanism for how fucking anxious I am, and now I've rid myself of that I have nothing to hide it.

I'm writing all of this right now whilst holding back tears. I know I'll publish this, shut off my laptop and go to sleep. I'll publish this, think thats a weight off my shoulder and hope that tomorrow things are better. But I'm not convinced it will. I don't see myself getting better. I don't see me being able to live a life where I don't have to repress every anxious and intrusive thought in my mind. 

I'm trying to be better, I just don't know if I can.

Grief, pt 4.

The more I write about grief, the more I start to understand it. Not that I will every really understand it, but it helps me realise the way I deal with it.

The day marking a year after my uncle died, I was a complete mess. As you'd expect, it was a really upsetting day that made me face the fact that I'd have to deal with many more years of the same upset on this one day.

Today, on the one year anniversary of my nan's passing, everything felt weirdly normal. I didn't feel overly upset, I didn't feel really anything out of my everyday feelings. It was a normal day relatively. I was at home, went shopping, chilled with my parents, ate dinner and then hung out with some friends. The only abnormal part about my day was going to the crematorium for a bit, to the spot where her ashes were scattered.

I wasn't upset at all today, and I am upset at myself because of that.

I've had such a horrible year dealing with my nan's death, but on the one day of the year, the day she was born and the day that she also died, I felt nothing. The one day I'm almost allowed to be upset, and everything was absolutely normal. Normal. Why am I allowed to feel fine today? Why does grief decide it doesn't want to play a part in my life today?

The more I think I understand about grief, the less I actually do.

Trying

I'm trying.

I'm trying so damn hard.

Sometimes trying isn't enough.

I'm trying to get through this.

I'm trying.