I have been feeling better.
I had been feeling better for a while and regardless of any little bumps down the road, I can gradually see myself improving.
I tend to think I say that I'm feeling better alot. Usually, when I say I'm doing better, I truly believe I am but I then look back on it and realise the only part of me feeling better was the part of me that was completely okay with existing. That isn't to say that I used to be lying, because me 9 months ago didn't think it was possible to get through the days often, so to then be able to function was a fantastic achievement and progression.
But I now look back on the last few months and think about how I've genuinely been feeling. I've genuinely been the happiest I can remember being in recent times. It almost feels like the weight I felt I was carrying around my life has vanished, and everything feels alot easier again. Even the simple things, like the willpower to cook dinner, having the energy to do things I loved doing, and simply socialising felt possible again, to the point I was and still currently actively seek out chances to do the things that my mental health barred me from doing for so long.
The best way I've found to describe how I feel at the moment is like when you clear any mist away from your car windscreen. You go from everything being blurry, to everything gradually becoming more visible and therefore easier to carry on going with. And whilst your screen may continue to fog up again, it is still so much clearer than it used to be, and you know how to deal with it.
Following my general ability to go through life improving, I decided to start making some physical changes to help me continue this positive change I was going through. I gave myself a new haircut (new hair, new me?), I started eating alot healthier which has now progressed to meat free weekdays and a tonne more vegetables/homemade food, I joined the gym and I make sure I drink enough water each day. The few little changes have made my thoughts almost clearer, and have really helped contribute to my mental health being alot less of an enemy, but more of an annoying neighbour that I know how to deal with if they become too much.
It is easier to deal with your mental health when you start to make your physical health your priority too. Not only by making sure you are eating well, exercising and keeping your hygiene up, but by giving your body the care it needs. I used to force myself to do things I didn't want to because I was worried about what others thought, but now I make sure I rest when I need to, I don't push myself too much because it is easy for everything for go abit downhill when I am physically and mentally exhausted. I used to convince myself that people would judge me for not going out when I physically couldn't, but I now see that people probably appreciate it more if you're honest and put your health at the forefront.
And I'm doing okay. Wholehearted, genuinely okay. I would be lying to myself if I ignored the fact I'm still trying to overcome alot of anxiety about many things, but I am gradually pushing myself to do things that I wouldn't even think about a year ago. And I am happy to do this as well, I am happy to try and test and conquer my limits, because right now I am absolutely okay with getting better.
I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to want to stay in the same mindset that I had been used to for a good part of my life. I hate change, I always have and I always will. I used to think that feeling better was an impossible future that I didn't want to experience, because I was so used to the 8 years of hurting myself in whatever way, the 9 years of terrible mental health, to the 10 years of not wanting to exist. I could never imagine a life without these feelings, these habits, these thoughts. I used to think I wasn't worth it, and even if I was, why bother to try and change any of the negativity in my life.
I used to want to stay sad forever. I used to think that this was all I knew and ever was going to know.
But now everything is okay. And I'm overwhelmingly happy to keep looking forward to a happy future, instead of living in a bleak present.
